Struggle Against The Crap

Do you ever wonder what's going to happen during the day?  ...it's just like when you wake up.. you just suspect that something is going to take you off guard.. but you're not quite sure what.  well.. I'm pretty much prepared for most things now.. but I'm still not sure what it is I'm feeling.  I think that sometimes I miss a little drama in my life.. but I'm not in really any shape to handle a whole lot anyway.  I suppose things could always be worse.. in fact, I know they could be.  I sorta feel like my life is sinking back into a rut again.. and right now.. there's not much I can do to change it.  just... something.. anything different would be nice about now.  I'm not going to go changing my outlook.. that will never happen.. and that certain.. but I would love to be able to just go.. get away.. do something actively fun.. I don't even know what that would be at this point.. just to have the ability not to be concerned about when I have to get back.. or even if I have to get back at all.. but I need to remain responsible.. I need to focus on what tasks have been laid before me.. if for no other reason.. to maintain a sense of stability.  I like some stability in my life.. even though it doesn't seem very stable at all for the most part... I also like to explore new things.. and that part of me has been almost extinguished.. I like crowds.. I like just a bit of social interaction... a party.. shopping.. something.. I don't know.. it just seems like my life is passing by.. and I'm not taking any advantage of it.  I will have to sort some of this out and try to figure out how to deal.. I am in a better mood though.. I think it will continue.. as long as I can keep myself from feeling like I'm being bitch-smacked by Fate on a continual basis.  I just focus on how things can be worse.. and how some people have it much worse off than I do.  ...so what if I made some stupid choices?  ...so what if I don't have anyone close to support me? ...I am doing okay as I am.. and I will continue to struggle against the crap..

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