Under my Hat

I think a lot about how things are.. and why things are.. and why some things cannot be changed. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have an unlimited amount of questions. I can't make life be much different.. because it has taken a course... that doesn't seem to be altered.  I find myself questioning  pretty much everyone.. even if I don't verbally say it.. I think everyone has some sort of motive for doing what they do.. a reason that by their standards might fit an explanation they've come up with.. but for the most part, I think that people just look out for themselves.  I don't think many people have the capacity for actually sharing a life with another person, because sooner or later, they'll use up that person in their life and move on.  At least that's been the case with me.. many don't take very long, but some will go on as long as they can.  I hate being in someone's life if they have to have me there.. I like being in a person's l...

So after talking with the Ky IRS.. all I have to do is prove I live in Nashville.. simple.. right?   ...not so much.... I checked my W-2 form from Dell for that year.. but I had them switch it to my dad's address in Kentucky after I left because I didn't know where I was going to be. I thought next I'll check with the apartment complex where I lived down there.. but they only have records going back to 2009... so I will need to hit up the electric.. cable.. auto insurance, and DMV to get some bills.. and hopefully that will do. It means taking a day or two off work to chase all of this down.. but I'm not going to put it off until the last minute.. and it definitely is worth $2600 to get it done. Dad is still insistent on going hunting.. not sure why.. maybe he just wants to spend a little "bonding" time with me before he passes away.. I'm okay with that... but I have no desire to go shoot at rats with bushy tails.. if I were hurting for food.. then maybe...

Calgon take me away!! ..isn't that how the old commercial goes? ...maybe one of the nice men in the clean white jackets will do that instead..  no... I am kidding of course, but I seriously need something for stress relief... as I think my stress level is at an all time high.  ...no.. the stress intensity actually isn't.. but the buildup is there... I've been in far worse shape as noted in blogs a year or so ago.. it just seems that the issues go from one thing to another.. and by the time I start to adjust to something.. then something else decides to have a whack at me.  It's been going on now for the past couple of years...  The strange thing is.. it might have been before then.. but I really just didn't mind it as much.  It's funny how when we think we're in a deeply caring relationship that we lose our perspective on the crap and just wade through it all without thinking.  I was told again that I probably need to go get some medications to help me thro...

I've learned in the past 24 hours that our state government is more inept than I gave them credit for.... at least the IRS.  I lived in Tennessee the majority of the year for 2008.. and worked at Dell for half a year.. then I drew unemployment from Tennessee... only starting to work in Sept. 2008 in Kentucky and moving into the place I have now in October... so they say my Kentucky tax liability is 1500.. which is strange since I started back only making 36,000.. and only worked 3 months.. so.. about 9,000 total.. and I had 4 dependents..  Since Tennessee doesn't have state taxes.. I figured it wasn't worth the hassle for a few dollars to file my Kentucky tax.. especially since I wasn't a resident.  I'm going to contact them and probably will have to file a protest.  I'll know more today. I don't have a lot more on my mind at the moment.. as that has made me go through the gambit of emotions.. but I'll deal.. I always do.. It just seems like life keeps...

Another visit from my dad last night.. and I'm still trying to recover.  He decided that since I was a bit confrontational about him being a control freak that he would bring me a peace offering. He bought a couple of rod and reel combos "for my birthday" ...even though my birthday isn't for another month. He made mention several times on how much he paid for them.  He also bought 3 guns and is trying to get me to take one.. a 410 gauge shotgun.  I don't know what I'd even do with it.. I don't hunt... although now I have a hunting license... I've learned with dad.. the best thing to do sometimes is just to let him get it out of his system.  I am not going to let him guilt me into changing my attitude with him... it's his choice on what he does.. and mine on what I do. He knows I'm not happy here... maybe he thinks he can buy me to being happy... I know what his motives are.. he knows I'm planning on going fishing.. and since he bought me tw...

