Under my Hat

I've had it with needles. It seems as though I'm never going to be done with this. I went to the doctor's office yesterday... typical followup... no issues at all right?  Of course not. ...so I go back into the exam room.. and I'm about to get the most action since sometime last year... I cannot believe I'm gonna pay someone to touch my penis... well... first off.. it's a he... which I know I pretend to bat for the other team on occasion, but I would much prefer to take my pants off in front of someone of a more feminine persuasion. Secondly, the environment isn't really all that conducive to that of an intimate nature.... not unless I'm playing doctors and nurses... and thirdly.. the involvement of my private parts really doesn't constitute much in the way of achieving any kind of release or sexual satisfaction.   So anyway, I am there with my trousers dropped having this 40-somethingish man with a magnifying lens... kneeling in front of me.. I me...

Okay... so 3 days have passed since I made the decision about moving back to the sites.. and yes.. I said I would never be there again.. but in evaluating my position I realize that I will have no social interaction in real life due to the situation I am in.. and my mind is starved for any type of social environment... still it's not enough.. but it seems to help some. I think people are meant to be social.. even if they won't let themselves trust in others.  I don't interact one-on-one with anyone on these sites, because I refuse to be sucked into it.. but posting my thoughts in a forum seems to give me a different type of mental release.. one that I don't seem to be able to get here.  Who knows.. I might not be there but a short time...but I won't let anyone tell me what I should or should not do.. yes.. I know I've said the sites are poison.. and I am well aware of what might happen.. but whether I get poisoned in my mind or not.. it doesn't matter.. my ...

Life sometimes seems so surreal.. I mean.. I get up.. and wander around the house for a few minutes of the morning.. everyone is still asleep.. and while my hot bath water is running.. I pop online for a bit.. then I usually just sit here and try to keep myself busy.. A lot of times, that is when I elect to blog.  thoughts about life and the way things are just seem to permeate my mind. I have lots of plans and lots of hopes.. but sometimes I think maybe it's best to just give little thought to those things, as it sets myself up for disappointment and heartache.  I think that people still get hurt when I say or do certain things.. but most everyone doesn't seem to listen to me at times... or they think I am just talking out of my ass. I really don't know what the case is... but I won't make excuses for who I am or the way I feel.  I don't always do the most logical things... but I refuse to live my life for anyone else.  I honestly don't believe anymore in the ...

Our center review hasn't gone as well as our acting director might think.. well.. duh...  we're still open.. this month anyway.. so it must have went better than I thought it would. We will know more about it in the next few weeks... but I know there are some serious problems already.  There are many conflicts between the employees... and even more among the managers.  we have a lower grade employee that has somehow taken control of the center.. and is trying to enact plans to make the center happen the way she wants it.  We have no leadership because he is letting her. One of the managers and this employee got into a screaming match with each other in front of the acting CD.... and he just sat there and watched it.. even after the manager asked him if he was going to do something.  Let's just say... I am getting more and more confident in the eventual closing of our center.. if not in the near future... then it still won't be long.  So it looks like I'll ...

I'm really not feeling it.. life.. whatever... I just want to go back to bed and go to sleep. The IT guy is out this week, so I get to do his job and my job both. I went the extra mile and did a couple of duties I did when I was helping out the manager.. but got a bit of a reprimand for it.. so watch and see if I do anything to help her out without being asked.. as a matter of fact.. I feel like I'm done with anything extra. I'll do what I'm supposed to do.. but even in life outside of work, I don't see the point. I'm back to just existing again.... only because I really can't do anything but that. I'm ready to just chuck everything and live for the day... not putting any concern into my future. I am not guaranteed one of those anyway... so what if I am afraid of doing things because it might ruin my future. I shouldn't be... I can be a certain way... and live a certain life.. and miss out on grabbing the gusto.. just because I'm worried about t...

So... I logged in. I find that I really don't know why I did... and it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it might be.. but I'm not answering to anyone or anything.. does that mean I am not going to follow the rules?  No.. I will follow the basic ideas of not provoking or antagonizing anyone on purpose... but I also am not going to take any crap. I really don't care if I get banned... but I'm not actively seeking it.  I suppose that my blog only takes me so far.. and I look for the online posting to fill in the gaps.  I will get my say so... and the first time I'm moderated... they'll catch 7 different kinds of hell... and will have to follow me around moderating me.. until they finally will have to ban me. Still.. I've learned that attitudes can change... and where I still feel the online world is full of bullshit. I'm going to add to the mountain of fertilizer that already exists.... just because I want to.

