All I can deliver.
Okay.. so we all go through turbulent times.. not knowing exactly what is going on inside our heads.. I don't know why.. but this last few days has been discombobulating for me. It seems as though I lost a bit of my confidence in who I am.. Yesterday was a completely unnerving day from the beginning, as my dad came over early and brought his mowing equipment.. My yard needed mowing and I evidently wasn't doing a good enough job to do it. So here I am 46 years old.. and my father still treats me like I'm 9.. instructing me in such things as .. "don't fall off the mower on hills" "don't mow too close to the trees, you'll skin them up" ...and more things than I care to go into.. it's just very frustrating..
I had a friend die Thursday.. well.. I can't call him a friend.. I've spoken to him several times.. I pass his place on my way to work every morning since 2001.. and wave when he is out. He is the brother to my closest neighbor.. landlord.. and former work colleague.... I know his whole family and work with his daughter.. I even ran over one of his chickens once a long time ago.. and we had a laugh about it. When I went into the funeral home.. it was the first time I had been in one.. since my mom died in January.. and I really almost broke down. I still remember it very clearly.. walking up to the casket.. and seeing someone there.. just brought a flood of painful memories. I still haven't been to my mom's grave... only in passing.. with dad.. I bought some flowers for her grave on Mother's Day.. but couldn't muster the strength to go put them out.. They're not real.. but I hope to gather strength to put them out on Memorial Day... I just seem to have lost a lot of confidence in life and the way I deal with people.. and I am feeling particularly vulnerable right now. I take times when I just don't want to talk much with anyone.. because I'm trying to work it all out in my head.. as I usually do.. It just doesn't make much sense and has been distracting me lately.. taking my attention away from the people that actually care about what is going on in my life. It's difficult to say I just don't have it in me to be myself at the moment. I know I'll come through this.. and all will be okay. I am learning to try to breathe again.. to put myself forward each day. Right now, I feel a bit selfish.. and somewhat self-absorbed.. and I shouldn't be.. I have people around me that need me.. and I am trying to be there for them.. trying not to completely cut myself off.. but I sometimes feel like I'm not enough for them.. that my efforts at the moment are an assurance that I still care about my friends.. I haven't corresponded very much with anyone lately...and I'm certain that people are taking it personally. I'm sorry if that's the case.. but at the moment, they will have to deal with it.. it's all I can deliver.
I had a friend die Thursday.. well.. I can't call him a friend.. I've spoken to him several times.. I pass his place on my way to work every morning since 2001.. and wave when he is out. He is the brother to my closest neighbor.. landlord.. and former work colleague.... I know his whole family and work with his daughter.. I even ran over one of his chickens once a long time ago.. and we had a laugh about it. When I went into the funeral home.. it was the first time I had been in one.. since my mom died in January.. and I really almost broke down. I still remember it very clearly.. walking up to the casket.. and seeing someone there.. just brought a flood of painful memories. I still haven't been to my mom's grave... only in passing.. with dad.. I bought some flowers for her grave on Mother's Day.. but couldn't muster the strength to go put them out.. They're not real.. but I hope to gather strength to put them out on Memorial Day... I just seem to have lost a lot of confidence in life and the way I deal with people.. and I am feeling particularly vulnerable right now. I take times when I just don't want to talk much with anyone.. because I'm trying to work it all out in my head.. as I usually do.. It just doesn't make much sense and has been distracting me lately.. taking my attention away from the people that actually care about what is going on in my life. It's difficult to say I just don't have it in me to be myself at the moment. I know I'll come through this.. and all will be okay. I am learning to try to breathe again.. to put myself forward each day. Right now, I feel a bit selfish.. and somewhat self-absorbed.. and I shouldn't be.. I have people around me that need me.. and I am trying to be there for them.. trying not to completely cut myself off.. but I sometimes feel like I'm not enough for them.. that my efforts at the moment are an assurance that I still care about my friends.. I haven't corresponded very much with anyone lately...and I'm certain that people are taking it personally. I'm sorry if that's the case.. but at the moment, they will have to deal with it.. it's all I can deliver.
Comments
Post a Comment