My place...

So... I've disabled everything.. removed myself from everyone that I have been in contact with online.. and disabled comments here.  I will leave this as an outlet for some of the things that go through my head in the years to come.. but I know that now I am certain to be alone. I don't want any relationship with anyone else.  I will continue to hold her in my heart.. what's left of it.  I feel like my world doesn't really exist anymore. I refuse to allow myself to move on. I am not certain what will happen over time with my life, but I figure to move out of here in the Spring.. and then find a small place where I can continue to work and support my daughters. I was so certain of things just a few months ago.. and now I realize that I was the only one who thought that way.  I think that she felt like ending it awhile back because she was thinking that I would end it sooner or later.  Sometimes we care about someone so much, we smother them.. we "trap" them.. I let her go.. because I do love her. She needs to find her own happiness... and it's evident that happiness wasn't with me.  I don't know how long it will take me to adjust to the emptiness I feel inside right now.  I just know that it would have been better if I had removed myself from the internet a long time ago.  If we are lucky, we meet someone that touches our lives... as she touched mine.. only once in a lifetime.  She showed me that we can overcome adversity and even if things get crazy sometimes.. we can find our way through it.  I truly thought she cared about me.. and I think at one time.. she did love me.   I'm not certain it was "love" ...love doesn't end.  I think she thought she loved me..  I now know I did.. and do still love her. I have a feeling that she will be going through some hard times soon. I wish I could continue to support her and let her know that she has someone to count on... Hopefully she has found someone she can lean on.. as I am certain that I am no longer welcome in her world. I would gladly forgive all her transgressions.. at any time.  I don't know if she will be able to forgive mine.  Yes... I've done things out of jealousy.. made mistakes I shouldn't have.. And I was hoping that her love was strong enough to overlook the pettiness that sometimes overtook me.. and that she would be able to see into my heart...  I know who she is.. She knows who I am. I never meant to lie to her.. and I'm certain she never meant to lie to me... but it happened.  For that, I am truly sorry. I sometimes wonder how things could have been done differently... but what's done is done.  We have to move on with our lives.  For me.. moving on.. means accepting things the way they are.  I choose not to get involved with anyone anymore.   I will move on.. but I won't move forward.  I suppose in a way, my dad was right... No one says that life has to bring you happiness.  I have decided to just use this as an avenue to vent.. when things get difficult for me.  I don't even know if anyone is reading it.. or not.. I don't want to know anymore.  That's why I took my visitor log down.  This is for me.. I'm the only one I can count on in this life.  For those of you.. who may have this blog address.. or stumble across it... I thank you for the contributions you've made to my life, and I'm sorry if my going away has affected you negatively.. but I have to do this... I have to live this way.  In time.. I'll adjust.  As the days turn into weeks.. months.. years.. if you care to know whatever happened to me.. you're welcome to stop by and read my posts... but I won't be able to communicate with anyone anymore.  For those of you who I have wronged... I apologize. I can't be anyone except who I am.  I can't feel anything differently than what's in my heart. ...I'll deal with it.  ...as time passes, I am hoping my posts get less melancholy.. but there will always be that sadness in my heart. This whole ordeal has shown me that sometimes love just isn't enough.  ...You won't see me on messengers.. or on the chat sites.. I won't be posting about how I was done wrong.. because I wasn't done wrong.  It takes two people to have an arguement.  The fault lies with both of us. I just chose to be blind to some things ...I was blinded by love at times.. jealousy at other times. I wish nothing but the best for those of you who have touched my life in some way.  In the meantime you're always welcome to observe my ramblings here in my place...