Under my Hat

So... it's been a long weekend... full of pondering and pensive thought.  I am heading to the graveyard in just a bit.. to try to face my demons.. I've never been able to get out of the car at my mom's grave.. I am hoping that today I will be able to.. I bought flowers for her.. for Mother's Day.. but couldn't take them. I know there are many people out there who have lost a loved one.. I guess part of the reason I feel so horrible is that I was self absorbed during the time she was dying.. just thinking about pain.. and resentment on all sides.. that I squandered the last week or two she was with us.. I let my anguish over someone that really shouldn't even matter in my life.. overshadow my last days... I think that will be hard to ever forgive myself.. or her.. over.. I will try to put it behind me.. but at times.. it keeps surfacing.. The superficial year I had became too much of a negative influence when reality finally surfaced. I became so engrossed with m...

So... I have been thinking more about the sites.. for the most part.. I am becoming dependent on them to justify who I am... what I'm thinking.. when I can just put forth what I am feeling here.. if I need to get it out.  I try  to justify being there.. to satisfy my need for social interaction.. but the truth is.. there are a number of people that can contact me.. if they choose to remain a part of my world. Does that mean I won't be on the sites anymore? I don't believe so.. it's just becoming a release to try to show everyone who I am... and what I think... why should that matter.  I am happy with who I am.. and shouldn't need to seek the attention of people in general to support that. Unfortunately the longer I am there... the more I seem to do that... why am I on one site more than the other... what causes me to post.. do I want to try to let people know I'm witty?.. I suppose at times.. I enjoy a little harmless banter.. but for the most part.. I am observ...

As I've stated before.. I sometimes wrestle with the thoughts of why I'm still posting.. a friend asked me if I was posting maybe for someone else... because she was at that site.. I have been thinking about that. I think we all subconsciously do things without realizing it.. but I'd like to think that I don't have an agenda.. I'm not close-minded enough not to weigh the possibility though.  Then I get to thinking.. about why I post at the other site.. and pretty much come up with the exact same reasons. I said something yesterday that I feel is one of the most profound things I've come up with in awhile.. we all need to learn from our past.. not live in it. I look to move forward with my life.. and I have a great opportunity to do that.. with the support of the people in my life. Anyone that says they can do it all on their own.. is much stronger than I am.. I appreciate the friends I have.. the support I'm given.. and feel lucky to be given such wonderful ...

Relationships aren't really all that difficult.. once you establish them with the right person. It takes little to no effort to be the person you are... If that person accepts you... then you have a wonderful relationship... if someone chooses to try to be someone else from the beginning.. that's where things screw up in a hurry. I have witnessed so many people who aren't doing so hot in relationships.. but then I've noticed there is so much of themselves that they hide.. There's no wonder that it doesn't work.... I'm glad that I've overcome the crap of trying to hide things.. of trying to be someone that I'm not.. I don't feel the need to be anyone other than who I am... and I have someone that accepts that.. and supports me in all I do. I also have friends that give me support.. sometimes when I back away.... I do it because I just don't know how to cope.. I think we all do that at times.. we sometimes push people away that we really care a...

I have decided that I will never force a post here.. if I have a few things on my mind... and I'm not certain what I want to blog about.. I might start blogging.. but I won't finish it unless I feel it is worthy of being issued.. that doesn't mean I will censor myself.. I will continue to carry on with what is first and foremost on my mind.. sometimes it just takes me a bit of time to work things out in my head.  I am still recovering from a bad weekend.. but I am almost back to normal.  I had a coworker yesterday tell me that her mom.. also another coworker.. is going through almost the exact situation that my mom went through in Dec.  Right now, she is just beginning to deal with the problems.. but I am hoping she isn't as far along as my mom was.  It's difficult to sit and discuss things with her.. and try to not be pessimistic.. although I know that isn't what she needs right now. I will just keep her in my thoughts and prayers.  I know that a lot of my frie...

Okay.. so I'm pretty much back to normal.. just feeling a bit.. disoriented at times.  I don't like.. passive aggressive.. and it seems like that's what I get a lot.. I'm not even sure they know they are doing it. Possibly it has become such an ingrained part of their lives on such a scale that they really don't realize what they are doing.  People tend to become martyrs for no reason.. I, myself, have put myself into this role... for my daughters... but to what end.. Am I sending them the signal that this is okay?... I sometimes behave in a manner that I hate seeing in others.. and I feel that I'm being hypocritical.  Would I want to send this message to my children.. that it's okay to be passive.. to suffer so that others around you are happy.  It's a good message if the circumstances are that of someone whose actions will affect many lives.. I want the people around me.. my friends.. my daughters.. to be happy... but at some point we have to realize t...

