Hopelessly lost

I woke up this morning.. and my first thoughts were of not having to work today.. not of her..  is that a sign I'm starting to heal?  I sometimes feel anger and frustration that she has elected to shut me completely out of her life ... knowing that I care so much.. but refusing to share anything about what is going on.  I try to refuse to care.  I want to be able to not see her in most of the things I do.. I suppose that's why I play WoW... she didn't ever enter that realm of my life.. and it's there I can escape... let my mind wander away from how pathetic I've become.  I honestly don't have a clue what is happening with pretty much anyone aside from the two people I come in contact with on there...  No one else cares enough to share their time with me.  ...not that I have a lot of it anyway.. I've gotten 24 hours of overtime this week.. I think if they call me today.. I'll tell them I have plans.  My old yahoo is completely gone.. I still have one that I was using a couple of years ago.. but I rarely if ever.. log into it.  I use a new one now.. that only 2 people have.. but I don't need it either.. I'm probably going to end up having yahoo delete it too.. it only disappoints me to log into an almost empty list.. never to see anything there.  I will work on severing all ties with her.. and let her get on with her life.  I still don't want to move on.. and have no plans to..  but I can't go back either.. it doesn't get any easier... over 2 months have passed.. and it gets harder and harder.. knowing that I was such a fool for trusting in someone that didn't have a clue what she wanted... or maybe she did.. and what she wanted was someone else all along.  I won't make that mistake again.. no one is going to make me commit to loving them.. I won't let it happen... I still hurt. I don't find myself crying quite so much anymore.. only a few times a day now..  but every once in awhile.. I let myself smile.. I am able to escape from my pain to just exist without her in my thoughts. I don't know how long I can keep this up.. but at least I have support from a person who does actually care enough to make herself a part of my life.  I owe her so much for being there while I ramble on incessantly about how pathetic I am. I don't want to hurt her.. that's what I'm afraid of.. she's been so kind to me.. and I know I won't allow myself to go past a certain point with anyone as far as my feelings are concerned..  It's not fair to her.. and sometimes I want to push her away now.. but she keeps insisting that I can't push her out of my life.. and that she won't get hurt.. She knows how I am.. and what I am not capable of.. I don't want to be an ass about it.. being a very close friend to her.. and then so distant.. maybe it IS because I am a Gemini.. maybe it's because I have so much conflict in my head. I really don't know.  I do know that I am here in front of my computer... or at work.. or sleeping... that's pretty much it. I have shut my life out.. even to my family... I don't know when I will start crying again.. and I can't explain to them why I am...

I have 11 days of compensatory time I have to take before April.. I am working the day after Thanksgiving.. and I won't need time off at Christmas... when I accumulated the days.. I figured I would need them.. now.. I know I won't.  I have the money set aside to go on a cruise.. and the time.. I really don't want to go alone.. I have wanted that since I can remember.. and now it is actually possible.. but I can't do that yet.. I can't enjoy it at the moment.. I won't be going until I can find myself again... if that ever happens. I'm still hopelessly lost.

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