No one makes it out alive.

So... it's been a long weekend... full of pondering and pensive thought.  I am heading to the graveyard in just a bit.. to try to face my demons.. I've never been able to get out of the car at my mom's grave.. I am hoping that today I will be able to.. I bought flowers for her.. for Mother's Day.. but couldn't take them. I know there are many people out there who have lost a loved one.. I guess part of the reason I feel so horrible is that I was self absorbed during the time she was dying.. just thinking about pain.. and resentment on all sides.. that I squandered the last week or two she was with us.. I let my anguish over someone that really shouldn't even matter in my life.. overshadow my last days... I think that will be hard to ever forgive myself.. or her.. over.. I will try to put it behind me.. but at times.. it keeps surfacing.. The superficial year I had became too much of a negative influence when reality finally surfaced. I became so engrossed with my problems.. and my issues..  I guess that's part of what I have to work through.  I wasted so much time in my life... on things that never really mattered.. just because I wanted to believe in them.  I would like to think my beliefs are much more solid now.. and it seems like they are.. but there is always doubt in life.. and things..  and even people.  I sometimes feel like the world closes in on me.. but I'm sure everyone probably goes through that.. so I just gather strength and keep on trudging.. day by day.. I can't always focus on the right path.. and many times... I am not even sure what the right path is..  I suppose all we can do is try to make the best choices for us.. I don't know that I do that a lot of the time.. I think we take the path of less resistance.. we try to keep the people in our lives.. happy.   I hold a firm belief that life has a certain plan... and where we have some free will.. I think it has been preordained what choices we will choose.. and events will unfold a certain way.. it gets into that whole.. space-time continuum discussion... and that is extremely deep. I will continue to make the choices I do.. based on what I believe in.. Life is a losing battle anyway.. no one makes it out alive.

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