Ummmmmm... so.. I'm still falling

My spouse and I talked yesterday for hours... we were trying to get things worked out.. about how things would go when I moved out.  I told her that at first... I would stay near.. or at least close enough that my daughters could count on me to be there whenever they wanted to see me. She did let me know that she would be able to move on.. after I told her that I wanted her to be happy.. and that was one of my main concerns. She deserves to find someone that can relate with her.. and be with her in a supportive way.  Someone she has things in common with. I know she's been nothing but great throughout this whole thing. I figure that once I move out.. we will remain good friends.. that's what she wants. She realizes that she and I have grown up since we got married.. and once we've matured.. we realize that we both want completely different things.  My oldest.. knows what's going to happen... she let my spouse know that she doesn't want to know anything else.. until we have a plan... and know for certain what we are going to do.  I think she may help my youngest cope with what will eventually happen. ...I plan on starting to look for a place in about 3 months.

Online... a few of you may happen across this place. I want to be separated from the online world.. to a certain extent.. I guess you might say.. I need my "space".  I don't know what's in store for me.. and sometimes being alone seems scary.. I get nervous about it. ..but.. succeed.. or fail, I am certain that I will feel much better than I do now..   I wake each day... knowing that I have to work... to support people who care, but don't interact with me. None of them want to be in my life... but expect me to be in theirs instead.  I've done that.. for a long time.  I have been here doing what they want.  ...now it is time for me to be.. ME.  I really never meant to hurt anyone.  I just seem to be losing trust as people tend to change... and be spiteful.. or mean... or something I just didn't expect from them.  ...I have positive thoughts of a few people I called my friends.. and I just want to hold onto those ideas of them.. and remember them for who they were. 

I still love her... I do more and more...with each passing day.  I won't go back online.. I won't interact at the sites I've been at.. at the moment, my future seems unsure.. and I don't know how long it will remain this way.  I thought of her several times in the past few days.  I can't imagine my life without her. I used to be so ...witty.. happy.. funny..  I can't be that way anymore.. She has that part of me that gives me inspiration.  I am so sad that she is dealing with a lot of pain at the moment.. and I don't know how to support her. I only wish that I could hold her close.. and give her everything I have left.. I told her once.. to borrow from a movie.. that love is like "Geronimo"  ...I dove in.. with everything I had.. I gave everything.. completely... sometimes you have to do that to get the most out of something.  I'm still falling..  one  thing about that though.. is that once you start falling.. you can't get back out..  I am content to be falling.. I remember all the wonderful times we had.. and who she really is.  I've never met a person more perfect.. for me.  ...and I don't need to try anymore.  Will we be together?  ...it doesn't matter, I suppose... I will continue to hope ...I've hoped.. even when I thought hope was pointless. I have faith that maybe someday she will see what her love means to me. I don't require anything from her.. Things are the way they are.. I can't change that.. she can't change that.. I don't even want to change it...  IF she ever decides that it's me that she wants in her life.. I will be here.. opening my life to her.. if she doesn't.. I'll continue to wait.. and hold on to the beautiful memories we shared. Is that moving on? ...maybe not.. but it's the only way I can go.  I know most of you can't understand that... that I might need to get involved at some point and time.. That would only bring more pain.... I would be lying to anyone I tried to get involved with.. as I would only be trying to find a substitute for what I already had..  I would constantly be comparing in my head... wishing that the person I was with.. was more like her. I won't do that to anyone. Ummmmmmm.... so.. I'm still falling.