Okay.. so we all go through turbulent times.. not knowing exactly what is going on inside our heads.. I don't know why.. but this last few days has been discombobulating for me.  It seems as though I lost a bit of my confidence in who I am.. Yesterday was a completely unnerving day from the beginning, as my dad came over early and brought his mowing equipment.. My yard needed mowing and I evidently wasn't doing a good enough job to do it. So here I am 46 years old.. and my father still treats me like I'm 9.. instructing me in such things as .. "don't fall off the mower on hills"  "don't mow too close to the trees, you'll skin them up" ...and more things than I care to go into.. it's just very frustrating.. I had a friend die Thursday.. well.. I can't call him a friend.. I've spoken to him several times.. I pass his place on my way to work every morning since 2001.. and wave when he is out. He is the brother to my closest neighbor...

I don't feel needy anymore... I have come to that realization.. the things I want in my life.. are just that... desires.. wants.. I don't need anything.. and I'm glad of that. I hate to feel that it is a requirement to have anything.. or anyone in my life... That only leads to resentment for having to need. I haven't played World of Warcraft in awhile.. even though  it is all up to date.. I haven't logged on to my facebook.. just because I haven't wanted to.. Life is a lot of wants.. all rolled up into a little ball. When it comes down to it.. the only needs in our life should be the basics... Food, shelter, hmmmm... some say love.. and it's possible that love could be a need.. I haven't gone without it long enough to figure it out... I've always had love and support.. from friends.. my daughters... and I'm happy for that.  Sometimes we take for granted how much love and support we really do have... we get blinded by the adversities that pop up f...

It's amazing how we let other people shape us.... define us.. let them tell us who to be. I look over my past.. and I've done that a lot. I've lost friends because of other people in my life.  I keep saying that I am going to be myself... and I finally I feel I am reaching that point. Yes.. I respond to stimuli that are perpetrated by other people.. I interact with others... but I don't let them tell me how to act. I received a PM from a friend.. in this PM it was pointed out how much of an ass I used to be.. and she's right... I was so insecure.. and so afraid in my previous relationship.. that I pushed everyone away... I feel at a much better place now.. I am glad I have the solid support I want.. and need.. I choose my path... I am discovering myself daily... and I try to maintain a positive attitude.. I want my friend to find who they are.. and to quit letting people manipulate them. I want those other people who choose not to be my friend.. to be themselves.. i...

I love my morning bath... it's like I am washing all the crap off from the past.. and starting each day anew.. I feel like there is sometimes a lot of crap I'm exposed to.  It's amazing how full of crap some people are. I had someone make a post yesterday that I responded to.. both posts got modded... I understand sort of.. why.. it was confrontational behavior... and the site I'm on.. doesn't like public confrontation.. The problem is.. I still can't see where I did anything wrong except make what I felt to be a funny comment. I gave someone rep and said..in response to his "I won't join the collective"  ...."We are Borg, you shall be assimilated"  Well.. I live and learn.. some people are just hyper-sensitive.  I'm also supposed to stay away from "his people" ...I hope there is a list somewhere as I don't have a clue as to who his people are... I can guess 3... so I will avoid those.. other than that.. it'll be hit...

I don't like the times when I've lost myself... the times where I feel I need to act a certain way in order to counter ...or retaliate against someone's words or actions.  It is at those points when I have become someone I am not. Luckily, I have focus in my world now where I can overlook the pettiness of other people, for the most part. I feel as though I can't begin to express my appreciation for the people in my life. Sometimes, my interaction isn't verbose.. nor does it involve a great amount of activity... but still it's a bit of normalcy in my ever-changing world.  No one says that things don't change.. they actually do.. it's the responsibility of each person to make sure they try to change them in a positive manner. I spent too much of my time already wasted on matters of no importance. When I do that.. it gives merit to the idea that these thoughts or activities are meaningful... I have just been thinking about how we interact with others.. and ...