I learned how to turn my touch pad on my laptop off.. I needed to do that because I keep auto selecting my blog.. and typing over what is there.. effectively erasing it. I've done that several times.. and it gets more and more frustrating each time.  I lost about 20 minutes of blogging this morning.. so I decided something needed to be done.. and after looking through a few things.. I discovered the tapping disable feature.. so we'll see how that works. Something I've wondered.. and I had lots of feelings on it just a bit ago.. but now that I've already blogged it once.. I don't know how much more I need to get out.. is how we tend to have certain sexual desires.. I know there is a whole lot about hormones released.. and discussion can be made for the chemical reactions in our bodies.. but what makes it so strong in some people?  What causes the increase in pleasure for certain things.. for example.. oral sex.. anal sex.. the different positions.. what causes som...

I am really not sure how long this blog is... as my mind has been completely frazzled by life in general lately. The audit team was supposed to leave on Thursday afternoon.. but I found out Friday that they will be there next week... I don't know how long.. and don't know why... I really don't know much of anything.. other than this is the first time I've ever seen them take over a week. It's somewhat strange.. but so is life sometimes.  I just feel like my brain is somewhat numb.. on top of it all, I have spent the day in Bowling Green with my daughters... and my dad and spouse invited themselves along... My dad.. is sooooo controlling.  I just have no strength to resist right now.. and my spouse.. I've gotten to the point.. I just tune her out. I know that sounds bad.. but she can go on and on about the most mundane of stuff... maybe it's because I have developed such a poor attitude toward her.. and our relationship... I'm sure that's a driving f...

I've been sitting here at work.. needing to get some work done... but distracting myself with anything I can find... now.. I'm blogging.. not that I really felt I needed to.. but just because I feel I've put in enough effort in anything this week.. and at the moment.. blogging doesn't seem to be an effort.  I watched some youtube videos earlier.. just what I could do to be totally passive.. I could sleep, but then I might not wake up before I have to leave.. plus there is that chance that my supervisor could come in and catch me sleeping.. besides... I've never slept on the job.  Really.. I should have taken today as a mental health day.. or something like that.   I can't really focus. I tried earlier to do some training.. and a 30 minute assignment ended up taking me 2  1/2 hours.   I am sure I'll probably make myself feel badly about goofing off so much today... later.. but for now I'll just deal with it.  Most times we tend to behave in such a manner ...

I've reached a point of lack of motivation.. I don't know if it is due to the drain of energy on my life.. or what... but I almost feel like there's not much point to anything anymore.. The only motivation in my life right now.. is my daughters.. and that's only a drive to get me to stay here.. and get up and go to work each day... Other than that.. I don't feel like doing anything.  I will occasionally get into a rut.. but it's not like this.  This is not a rut.. it's just a feeling that no matter how I live my life... it's not going to matter.  Sure... there are "rut-like" qualities to what I'm going through... but I have lost most of my ambition. At one time this morning I thought to myself... why leave? ...there's no better future awaiting me, anyway... I suppose it's time for me to jump up on my soapbox and give myself the lecture for kick-starting my life. I've gone through it several times.. not that it really makes much ...

I was going to comment about that song.. but the blog ate my post before I posted it and I was just disgusted completely.. so I logged off and just posted the song by itself.. my whole attitude this week is "Whatever" ...anyone who knows me, knows that when I hear this.. I associate it with the words.. "fuck you" ....well.. that's what my week has been.. and how I currently feel.  I almost never use vulgar language outside of an intimate setting.. so for me to let loose the f bomb ...I hope that gets a bit of my point across... I'm emotionally, intellectually, physically, psychologically, and mentally exhausted... I won't crack... at least no more than I am cracked already... but I have no time in my life for any more crap... and I seriously won't take any at this point. If anyone pushes any buttons currently in my life... I will come out swinging.. with as much force as I can muster.. because I really don't care much right now.  It's just be...

Day 2 on planet AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.   They're here.. the inspectors... and everyone is running around with their smoke.. and their mirrors trying to hide whatever they can... and then we have all of this meeting and that meeting... While I sit and do my part to be as normal as I can.. doesn't work.. I'm playing along with the rest of them for two basic reasons... 1.. I was ordered to... and 2.  I don't think the people that came in are really competent in distinguishing the good from the bullshit.. We got a notice that they are starting WRAPS (Workforce Restructuring And Placement System) ...at least having a meeting on it.. this was after an email about laying off 340 workers at 28 centers..  or maybe furloughs... no one has a clue yet.. it's the government.. I'm sure they'll make the least logical decision.. so I'm not even going to try to guess what's going on.. well.. yeah.. I'll make speculations.. but nothing substant...

Had to take a few minutes to talk about procrastination.. I've been putting it off for awhile now.. It seems as though I'm always planning to do something.. or accomplish some task.. and I never get around to doing it. This applies to so many things in my life.. I thing we all have a tendency to avoid those things we really don't want to do.. but some of us do a much better job of it.  The center where I work is horrible about procrastination.. always saying they are going to do this.. or going to do that.... and sometimes.. they even start it.... only to let it fizzle out because there is no backbone anywhere to require people to do anything... so then we have to think.. what are the repercussions of not getting something done.. most often, we can't come up with anything seriously coming out of us not doing it.. But there is a moral standpoint... you're only as good as your word.. anything you say.. should be what you mean.. and it should be the truth... but the mo...

