I Know I Won't.

Sometimes we start a week.. and think that it might be different... even starting a day.. we think.. this day will be better than the one before.. and the one before that... it's difficult to do that when the days seem to run together. I spent the majority of my weekend playing WoW.. again.. but it still does a halfway decent job of occupying my time.. I suppose I need to try to find more productive things to do.. but I've lost a lot of the motivation to do that.  I need to be brushing up on my computer skills if I'm to look for another job.  I need to finish up some projects.. and get caught up on some things where I work now.. I just tend to think of it as a waste of time.  Still.. I'm being paid to do what I do.. even though it's not nearly enough for all the extra.. I do all the extra for myself.. because that's my standards.  I think enough cannot be said for the standards we all have.  So many times in life.. we lower our standards.. and settle for what we get.  That's one of the reasons I married.. again.. don't get me wrong.. my spouse is a good person.. I won't say anything negative in that respect.. she was just never able to talk openly to me.. to get her point across.  It's almost like she has the mentality that she isn't good enough.. I tried to help her through her lack of confidence in doing things.. but there is only so much you can do.. and to be honest.. I am tired of making decisions for her.  I always thought that in a relationship.. it was an equal partnership.. but it's never been that way in our marriage... I'm kinda thinking that my spouse would be a perfect partner for a dom... but that's not me.. I can play the role on occasion.. but I hate being responsible for almost everything.  I try to stay out of domestic issues.. because she seems more confident in making decisions on that front... but soon she'll have to take over running a household.  I will try to provide support... especially at first.. and I will always take care of my daughters.... but I tend to think it hasn't sunk in to her that I'm actually leaving.  I can't confront her about it too much yet.. as I can't quite move out.. but it gets harder and harder to live like this.. I want to be in an environment where I can just go out and do something.. and not have to feel like I need to be back at a certain time... if I have a long weekend.. I can just go.. it's not that difficult...

I think that most everyone lets themselves be caught in certain situations.. and almost all of us tend to balk at the idea of being made to do anything.  We all like to have a choice.. I am here.. because I have to be.. at least for the moment.. sure.. I still have a choice.. but the consequences right now suck donkey balls... I will muddle my way through another couple of months.. and hope that decisions are made where I work that will allow my transition to be a bit easier.... but if it isn't.. I'll just have to make myself take the plunge.. and walk away...  She knows its coming.. she just refuses to acknowledge it.. she thinks I might change my mind.. I know I won't..