All Adjusted Out.
I don't know why.. but I feel somewhat self-destructive.. I'm not going to do anything too stupid.. but I have an idea.. I haven't eaten anything since Friday morning.. I've had no appetite. I wonder how long it would be before I start feeling the need to eat. I have a little body fat on me that should last for awhile longer. I am keeping myself hydrated by fluids.. and I am taking some vitamins... and a few calories in my fluids to help absorb those vitamins. I am not even having a bit of a problem yet. My dad wanted to get me to eat yesterday.. but I just told him that I'm not hungry.. and truth be told.. I really am actually not hungry. It's sort of a surprise... because I figured any time you go 3 days without any food.. you should be hungry... In third world countries... people go a long period without eating. I'm not going to push it too far, but I really am curious to see what it feels like to actually be.. hungry. I'm not weak in the slightest.. and my mood seems to be lightening a little... so we shall see.
Yesterday did seem a bit lonesome without my mom... I was in a house full of people and didn't really get noticed all that much.. so it wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be.. I got to disappear for a little while. I keep thinking I'm going to look at my statcounter and see who all has visited.. but I'm not really wanting to do that either.. I mean.. why should I care who is looking at my blog. There is no need to know, really. I do sometimes miss things about my past.. but I can't bring it back.. nor would I want to. I take satisfaction in knowing that almost everything I've been.. was actually me.. and even though the possibilities existed for something far greater at one time.. it just wasn't meant to be....and I can live with that. I have few people in my life that I feel are interactive... most are just responsive.. even my daughters are somewhat like that.. my youngest is still being interactive with me.. but my oldest has become a teenager.. and stays to herself.. only responding when I make an effort to initiate conversation or interaction... much like my spouse has always been. Unfortunately, my dad is the most interactive person in my life.. but unfortunately, he has taken it to an extreme.. and it's just responses is all he seeks. I still have my BFF... that engages me in conversation.. and keeps me somewhat actively participating.. even if it just a bit of conversation... it does go back and forth.. and isn't always me initiating the conversation. I appreciate that.. even if I have no amorous feelings there... it's nice to think someone might actually give a crap. I actually went as far as meeting her... just to see... but I can't make something exist that doesn't.. so she will have to accept me for who I am.. I hope she is able to find what she seeks in the way of romance.. but she will have to work that out for herself.. all I can do is be here to support her.... as a good friend should.
Other than that... I really don't have much going on now... still in limbo at work.. still playing my game at home.. looking for an end to the floating through life... but I suppose I have to make my own purpose. I might sound a bit depressed.. and maybe I have been a little bit.. but it's just the pressure of everything pushing on me.. it seems as though there is nowhere in my life that isn't requiring expectations of me.. and I'm just wanting to exist for awhile. I can't be actively trying to proceed in a life that I really don't want to be a part of... I want my life to be different.. and I am frustrated with myself for not being able to take steps at the moment to make that happen. Sure.. I could quit my job.. walk out of where i live.. and do something else... but I have to have some sense about it all. After all, it's when we act.. or react rashly or impulsively when we make mistakes that we have to live with and adjust to... and I really don't want to have to do any more adjusting right now... I am pretty much all adjusted out.
Yesterday did seem a bit lonesome without my mom... I was in a house full of people and didn't really get noticed all that much.. so it wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be.. I got to disappear for a little while. I keep thinking I'm going to look at my statcounter and see who all has visited.. but I'm not really wanting to do that either.. I mean.. why should I care who is looking at my blog. There is no need to know, really. I do sometimes miss things about my past.. but I can't bring it back.. nor would I want to. I take satisfaction in knowing that almost everything I've been.. was actually me.. and even though the possibilities existed for something far greater at one time.. it just wasn't meant to be....and I can live with that. I have few people in my life that I feel are interactive... most are just responsive.. even my daughters are somewhat like that.. my youngest is still being interactive with me.. but my oldest has become a teenager.. and stays to herself.. only responding when I make an effort to initiate conversation or interaction... much like my spouse has always been. Unfortunately, my dad is the most interactive person in my life.. but unfortunately, he has taken it to an extreme.. and it's just responses is all he seeks. I still have my BFF... that engages me in conversation.. and keeps me somewhat actively participating.. even if it just a bit of conversation... it does go back and forth.. and isn't always me initiating the conversation. I appreciate that.. even if I have no amorous feelings there... it's nice to think someone might actually give a crap. I actually went as far as meeting her... just to see... but I can't make something exist that doesn't.. so she will have to accept me for who I am.. I hope she is able to find what she seeks in the way of romance.. but she will have to work that out for herself.. all I can do is be here to support her.... as a good friend should.
Other than that... I really don't have much going on now... still in limbo at work.. still playing my game at home.. looking for an end to the floating through life... but I suppose I have to make my own purpose. I might sound a bit depressed.. and maybe I have been a little bit.. but it's just the pressure of everything pushing on me.. it seems as though there is nowhere in my life that isn't requiring expectations of me.. and I'm just wanting to exist for awhile. I can't be actively trying to proceed in a life that I really don't want to be a part of... I want my life to be different.. and I am frustrated with myself for not being able to take steps at the moment to make that happen. Sure.. I could quit my job.. walk out of where i live.. and do something else... but I have to have some sense about it all. After all, it's when we act.. or react rashly or impulsively when we make mistakes that we have to live with and adjust to... and I really don't want to have to do any more adjusting right now... I am pretty much all adjusted out.
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