It's All On Me.

I had this wonderful idea that last night I would turn in early.. get plenty of sleep.. then be well rested through the rest of the week.. I was laying there in bed.. and remembered.. I had a "Relay For Life" bake sale today that I had completely forgotten about.. at first.... I thought.. I'll just say I forgot.. but then I remembered that there will be several people out today.. and on top of that.. most people have just given up giving any effort for much.. so I drug myself out of bed.. and spent a couple of hours in the kitchen baking.. we always keep several packages of cookie, brownie.. and cake mix.. so I made sugar cookies.. chocolate chip cookies.. brownies.. cinnamon crumb cupcakes.. I have a pretty good portion... once I got started.. I just didn't seem to want to stop... and because of the cancer affiliations of the sale... I felt a need to support it.. maybe I went a bit overboard... but I'm sorta paying for it this morning.  So.. last night.. the night I decided I was going to do things I wanted to do...instead of things I felt like I was obligated to do... ended up being a catch up night... for things I needed to do. Well.. at least I was productive.  I can't seem to really catch up on anything.. but it isn't for a lack of trying. I  have stuff at work I need to just get through also.. especially if they end up closing.. or it will put me under a severe strain to get it all caught up.

I am still not eating.. I get remarks about how it is destructive.. but I really don't care.. it's something I have control over.. and maybe it's not healthy.. but I need to feel in charge of something in my life... to just a certain extent, anyway... I have maintained that I won't let my weight go under 155.. and I will keep that.. I've even put it here in writing.. so there is evidence.. I found it amazing last night while baking.. that the entire time of getting dough all over my hands.. or pulling up baked goods from the pan... that I wasn't even tempted to eat anything.. it's like I'm starting to adjust.. besides.. I have a tendency to splurge a bit when it comes to eating.. like it's a comfort or something.. so my stomach is used to getting large amounts at one time.  I'm going to try to slowly adjust to more sensible portions once I get to where I want to be... I know that most people are skeptical.. doesn't matter.. I have to prove to myself that I can do this... and if I screw up.. well.. then it's all on me.

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