Willing to survive

I want things to be different.  I really do... sometimes I think that I am going down the path of life in total darkness.. not having a clue what's about to spring out at me next. I hate feeling like I am expected to do something... and then not do it.  Right now.. I'm not making any plans for anything. I would love to be able to trust people.. or even myself.. but I can't.. I won't.  I will be this way for a long time.  I am afraid of being hurt again.. and of hurting someone else.  It seems that a lot of life is about hurt.  I was told that because I am a Gemini.. I would be hot one minutes.. and cold the next.  ...like I was two different people.  I can see that.. it's because I have so much conflict going on inside of me.  I know what I should do..  and what I want to do... and a lot of times.. that creates chaos in my mind.  I am finding it difficult to care too deeply about anyone now... even my daughters are having to suffer because of my mental state... I can't even tell them I love them anymore. I'm sure I do.. right?  I mean.. I would miss them if they weren't in my life.  I would hate for anything to happen to them..  I would do anything for them... but I am not certain that's love.  I'm not certain about a lot of things right now.  I just can't commit my feelings.. I still remain tainted on the idea of love... I care about people.. but that's the most I can fathom at the moment.  I can let my mind go for brief periods of time.. even enjoy a few moments now and then... but I can't seem to give in to the fact that I'm going to hurt.. and be hurt again...  It's not really fair to the people who do care about me..  I don't want to give too much of myself .. because I just don't have it in me anymore.  I know that is difficult to understand.. and I wish I had more... but I still zone out frequently.. and think... what happened?   how did I cause this? ...and I know.. that I will not survive another event like my last two months... I guess my mind tends to shut down.. no matter how much I open up and try to be normal.  I do want to change myself.. my way of thinking.. but I honestly don't know if I can.  I have to drive to Nashville today.. to test some students.. and I am dreading it.. I know I will pass so many of the sites there that will open up old wounds.. because of their significance in my visits to that city.  I find myself unable to break out of this cold feeling that creeps in at times.  I like the idea that I am safe in my little dinghy.. but I don't want to capsize that boat and drown in the river of shit that has come to surround my life. I want to just live each day.. only to be able to make it to the next one.. that's the only commitment I can make right now.. just to be willing to survive..

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