Today is Mother's Day. It seems very strange not having a trip planned to visit my mom... she is one of the few people in my life that gave me hope for the behavior of people... She never talked bad about anyone... she never intentionally hurt anyone... and she tried to live the best she could for her beliefs.... they were strong beliefs.. and ones we didn't always share... but nevertheless... she did  an outstanding job of upholding them. She was a very strong person... as far as her character went. She did what she could to be a wonderful mother... and good wife... and a friend to everyone.  She put up with more from my dad than I would have ever thought humanly possible.. and where it was evident they didn't have a physical relationship... I knew she loved him more than anything.  She actually might have had relations with Dad.. but felt it her duty to keep intimate details from being obvious... she was good enough with that.  I still remember the final days.. the...

I was thinking about things today... and what I really stand for... I realized that there are very few things in my life.. that I would be hurt if they actually came out.... who can actually say that... that they have nothing to hide. I've made a few mistakes in my life.. certain enough.. but I would be able to face my demons if they ever surfaced.. Not many can actually say that... I am no better than anyone else, but I don't do much that I regret.  ...and of the very few things I've done... there's no reason to ever say I didn't do them... I would own up to it.  I don't know why so many people feel a need to be ashamed of what they've done.. or who they are. ...it's not really like they're lying.. so much as they just don't want the truth to be known.  If each of us digs into our past, we may be able to find issues lying dormant that we put into a back corner somewhere.. in hopes that no one ever finds out... but still we have to face the fact ...

I get to wash dishes this morning... well.. that is what I'm doing at work.. we have a student appreciation breakfast.. and I learned a few years ago how to run the industrial dishwasher... so I always volunteer for that job.  It keeps me busy and time goes by quickly... Unfortunately I can't do that with the rest of my life.. it always runs by so slowly.. unless I'm doing something I really enjoy... I guess the old phrase.. "time flies when you're having fun" actually does fit. I am hoping that I have the ability to catch up on a few things at work once breakfast is over... it seems like I'm always playing catch up.... but I'm okay with that.. I'm taking the time out of my schedule to do a few things that I really enjoy doing. I feel like there is too much time spent on worrying about things I can't control.. I know I shouldn't.. but I think we all do that. I am doing a better job of being more serene though. I feel like my life is a bit m...

So.. it seems everyone is having issues... or problems of some kind ...and not just one or two.. it's rampant.. I suppose it's the cycle of online dating.. but for the most part.. I think it's just the issue of trying to trust.. or maybe acceptance that a person.. shouldn't have trusted someone. We all tend to see things the way we want.. I know I previously said that.. but that was before it fit so well.. Most people want to believe in someone so badly.. and refuse to acknowledge that they may have made a mistake. I know I've made more than my share of mistakes.. The fact remains is that if someone isn't compatible with you... or more to the point.. you have issues with someone.. then why make yourself miserable..  I've always been about open, clear communication...  Once you've lost that.. there's no hope for a relationship. I see so much just from my observations that I am flabbergasted to learn when something is still working.. Not that I really ...

This is another testing day for my students.. so I will be driving them to Nashville this morning for a full day of testing. Sometimes I envy them.. not having to worry about supporting themselves.. getting training paid for by the government.. a place to live.. medical care... all they have to do for it.. is .. study. The tests are what get some of them.. but life in itself is a test. We are tested every day in so many ways. I don't mind though.. I just need to keep my strength up and face whatever it is I need to face each day. I sometimes feel that maybe I am not quite as good a friend as I once was.. it's not that I wouldn't do what I can for those I consider my friends.. I just feel like... maybe I don't put as much effort into keeping friendships active.. for me.. once I consider you my friend.. I try to make myself accessible if needed.. just a very few of my close friends get my phone number...and I am accessible 24/7. I want nothing but the best for my friends....

Isn't it amazing how people can choose to see things a certain way... but when it comes to themselves... they never have a clue that they are as guilty of faltering.. as the rest of us... I know that I have been guilty of that from time to time... I am so thickheaded that I figure I'm above all that.. I am not.. but I do try to be more mindful of it. I enjoy my life.. and the way things are... as much as I can right now... I don't want to get into a rut about posting the same things... over and over again... unfortunately.. some people cannot understand the obvious if it is even the slightest bit ...obscure. I have potential in my life for some amazing events to occur. I hope to explore the possibilities. I cannot really change who I am... as I have said before... but I can change how I react to things... or change my expectations... I think so much effort in our lives goes into trying to change things we can't... we strive to pull a dinosaur out of a hat.. when pulling...