Sometimes we start a week.. and think that it might be different... even starting a day.. we think.. this day will be better than the one before.. and the one before that... it's difficult to do that when the days seem to run together. I spent the majority of my weekend playing WoW.. again.. but it still does a halfway decent job of occupying my time.. I suppose I need to try to find more productive things to do.. but I've lost a lot of the motivation to do that.  I need to be brushing up on my computer skills if I'm to look for another job.  I need to finish up some projects.. and get caught up on some things where I work now.. I just tend to think of it as a waste of time.  Still.. I'm being paid to do what I do.. even though it's not nearly enough for all the extra.. I do all the extra for myself.. because that's my standards.  I think enough cannot be said for the standards we all have.  So many times in life.. we lower our standards.. and settle for what we...

I slept better last night.. I don't know why I tend to be concerned about things.. it's like I think I have some control over what happens or something.. in all actuality, I have very little control.. and trying to make something happen.. just screws up your head.. and causes problems in the long run.. so I'm good with just being here.. doing what I have to do.. for as long as I have to do it.. and then working on my situation.. but for now.. all I can do is wait..  Yes.. sometimes I get tired of waiting.. of being a spectator to my own life.. but why fret over it...  I hope that I can get through each day.. and try to enjoy what happens on a day to day basis... I know I have severe trust issues.. and it's not only people.. it's life in general.. I seem to always be expecting the worst.. I'm always braced for the next impact... and as a rule.. life doesn't let me down.. but sends another shock.. frying what little composure I'm able to muster.  I always ...

I got some exercise yesterday.. and I feel a little more energetic.. I think that is really all I need.. some activity.. it's just difficult to do that when everything is so far away.. of course that's just an excuse.. I could always come up with something to do.  I enjoy a bit of physical activity now and then.. but it would be nice to have someone to talk with.. or just hang out with and be able to do that... I have a guy I work with talk about going fishing.. and yes.. I'm still hung up on that fishing issue.. my dad says that he couldn't find my fishing gear at his house.. so I'm going to have to go look for myself.. I told him where it was.. but evidently someone has moved it.  I will check it out soon.  I am thinking of adjusting my eating (or non-eating) habits.... I want to develop a lifestyle of eating that I can live with.  I don't think it'll be too hard.. I just have to be self-conscious about everything I put into my body.. until it just becomes...

I've had just a little trouble trying to sleep lately.. and I don't know why.  Maybe it's my diet?  I am not to my goal.... but I don't want to cause and irreparable harm to my body.  I don't notice anything drastic in the way I am... but I should be able to lose the rest by eating more cautiously... I am toying with the idea of starting back to eating... at least a little bit. I had a conversation about how my outlook on things has changed so much in the past few years... I was, at one time, a very passionate person.. very strong minded... and extremely responsive.. but a lot has changed in my life to make that person go away... I don't even miss it anymore.. We all tend to do what we must to adjust to the curves that life throws us.. I can't even say I don't miss it at all.. actually I rarely miss it.. so it might be buried deep inside of me.. the fact remains that I will never trust anyone again enough to actually let that person out.  I am certain ...

I like not holding myself accountable to having to do anything or be anywhere.. I woke up Saturday and just went.. and it felt nice.. next time, I might just go away for a bit.. the weekend anyway.. it's very little cost to stay overnight at a motel somewhere.. but I know I'll need to be back in time for work.. I still have that frame of mind.  I am supposed to be working on a mid-year self-evaluation. I think they will try to shaft me as they did the last time.. but I think most of us there are close to the breaking point.  I will live up to the eval I get.. I know I deserve an outstanding.. it's what I do.. I always try to put myself into almost everything.. business and personal.. though I don't really understand what happened during my marriage.. to be honest.. I don't even know when things began to shut down.  I don't ever remember it being much different.. I mean.. at first.. we seemed happy.. but all along, we never made that connection.. I think that bot...

