That's The Way I'll Live.

I told my students yesterday that I would celebrate by eating with them if all 4 of them passed their test... so I ended up eating... I ate pretty healthy stuff.. until I left town.. then I passed a Krispy Kreme with a "hot doughnuts" sign in the window.... and the rest was history..  I am glad they passed.. but I shouldn't have eaten.. I have been in a rotten mood since.. and I'm not exactly sure why.  I didn't enjoy the food.. although I suppose it was good food.  I didn't like driving in the rain on the way back.. and I didn't even like the thought of going back to the center or home.  Like I said.. I just feel cranky about everything..  I watched a show last night to see a main character that I didn't like.. die...and that didn't happen.. put me in a more irritated mood.  I really don't know why I feel this way.  To be honest.. I feel like maybe I'm being counted on.. and I don't want anyone to count on me... for anything. I am liking the few moments of solitude before bed.. when the day is done.. and I can just lay there... and do nothing.. and get away with it.  I feel like everyone expects something from me... and I am just tired.  I don't know how long I'm going to feel like this.. but maybe it's part of the reason why I feel so cranky.. I don't think it really has anything to do with my food intake. I just need to work off some of my frustrations at life.. just run.. or do something constructive.. my game just isn't cutting it in that aspect anymore... it just leads to more frustrations.. which I do not need now.. I've just gotten to the point that I don't care if I meet up to anyone else's expectations.. I feel myself getting more and more selfish daily.. just trying to make it through another day.  I don't care really how I come across to most people.. I don't see anything I do making much of a difference anymore.  Yesterday was a plus.. because evidently I've done something positive.. or at least helped to be a part of something positive for 4 individuals who are trying to be computer technicians.. I am afraid the center is going to screw them over too just for the sake of numbers...  when did the planet get so selfish... everyone says or does things that just benefit themselves.. and don't regard any other person... I feel like I've been heading that way for a long time now.. and I am not sure I like that.. but sometimes we have to adjust to survive...

I one time said that people don't change.. well.. I might have been wrong about that.. I think we are all shaped by our experiences and encounters.. those that we interact with may make us think in a completely different manner.  I was very optimistic about things at one time.. even with all the shit in my personal life.. because I thought there was something out there that I might experience.. or be a part of that was better.. and during periods of my life I felt as though I was at an apex.. but the problem is I expected that to last.. and life is not ever going to be real.. and be that good.  I don't want the lie ever again.. I would prefer to deal with reality and get myself set for the way things are.. not the way I would like them to be. That might be part of the reason why I am so direct lately.. I don't want to ever be misconstrued in what I say or what my actions are.. I need nothing nor no one.. I've learned that and that's the way I'll live.

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