I spent time yesterday... at church.. sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite for attending.. so.. I don't go nearly as much as I should.. I was there yesterday... for my daughter.. she was baptized.. I am proud of her.. even though I haven't been to church with them in a bit.. she has found something she believes in.. and is following her heart. That is all I have wanted for my children.. I still believe in God.. I know he exists.. I just choose to worship him in my own way. I have always wanted my daughters to follow what belief was put in their heart.. just as I feel all people should do. I don't exactly follow the doctrine of the church I was raised. I have a severe issue with Matthew 5:28. It is a problem.. I also know that I won't be changing my attitude any time soon.  I have decided to have the "talk" with my spouse again... I am giving her until January.. to get her "shit straight" so she can live.. without me.. I am planning on moving out th...

You ever get the feeling you're being watched.. I think we all do that.. and sometimes we pick certain people to watch.. When I was in college, I loved doing my clothes at the laundromat. I could take something to read.. or work on.. and watch the wide variety of people who came in and out of the establishment. It's sort of like that at the airport too.. you can watch... and wonder.. Each person is saddled with their own issues.. their own problems that they have to deal with...  We all think that our problems are much worse and more important than anyone else's ... they are no more.. or less important.. they are just different... still we sometimes let those problems get us down... I spent over 6 months in a major depressive moods... and now.. I'm doing wonderful.. I held on to things in my head.. that were just fantasy and were never real.. even if I thought they were at the time.. yes.. it does get one to doubt sometimes what is real.. and what is not... but that sho...

Another weekend... I sort of dread them.. because I don't know how much time I'm gonna have to spend to try to avoid my spouse. It's not like I'm trying to hurt her on purpose.. I just don't want to deal with her. I wonder how many people are truly happy in their marriages.. We all make up excuses for things we do... I make up excuses for why I'm still living here.. I make up excuses for not having the talk.. I think some of what goes into that is the fact that most of us.. are cowards.. and hate confrontation.. we don't want to upset the balance of our discomfort.... to possibly make things worse... but then.. many times.. it is better once we finally are able to jump into the abyss of divorce. My daughters are still the most important thing in my life.. as they will always be.  It's difficult to know what is the best for them.. and before making life altering decisions, I want to be careful not to completely screw up their lives.. right now... I can bl...

Did you ever notice that most times.. right after you wake up... you forget what you were just dreaming... within 30 seconds or so... I was like that for a long time... but then the first 30 seconds.. I decide to think about what I was just doing.. and I can then remember quite a bit of it... if I wake up and am instantly distracted... it's very likely I won't have a clue about my dream. I love my dreams... sometimes it's the only place I can go to get away.  I am putting off setting a standard time for leaving.. and I need not do that... I need to pick a date.. and then tell my spouse... hey.. THIS is the date.. that I'm moving out.. be ready. I hope to have that talk with her within the next week or so.. I will probably wait until the kids get out of school.. and maybe see if they will spend the night at their cousin's house. There's no emergency to my plans.. just that I feel I am sitting here.. wasting time.... I sort of didn't want to go and move everyt...

I think that life is going to be okay... for a lot of people... I had a conversation with someone and she was talking about an ex that was with one of her best friends... and that friends don't do that to others... well.. things happen beyond our control.. so.. it happens... move on... The thing is.. I told her that she doesn't have to wish them happiness... I personally don't wish any of my ex's... happiness.. I don't want to see them suffer... but why would I choose for them to be happy with someone else? I wasn't the one who left.   ..now don't get me wrong.. I wouldn't choose to have them back now... even if I could... but the fact remains.. I don't see how this is the "adult" way to be.   We have it ingrained in our heads from an early age.. that we should wish everyone happiness... It's nice to forgive and forget.. and I can forgive.. I just have a little issue sometimes with the forgetting part.. I continue to be mindful of thing...

Slightly off topic.. is the subject of.. sex... I think that human nature dictates most of us.. to seek out sexual gratification.. unfortunately this causes conflict....both with each other.. and within ourselves.  I believe that people will behave and react somewhat differently if they have abstained from sex.. or sexual activity for any length of time. So then there is the debate.. what constitutes sex. I had a former.. partner that insisted that if she didn't have intercourse.. there was no sex. I don't really subscribe to that theory. To me sex is about 75 percent mental anyway... so sex can take the place of many forms.. including phone.. cyber.. mutual masturbation.. oral.. anal.. and then straight intercourse.  I believe that a lot of the strong emotions we feel.. is intensified when we have experienced a drastic decline.. or stoppage of sexual activity. I think that is why some people feel the need to cheat.... or seek fulfillment elsewhere... I have to admit.. it is O...