I'm back on my diet.. not much harm done evidently.. just one meal where I pigged out a bit.. well.. I didn't really pig out.. I just ate more than I should have.. but things are back to normal with me not eating again.. My daughter saw me today without my shirt on and asked me why I'm growing muscles on my stomach.. this is my youngest.. so I thought that was a compliment.. and took it as such... I just weighed myself to see where I'm at.. still 180... so I have 20 more pounds to go... and then I'll work on a balanced diet.. I actually feel a little better, although I'm not quite sure why.. life sucks as much now as it ever did.. but I'm okay with it.  I suppose I'm just adjusting to the way things are.  I have been playing world of warcraft most of the weekend, although I did get out for awhile yesterday.. I got a haircut.. and delivered a computer I was working on for a former co-worker.. Maybe it's the nice weather we had that lightened my mood. ...

I told my students yesterday that I would celebrate by eating with them if all 4 of them passed their test... so I ended up eating... I ate pretty healthy stuff.. until I left town.. then I passed a Krispy Kreme with a "hot doughnuts" sign in the window.... and the rest was history..  I am glad they passed.. but I shouldn't have eaten.. I have been in a rotten mood since.. and I'm not exactly sure why.  I didn't enjoy the food.. although I suppose it was good food.  I didn't like driving in the rain on the way back.. and I didn't even like the thought of going back to the center or home.  Like I said.. I just feel cranky about everything..  I watched a show last night to see a main character that I didn't like.. die...and that didn't happen.. put me in a more irritated mood.  I really don't know why I feel this way.  To be honest.. I feel like maybe I'm being counted on.. and I don't want anyone to count on me... for anything. I am liki...

It seems as though life is pretty hectic for many people at the moment... the one person who does more work on the center than I do turned in her resignation yesterday. There is no way the center will be able to recover from that.  Even if they did decide to keep our center open for just a little while longer by some miracle... there is going to be a year or so of transition where our numbers will be horrible. On top of that.. it seems as though the attitude of staff and students alike is going down the crapper.  I am hesitant to see what things are going to unfold as our center becomes inundated with people who are just going through the motions to draw a paycheck... and students who just have no other place to go or nothing better to do at the moment.  I really do believe in the program.. and would love to see it succeed.... but just a handful of people cannot change the way things are there.. I am getting the fishing bug.. I want to get out in the nice weather ...

More and more I'm feeling the calling for the need to go fishing.. I may have to pick up my rod and reels very soon.. just to get them prepped for fishing.. I guess I can put up with my dad for just a little while. He wants to get a gun.. and actually asked my advice... something about home protection.. I don't know why he would ever need it, personally.. knowing where he is.. but we are in Kentucky.. probably the second or third most percentage of gun owners... behind Texas and Montana... I'll have to look that up because I'm curious now. We had 4 people out in our department yesterday.. no telling how many today.. but it's not my issue... not as long as our illustrious leader shows up... I suppose we shall see. 3 weeks and counting.. I'm pretty sure we'll hear something about our center by then... one thing is for certain.. if they don't shut it down.. it will be a difficult place to work since anyone will be able to get away with doing just about an...

I saved someone's life yesterday... literally.. she was choking on a peanut of all things.. was in her office and there were 3 of us.. at first.. she was coughing.. and I thought that would be enough.. so I told our coworker to stay back.. and let her try to cough it out.. you're supposed to do that... because that means they are still getting air.. then about 2 minutes later, she started gasping for breath.. so I ran over.. bent her over and popped her in the center of the back a couple of times.. but that didn't work.. so I hugged her from behind and performed the Heimlich maneuver.... worked just like it was supposed to.  Truth be told.. she might have been okay.. who knows.. I'm just glad I was able to help. She is one of the few people at the center that have nearly the same level of work ethic as myself... and she's really a great person.. so I'm glad she's okay. I have had my CPR and first aid certs for 12 years now... I just hope I don't have to ...

Another Monday...  didn't accomplish much of anything this weekend..  I seem to get more and more frustrated with playing my World of Warcraft game.. they've crossed all the realms.. and now everyone has to compete with "umpteen" million more people for items in a quest.. sure the respawn rate is much quicker.. but still not enough to make the game somewhat more frustrating to play.. and my whole idea behind playing is to unwind.. and escape the frustrations of life.. I don't need to have them piled on me there too.. luckily I can turn off the game.. most of the time.. when I get frustrated.  If it keeps going the way it is though.. I can see me not spending nearly as much time doing that. I keep talking about fishing.. and it seems more and more appealing.. just me.. sitting on a riverbank in the shade.. relaxing.. waiting to see if the fish are going to bite.. and not really caring a whole lot if they don't.  I almost went to my Dad's house to pick up ...

