Paradox

Evidently someone feels I am wasting my time "pining away for someone who has moved on" ...it's not like I really care what this person thinks.. but it seems as though some people might feel what I'm doing is lamenting over a lost love.  The fact is.. the love isn't lost...   if there is such a thing as love... then it has to be what I feel for her.  Yes.. I get dramatic sometimes... I might even lose myself in my rhetoric about how I am in pain... Right now, my pain defines me... it's all I can feel.  I don't expect many to understand,  but I told her a long time ago.. that I would forgive her.. even if she were to "stray" while we were together.... and I would forgive her...  the point is.. we weren't exactly together.  She has a problem with being able to face her feelings much of the time.   I don't know if she meant to fall out of love with me... or if what she felt... was more a freedom that I gave her... an escape.... I might not ever actually know. I can't trust what I feel.. I DO know that.  Right now... the lyrics of the song I mentioned yesterday fit so well

Not Over You - Gavin Degraw

Dreams, that's where I have to go
to see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
where we both admit we had it good but
until then it's alienation, I know, that much is understood
And I realize

If you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
and finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what they say, I'm not over you
Not over you

Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
You took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I I'm a boomerang doesn't matter how you throw me
Turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

If you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
and finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say, I'm not over you

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then

If you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
and finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say, I'm not over you
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you

I couldn't put it any better than those lyrics.  I get so conflicted inside my head.. I keep hanging on to something that has walked away from me... I think it's a combination of several things that keeps me in the state I'm in.  I do know.. that I am not interested in pursing a relationship with anyone else... nor will I be.. because of the inability to know if I am just going to be a temporary escape or not. Maybe she just can't face her feelings.. and ran from them...  maybe I really am a loser.. like the comment made from someone in my previous post.  I really don't care.. it's not like I have a choice in what I feel.. in who I am.  I can't run from what my heart knows... I won't pretend like I will care as deeply for anyone... Will this pass??   people say it will.. but I don't think I'll actually let it pass... if I give up on what I felt.. I've then admitted to myself that no matter how hard you try.. and how much you love... it's not enough. I do feel that way sometimes... but I am in a paradox.. if I don't give up... I'll never love anyone else... if I do... then I'll never believe in the feelings I have are actually love..