I apologize.
If you are reading this.. I'm probably working.. I've been working late.. weekends.. so far this year, I have had over $15,000 in overtime alone.. and have racked up a few weeks in comp time. My job has given me 2 performance bonuses on top of that... they think I'm that dedicated... the truth is.. I just need my mind occupied..
I sometimes rattle on about things... but that is what this blog is for.. it's a release for me to share my feelings.. at first it was only given to a few of my friends.. 4 or 5... but since then, the word has evidently spread.. because this blog isn't available for viewing by search... or by the general public... you have to have the URL. ...so all the visitors have been people who have been given a door into my life. There's nothing here that I regret saying... because it is all what I was feeling at the time.. and most of it I will continue to feel... It's a part of who I am.. I can't erase my thoughts.. all I can do is try to remain true to them... I don't wish to hide anything.. that's why I'm so candid with my writings. I don't put anything here for the sake of hurting her.. or anyone else. If you are offended by the things I said... then don't read it. Could I be inaccurate in some of my observations? ...of course.. but as I said.. this is one of my few avenues to release my thoughts.. to actually feel like I have a voice.
I sometimes think about sex.. and even feel overwhelmed at times... I have found the easiest way to put away this feeling is to think about how I won't allow myself to love anyone else... after a few minutes of that... my mind no longer is interested in sex. I need an emotional commitment to have sex... to feel that I can commit a part of myself. It is sometimes a struggle in my mind.. and the ideas that wander in stray me into trying to make a compromise... but I have to hold true to my ideas and principles.. I don't want to lose myself... even if I care for someone.. I can't ..and won't commit to a lasting intimate relationship.. and hence will not lead her on. I won't "use" anyone. ..or at least I hope that's not what she thinks... I sometimes lean on my friends to get me through the lowest times... and those that are true friends have stuck with me.. even when I am thoughtless.. and blunt.. But.. I'll try to remain honest. I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone... my friends.. and especially the one I still hold in my heart. I don't mean any of my words to be callous.. vindictive... if anyone finds them such.. I apologize.
I sometimes rattle on about things... but that is what this blog is for.. it's a release for me to share my feelings.. at first it was only given to a few of my friends.. 4 or 5... but since then, the word has evidently spread.. because this blog isn't available for viewing by search... or by the general public... you have to have the URL. ...so all the visitors have been people who have been given a door into my life. There's nothing here that I regret saying... because it is all what I was feeling at the time.. and most of it I will continue to feel... It's a part of who I am.. I can't erase my thoughts.. all I can do is try to remain true to them... I don't wish to hide anything.. that's why I'm so candid with my writings. I don't put anything here for the sake of hurting her.. or anyone else. If you are offended by the things I said... then don't read it. Could I be inaccurate in some of my observations? ...of course.. but as I said.. this is one of my few avenues to release my thoughts.. to actually feel like I have a voice.
I sometimes think about sex.. and even feel overwhelmed at times... I have found the easiest way to put away this feeling is to think about how I won't allow myself to love anyone else... after a few minutes of that... my mind no longer is interested in sex. I need an emotional commitment to have sex... to feel that I can commit a part of myself. It is sometimes a struggle in my mind.. and the ideas that wander in stray me into trying to make a compromise... but I have to hold true to my ideas and principles.. I don't want to lose myself... even if I care for someone.. I can't ..and won't commit to a lasting intimate relationship.. and hence will not lead her on. I won't "use" anyone. ..or at least I hope that's not what she thinks... I sometimes lean on my friends to get me through the lowest times... and those that are true friends have stuck with me.. even when I am thoughtless.. and blunt.. But.. I'll try to remain honest. I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone... my friends.. and especially the one I still hold in my heart. I don't mean any of my words to be callous.. vindictive... if anyone finds them such.. I apologize.
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