I ran across this one... and it just struck a nerve.. I can't pretend that I had feelings.. and then all of a sudden I don't.. but no matter what I feel.. or felt.. I can't invite things into my life that will tear me down.. I always keep a wall up.. and that wall will always be there....  it is higher.. and thicker than ever before.. and as time goes on.. it just grows stronger. It protects me.. and makes me feel safe.  I can only be what I am.. and can only do what I need to survive...  Those moments in my life are over.. and I don't have to worry about going through any of it again.  I'm living for me.

I had this wonderful idea that last night I would turn in early.. get plenty of sleep.. then be well rested through the rest of the week.. I was laying there in bed.. and remembered.. I had a "Relay For Life" bake sale today that I had completely forgotten about.. at first.... I thought.. I'll just say I forgot.. but then I remembered that there will be several people out today.. and on top of that.. most people have just given up giving any effort for much.. so I drug myself out of bed.. and spent a couple of hours in the kitchen baking.. we always keep several packages of cookie, brownie.. and cake mix.. so I made sugar cookies.. chocolate chip cookies.. brownies.. cinnamon crumb cupcakes.. I have a pretty good portion... once I got started.. I just didn't seem to want to stop... and because of the cancer affiliations of the sale... I felt a need to support it.. maybe I went a bit overboard... but I'm sorta paying for it this morning.  So.. last night.. the nigh...

I just found that I didn't publish this yesterday morning.. so I clicked on it and published it.. a day late. I wonder sometimes if I might be bi-polar.. not severely of course.. but there are times when I feel like I have so much pressure on me to do things.. and I'm very concerned about getting things done.. and then all of a sudden, I don't really worry about it anymore.  I like not being all that concerned about things.  It's a much calmer environment for me.. I'm still going to do what I want to do.. for the most part anyway.  I guess I'm just hard-headed that way.  I have become complacent for dealing with the crap for a little while longer.. I suppose it's easier to deal with.. knowing there is an end coming... and every day I work.. just makes me more aware that there is definitely going to be a closing of the center.. even if they haven't announced it yet.  Most people there are incompetent at their jobs.. or maybe they're just lazy.  I a...

Do you ever wonder what's going to happen during the day?  ...it's just like when you wake up.. you just suspect that something is going to take you off guard.. but you're not quite sure what.  well.. I'm pretty much prepared for most things now.. but I'm still not sure what it is I'm feeling.  I think that sometimes I miss a little drama in my life.. but I'm not in really any shape to handle a whole lot anyway.  I suppose things could always be worse.. in fact, I know they could be.  I sorta feel like my life is sinking back into a rut again.. and right now.. there's not much I can do to change it.  just... something.. anything different would be nice about now.  I'm not going to go changing my outlook.. that will never happen.. and that certain.. but I would love to be able to just go.. get away.. do something actively fun.. I don't even know what that would be at this point.. just to have the ability not to be concerned about when I have to ge...

I don't know why.. but I feel somewhat self-destructive.. I'm not going to do anything too stupid.. but I have an idea.. I haven't eaten anything since Friday morning.. I've had no appetite. I wonder how long it would be before I start feeling the need to eat.  I have a little body fat on me that should last for awhile longer.  I am keeping myself hydrated by fluids.. and I am taking some vitamins... and a few calories in my fluids to help absorb those vitamins.  I am not even having a bit  of a problem yet. My dad wanted to get me to eat yesterday.. but I just told him that I'm not hungry.. and truth be told.. I really am actually not hungry. It's sort of a surprise... because I figured any time you go 3 days without any food.. you should be hungry... In third world countries... people go a long period without eating. I'm not going to push it too far, but I really am curious to see what it feels like to actually be.. hungry. I'm not weak in the slightes...