I Will Be Completely Truthful
I just found that I didn't publish this yesterday morning.. so I clicked on it and published it.. a day late.
I wonder sometimes if I might be bi-polar.. not severely of course.. but there are times when I feel like I have so much pressure on me to do things.. and I'm very concerned about getting things done.. and then all of a sudden, I don't really worry about it anymore. I like not being all that concerned about things. It's a much calmer environment for me.. I'm still going to do what I want to do.. for the most part anyway. I guess I'm just hard-headed that way. I have become complacent for dealing with the crap for a little while longer.. I suppose it's easier to deal with.. knowing there is an end coming... and every day I work.. just makes me more aware that there is definitely going to be a closing of the center.. even if they haven't announced it yet. Most people there are incompetent at their jobs.. or maybe they're just lazy. I am not certain which it is.. but a lot of things are not getting done.. and it's due to lack of accountability... staff and students. Life is sort of like that.. not much accountability for doing stupid things to others... but in the end eventually there is a result to our actions.. even if it takes awhile for us to figure that out. I try not to say... or do things that I am not willing to follow through with.. although I know, all too well, that isn't the norm.. especially online. Most people don't care what they say.. or what their actions are. They are just too busy living from moment to moment and doing what gets them through the day. I've become a little like that.. but I try not to mislead or involve anyone unknowingly in my daily life. I will maintain who I am.. and what I am.. for anyone that wants to be even a visitor into my little world for any length of time. I know my life seems somewhat confusing at times.. but I try to keep it full of honesty... no matter who or what it does to people in it... again the only exception is my spouse and daughters... and by dishonest.. it's an omission of the truth... although they should be able to figure it out soon enough...that's enough to be a thorn in my existence.. but I still look forward to not having to worry about that anymore. I dreamed that I "fessed up" to my spouse about all my cheating.. and she was really hurt.. but it was the push that she needed to let go and try to find a job on her own.. I think when it comes down to it.. I will eventually tell her that I have cheated on her.. but I am waiting until I don't have to be here as a reminder every day.... and yes.. I admit it was cheating.. no matter how I want to decorate it all up with justifications and make it look like it was necessary. I do have a little problem with myself and that deception.. but I will do it anyway.. I don't regret much of what I've done.. although, given the chance again.. I'd probably trust my gut in the first place.. and realize that most people online just can't be honest.. of course that's where I'm at right now.. I wouldn't believe anyone online that said they loved me.. it doesn't matter how close I let them.. I've already been shown that can always be misinterpreted.. and I'm not wanting to ever travel that road again. Sometimes I want to harden my heart and just let everyone in the world go take a flying leap.. but I really don't see that happening.. I will continue to be who I am.. and what I've become.. Sure... I might hurt people along the way.. but once I can get through this limbo I'm in.. I will be completely truthful.
I wonder sometimes if I might be bi-polar.. not severely of course.. but there are times when I feel like I have so much pressure on me to do things.. and I'm very concerned about getting things done.. and then all of a sudden, I don't really worry about it anymore. I like not being all that concerned about things. It's a much calmer environment for me.. I'm still going to do what I want to do.. for the most part anyway. I guess I'm just hard-headed that way. I have become complacent for dealing with the crap for a little while longer.. I suppose it's easier to deal with.. knowing there is an end coming... and every day I work.. just makes me more aware that there is definitely going to be a closing of the center.. even if they haven't announced it yet. Most people there are incompetent at their jobs.. or maybe they're just lazy. I am not certain which it is.. but a lot of things are not getting done.. and it's due to lack of accountability... staff and students. Life is sort of like that.. not much accountability for doing stupid things to others... but in the end eventually there is a result to our actions.. even if it takes awhile for us to figure that out. I try not to say... or do things that I am not willing to follow through with.. although I know, all too well, that isn't the norm.. especially online. Most people don't care what they say.. or what their actions are. They are just too busy living from moment to moment and doing what gets them through the day. I've become a little like that.. but I try not to mislead or involve anyone unknowingly in my daily life. I will maintain who I am.. and what I am.. for anyone that wants to be even a visitor into my little world for any length of time. I know my life seems somewhat confusing at times.. but I try to keep it full of honesty... no matter who or what it does to people in it... again the only exception is my spouse and daughters... and by dishonest.. it's an omission of the truth... although they should be able to figure it out soon enough...that's enough to be a thorn in my existence.. but I still look forward to not having to worry about that anymore. I dreamed that I "fessed up" to my spouse about all my cheating.. and she was really hurt.. but it was the push that she needed to let go and try to find a job on her own.. I think when it comes down to it.. I will eventually tell her that I have cheated on her.. but I am waiting until I don't have to be here as a reminder every day.... and yes.. I admit it was cheating.. no matter how I want to decorate it all up with justifications and make it look like it was necessary. I do have a little problem with myself and that deception.. but I will do it anyway.. I don't regret much of what I've done.. although, given the chance again.. I'd probably trust my gut in the first place.. and realize that most people online just can't be honest.. of course that's where I'm at right now.. I wouldn't believe anyone online that said they loved me.. it doesn't matter how close I let them.. I've already been shown that can always be misinterpreted.. and I'm not wanting to ever travel that road again. Sometimes I want to harden my heart and just let everyone in the world go take a flying leap.. but I really don't see that happening.. I will continue to be who I am.. and what I've become.. Sure... I might hurt people along the way.. but once I can get through this limbo I'm in.. I will be completely truthful.
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