It's just the way it is
Ok.. so I'm an asshole... I push away my family.. my friends.. even the one I love.. although I'm still not quite sure how I did that... and the few friends I do have left expect things to change... I know that is probably never going to happen.. and I keep saying that.. it's just a matter of time before everyone gets tired of the way things are.. and goes away... it's ok though.. I have come to expect that.... I really don't know how to change who I am.. and the way I feel.. and I am not so certain I would want to... even if I could. I wanted my life to be different for so long.. and when I found an opportunity to find happiness.. I gave it my all.. I now refuse to give in to allowing anyone to care deeply about me anymore. I see even more pain and heartache in my future.. but I can only be what I am. I feel like my life has seen its high point.. and I am just looking forward to retiring years from now.. and spending my final days alone.. I am fairly certain now that I won't change.. and no one will replace what I thought I had... it's impossible to compete with a "ghost". My memories are just that.. wonderful memories.. and I will live with those..
I am already ready for work.. I woke up early today.. couldn't sleep well again last night. I feel like a heel for the hurt I cause people.. even though I really don't plan on it.. People must expect something more from me than what I am.. and I can't change that. If someone is going to be in my life.. I hope they can deal with the disappointment.
I took care of a purchase.. and now have more than I counted on for the holiday season.. I guess maybe I tried to buy my way into her life.. I didn't think I was.. but that could have been one of the reasons she pushed me away. I do now know how to set up a soda machine if the case ever arises... I know most of you won't get that.. and it's ok.. it's just something that I was interested in learning... I have a couple of cases of sodas in my car.. for when I get thirsty.. my daughters picked them out for me.. Diet Dr. Pepper.. and Diet Sunkist... but for some reason.. I still stop and get a Diet Coke.. I didn't even like them at one time.. didn't even notice them.. now.. I see them everywhere.
I want life to just pass by.. every day when I wake up.. I just think about getting through to tomorrow. One day at a time.. that's all I can expect. I have no expectations in my life.. I find that way.. I don't get disppointed. I am learning to live that way. I still slowly feel myself .. becoming the old man you see in the movie "Up" ...I can live with that though. There are far worse things.. I pop on messenger for a few seconds every now and then.. a couple of times.. she was logged on.. she was either busy.. or didn't see me.. but I won't intrude in her life now.. she was the one that aske me to go away.. so I have.. I won't even attempt to log into the sites I once frequented.. I am fairly certain that I couldn't handle it.. I know if the roles were reversed.. if about 6 months ago.. I had told her.. I needed her to go away and then was with someone else... she would feel horrible. Even with all that has happened.. all I can think of.. is I know she is going to be hurt again.. that's all the sites are filled with.. and I feel so sorry for her. The pain she will go through.. it isn't a place where anyone can find people to support you.. I thought it was.. and every once in awhile.. you DO find someone that cares... but it's so rare.. I thought I had found that in her.. I probably have that now.. but as I said before.. I'm damaged and will not be able to allow anyone else that close. If someone wants to be a part of my life.. they'll have to deal with who I am... and the fact that I will always have the deepest feelings for her. It's just the way it is..
I am already ready for work.. I woke up early today.. couldn't sleep well again last night. I feel like a heel for the hurt I cause people.. even though I really don't plan on it.. People must expect something more from me than what I am.. and I can't change that. If someone is going to be in my life.. I hope they can deal with the disappointment.
I took care of a purchase.. and now have more than I counted on for the holiday season.. I guess maybe I tried to buy my way into her life.. I didn't think I was.. but that could have been one of the reasons she pushed me away. I do now know how to set up a soda machine if the case ever arises... I know most of you won't get that.. and it's ok.. it's just something that I was interested in learning... I have a couple of cases of sodas in my car.. for when I get thirsty.. my daughters picked them out for me.. Diet Dr. Pepper.. and Diet Sunkist... but for some reason.. I still stop and get a Diet Coke.. I didn't even like them at one time.. didn't even notice them.. now.. I see them everywhere.
I want life to just pass by.. every day when I wake up.. I just think about getting through to tomorrow. One day at a time.. that's all I can expect. I have no expectations in my life.. I find that way.. I don't get disppointed. I am learning to live that way. I still slowly feel myself .. becoming the old man you see in the movie "Up" ...I can live with that though. There are far worse things.. I pop on messenger for a few seconds every now and then.. a couple of times.. she was logged on.. she was either busy.. or didn't see me.. but I won't intrude in her life now.. she was the one that aske me to go away.. so I have.. I won't even attempt to log into the sites I once frequented.. I am fairly certain that I couldn't handle it.. I know if the roles were reversed.. if about 6 months ago.. I had told her.. I needed her to go away and then was with someone else... she would feel horrible. Even with all that has happened.. all I can think of.. is I know she is going to be hurt again.. that's all the sites are filled with.. and I feel so sorry for her. The pain she will go through.. it isn't a place where anyone can find people to support you.. I thought it was.. and every once in awhile.. you DO find someone that cares... but it's so rare.. I thought I had found that in her.. I probably have that now.. but as I said before.. I'm damaged and will not be able to allow anyone else that close. If someone wants to be a part of my life.. they'll have to deal with who I am... and the fact that I will always have the deepest feelings for her. It's just the way it is..
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