Temporary

If you look closely, you will notice that all my entries are either really late.. or really early.  ...I am still working 25 - 30 hours a week of overtime...  some weekends too... so I am not able to do much else...I will be working late tonight.. tomorrow night.. even this Saturday..  I use what time I'm not working to catch up on my gameplay on WoW.   By looking at the counter at the bottom, it looks like I am getting a lot of traffic.  I don't know if people are just happening on this site.. or how many other people have been told about it. I've only told 4 or 5 people.   I opened up the page for people to comment on my stupidity.. and naivity. I'm not afraid for anyone to see anything I've posted... it's all been what I'm feeling... honestly.. openly... just like I've tried to be.  I can't help but feel that it's going to be a long time before I am really able to be completely open...one on one. I still feel hurt.. betrayed... I cannot make a commitment to one person.... and then just readily jump into another relationship. ... that's not my nature.  I know I've mentioned this before, but I really am.. monogamous... yes.. I am married.. but I don't have an intimate relationship with my wife.. just friendship. ...and it took me a long time to get over that.. to the point of even wanting anything with someone else.  I can't just be with someone.. and say..  I love you... then move to someone else.. and say.. I love you.... not in the sense of how most of you take it to mean.  I do love those few that play an important part of my life.. that care.. but I am still tainted on the whole "love" thing.  I have known people who can flitter from relationship to relationship.. or have intimate feelings for more than one person at a time.. I don't see how people can do that and actually expect to call themselves faithful. Yes.. I have been unfaithful to my spouse... in a legal sense.  ...but it took years of being over before I was.   I almost made a mistake with someone 15 months ago.. but luckily she and I were never able to truly commit ourselves body and soul to each other.. she wanted someone else.  ...after that... it was several months before I would allow myself to be that vunerable again.   To give in to my feelings and truly dive into a relationship completely.  It bothers me that people can do that.. have something they call a wonderful relationship.. and then a month later... or even sooner.. they're in another "wonderful" relationship.. I do sort of pity this type of person... I can't look at a relationshp as being "temporary" ...I understand why now why in my last relationship she didn't want to talk about the future... in her mind.. even though I didn't feel that way... she knew it was only going to be temporary....

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