As I still drift...

It would be nice.. if the world were in black and white.. with no shades of gray. Things are either right.. or their wrong.  Good or bad.. but the world isn't like that.. and neither are people. I am glad I have a person or two in my life to support me now... those that go the extra mile to show that they truly care as a friend.  Even when I am down on myself and my life... I am shown that someone cares enough to be there. I push people away because I refuse to trust. I still don't trust people.. nor myself... at least not after what I thought I felt before.. only to have been shown that I don't have a clue about the workings of other people.  Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and things would be ok again... but I know that's not going to happen. I want life to be all sunshine and rainbows... but it's mainly all brown and shitty. I am thankful for the people who don't allow me to give up on life.. and actively seek to be a part of it.  I still have HUGE titanium steel walls put up around me.. and they're not coming down any time soon... but I realize that despite everything else, I have to go on with life.. I have to wake up each day.. I have to support my daughters.. I just do what I can to survive each day lately. I don't pretend to have any answers. All I learn as I get older is that not a whole lot makes sense. I only wish I knew what direction my life was heading.. instead of floating aimlessly. I don't see my future like I once did... it's all cloudy and murky now. Sometimes it looks bleak.. cold.. lonely... I guess that my experiences show me that I shouldn't worry about it.. it's been that way for a long time.. I was just too foolish and stupid to see it.  I was wrong in letting someone get that close so quickly... I know that it will be a long time... if EVER... that I will be able to trust my own judgement again. ...so in the meantime.. I'll work.. play my game.. and just try to enjoy the few bright spots that occur from time to time as I still drift...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

Stay Out Of Things Where I Don't Belong.

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...
Read more