It Doesn't Change What Is.

I think a lot about how things are.. and why things are.. and why some things cannot be changed. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have an unlimited amount of questions. I can't make life be much different.. because it has taken a course... that doesn't seem to be altered.  I find myself questioning  pretty much everyone.. even if I don't verbally say it.. I think everyone has some sort of motive for doing what they do.. a reason that by their standards might fit an explanation they've come up with.. but for the most part, I think that people just look out for themselves.  I don't think many people have the capacity for actually sharing a life with another person, because sooner or later, they'll use up that person in their life and move on.  At least that's been the case with me.. many don't take very long, but some will go on as long as they can.  I hate being in someone's life if they have to have me there.. I like being in a person's life because they don't have to have me there.. but want me.. The problem is that most people can't actually function on their own.. even if they won't admit it.  My spouse... for example.. probably thinks she doesn't want me to go.. because she's scared to do things on her own.. there are several people I know that are afraid to stand on their own two feet... they haven't developed the ability to live life for themselves.. and not be afraid of the consequences.. I remember the first time I drove to a large, strange city... Nashville.. that was ages ago.. and I felt like I was going to be overwhelmed.. but I was determined to do it.. to be independent.. and everything was okay.. I still remember trying to get lost... because I had a map with me.. and a whole week during spring break to find my way back.. Most people are secure in being in familiar surroundings.. but I actually like new things.. I found that out then... like the first time I flew.. or just drove on a trip.. to get away.. nothing holding me back.. it wasn't like I was going to die or anything.. I lived through the experience and became stronger....   When I started teaching.. I thought I would probably throw up.. as I have always been terrified in front of groups.. my head swims and my body feels like it is swaying.. but I realized.. that the worst thing that could happen... is well.. I don't know.. but it wouldn't be permanent.  I remember in 1st grade during a Christmas choir concert at school.. I threw up all the way out of the gym...  I don't know why I ever let things bother me..   it's like this upcoming divorce.. I don't want to hurt anyone.. but I will hurt them more by staying where I am.. I need to face what actually is.. and deal with it.. instead of pushing it inside and letting it grow..  I think maybe it's unhealthy. It weighs heavily on me.

The past is something that is always with us.. we can't pretend things never happened.. because it's part of what shapes us into who we are.   We wish sometimes that things could be different.. but they're not.. they are the way they are.. and we become the way we are..   I look at almost everyone and believe that they may not be being exactly truthful with me.. and I have nothing to base it on.. I even think characters of tv shows and movies are lying.. I have lost the ability to trust much at all.. because I don't think people know themselves a lot of time what the truth is..  I've been tricked in the past.. because people weren't self-aware..  I myself have let myself believe in things..because I wanted them to be true.. but.. it doesn't change what is.