alone again.

Yesterday I got some much needed rest.. but they called me in for today.. and I agreed to work. I got a call from my dad asking if we were going to come visit.. but I said that I wasn't going anywhere...  I haven't left the county for other than work purposes in several weeks now.. the last time was to pick up a bottle of wine.. I just don't want to visit anyone.. I don't want to allow anyone to be around me and see the mess I'm in.. ...and I won't lean on just anyone for support.  I woke up last night several times.. slept restlessly.. and just lay there for awhile until I finally fell back asleep.  I am not certain that I will ever get over this... one breakup (my divorce) ...is bad enough.. but two at once... is almost more than I can bare. I lay there for about an hour thinking about all the wonderful times I've had the past year... and I've shared more than I ever have... now that part is gone.. lost.. I won't allow myself to make the same mistakes.. and give myself to someone ...just so they can walk away when they decide I'm not what they want.   It's her birthday on Wednesday.. and I had to cancel my birthday present to her... I had it planned for months.. and no.. I won't divulge to anyone what it was... I can at least keep that as a reminder of how I shouldn't plan for the future.. and how I shouldn't count on anyone except myself..  I am thankful for the couple of people that still listen to me ramble..  even if it is about her most of the time.. and how I'm missing her..  I still remember her clothing and shoe sizes.. what colors she likes.. what fragrances she wears... I integrated her into my soul.. and then part of my soul got ripped away.
I did occupy myself playing WoW yesterday...  forgot my pain for a period of time.. today.. I slept late.. because I don't have to be at work until this afternoon... so I will probably play some more this morning.. it's working as a distraction..  I keep my mind occupied..  I figure this will be my life now.. work.. sleep. and play WoW... and blog each day.   I'm certain that people will get tired of my rambling in a few years.. but I don't mind... my blog is for me.. and it gives me a chance to get what I'm feeling out.. I don't even proofread my blog most of the time.. it is usually done within a few minutes.. and then I post it... that's why if I say things to offend someone.. it's just me.. being blunt.. and honest.. I'm good at that.. Those that know me.. understand.. those of you who don't.. may think I'm being mean.. and nasty.. it's not that.. on purpose anyway.... I truly do care about not hurting people.. helping when I can... it's what drives me in life...  but here.. in my blog.. I won't compromise my thoughts... it's going to be what comes to my mind...  
I want so much to change.. I want to be able to wake up.. and think that I will do something good... be more active... but I have no one to do that with... I am fairly certain that I have cut all ties with her... and that she is more than angry at me.. furious probably.. for all the things I've said... I guess it'll just have to be that way.  As much as I want her back in my life.. and things to work for the better.. this time apart just shows me that she really didn't want me in her life in the first place.. she's doing more than fine without me.. if she ever wants me back in her life.. I would gladly accept her in it..  but I won't compromise myself and just trust that she will be able to pop in and out at her convenience.. I won't be her.. backup.. or safety net.. I have feelings that have been shattered.. and it will take a long time to fix them where I will not expect to be destroyed again.. I don't know if I'll ever reach that point again.. where I can trust someone.. I kind of doubt that I will.   It's not even other people that I don't trust.. it's my feelings in relation to them... one thing that her walking away from me without warning has taught me.. is that no matter how much you care about someone.. they can always change their mind about you.. and then you are left alone again...

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