It's Just Not There.

I like not holding myself accountable to having to do anything or be anywhere.. I woke up Saturday and just went.. and it felt nice.. next time, I might just go away for a bit.. the weekend anyway.. it's very little cost to stay overnight at a motel somewhere.. but I know I'll need to be back in time for work.. I still have that frame of mind.  I am supposed to be working on a mid-year self-evaluation. I think they will try to shaft me as they did the last time.. but I think most of us there are close to the breaking point.  I will live up to the eval I get.. I know I deserve an outstanding.. it's what I do.. I always try to put myself into almost everything.. business and personal.. though I don't really understand what happened during my marriage.. to be honest.. I don't even know when things began to shut down.  I don't ever remember it being much different.. I mean.. at first.. we seemed happy.. but all along, we never made that connection.. I think that both of us were too in love with the idea of being in love.. People shouldn't do that.. love should not be being able to live with someone.. it's not being able to live without them... I actually know that feeling.. I can pretend as much as I want that I am doing great.. but to be honest... I'll don't know if I'll ever be great.. I can just deal and go on.. and things will be okay..   I am not going to try to fill the hole. I just work around it.. I know many people can't understand that.. and if you can't.. then I can't explain it to you.. it's like trying to explain seeing to a person that's been blind since birth.  I wake up each day and I go through the motions.. I try to interact and go on like I should be doing.. but it really doesn't matter what I say or do.. I am sort of stuck in limbo..  it's been said that once I get out of this house.. I'll be able to move on with my life.. and yes.. to an extent that is true.. but I know I won't let myself get hurt again.. I am not able to even imagine letting myself go completely and trusting anyone that much.. I have people in my life that have stuck with me for a long time.. and I have no reason not to trust them.. but I still can't.. not completely.. because I've lost that part of me.. I don't care how frustrating it is for them.. because it's even more frustrating for me.. but if it's not there.. it's just not there.

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