I had somewhat of a meltdown on my students yesterday... I've been feeling a lot of pressure from life in general.. and even more from my job with this upcoming review next week.. so I had to leave the classroom a few times yesterday morning each time coming back to a lot of goofing off... and there is still so much to do in the classroom.   So when I found a condom on the floor of the classroom... is when I realized I had to do something as I was losing them.. Luckily the condom was unused... but still I asked who had the condom.. and no one could ...or would confess... so I pulled over the nearest bookcase.. scattering books everywhere.. then I left and slammed the door.. sometimes we have to do dramatic things to get attention... I rarely do that because if I put on a dramatic show more than one in a great while.... it would lose its effectiveness.... still.. I'm not a violent person.. I do however expect people to do what they are supposed to do.. at least most of the time....

I am not even sure what I'm going to blog about this morning.. but I've had a little extra time.. and felt the need to make an attempt to blog.  Even though sometimes I get the urge to blog about something in particular, most of the time I don't have a clue what's going to come out.  I've had a somewhat stressful week.. they are coming to evaluate the center next week.. and my supervisor gave them my name to talk to as a contact... it might be because I'm more knowledgeable about the way things are supposed to be done.. but I don't think she counts on me being totally honest.. because that's what they're going to get from me.  I'm not going to throw anyone under the bus on purpose.. but I'm not going to sweep things under the rug either.. I'm a firm believer in shooting straight and letting the chips fall where they may.  Anyone who has spoken to me.. should realize that's just the way I am.. Now.. there are times when I didn't fa...

Sometimes I feel like I'm betrayed by my own body... before my circumcision.. I was content to be asexual.. I was okay with thinking about never having sex again... it wasn't a desire not to.. but I felt I could live without it if need be.. but because of that tiny scrap of skin gone.. and the design of my penis.. I am back to the way I was years ago.. maybe it's all the new sensations... or maybe it's the fact that there seems to be a patch of nerves that are exposed on the underside... I don't know what the case is exactly.. I just know things aren't the same.  I went for a long time without manual stimulation hoping the sensations just went away.. but over time that grew to be too strong of a temptation... and I succumbed.  Where I once saw myself being able to live in isolation, I know as things are now.. I cannot do that.. I don't know if I will find the strength to be able to either..   I felt myself getting slowly sucked into the habit of relieving th...

There are times.. when life gets so hectic.. that we choose not to look at what is actually happening around us... instead we worry about little tidbits of events here.. and there.. that really have no bearing on our life at all.  We focus on unimportant issues because we get dazzled by the smoke and mirrors of people... or things that try to manipulate us. I know there are goals I've set for myself.. and for the most part I try to stick with them, but the easier goals themselves can become as elusive as the more difficult ones we seek... if we lose sight of what we are trying to accomplish. I tend to be a bit gruff at times in the way I approach people.... maybe because I don't want people to misinterpret what I'm saying... because I've found that if you aren't direct.. and leave anything open to being misconstrued... it will generally result in a mis-communication. I don't like people to put words in my mouth.. nor do I enjoy having someone believe I'm s...

I sometimes think that most people need placeholders in their lives.. they move from one situation to another.. and think that maybe they can improve where they are.. by who they are with.. but in all actuality.. they need to be more focused on finding themselves or changing what they don't like about themselves.. than changing the people around them.  Sure if there are people in your life that only bring you down.. get rid of them.. or try to help them change.. but there is only so much you can do for others.. true change has to come from within.... and some people aren't willing to embrace change.. they spend so much time trying to blame others for their faults.. that they can't see their own issues.  Once a person has determined that they have traits or characteristics they want to change.. then the hard part starts.. actually believing they can change them.  Some people want things to change.. but are never willing to put forth the effort to make the changes.. instead...

We tend to focus on the negative things in our lives.. and in doing so we overlook the positive things.. no matter how bad things get, there are still positive influences in our lives.  It's hard to actually see these at times because we do get overwhelmed by negative influences. We have a lot of forces that act on us keeping us from being in touch with ourselves... we let people make us see ourselves as someone we're not.. and honestly .. I think that most of us set our standards at what we want them to be ...for other people.  I'm not that good of a person.. but I'm great at keeping to my standards... guess what.. I have what other people would consider faults.. but I'll use those faults to my advantage... I do have a tendency to manipulate other people to do things I want..  I play out certain scenarios in my head to come up with the best possible outcome.. and I will act accordingly to get what I want.  Sometimes I even hurt other people.. but it's not becau...

Sometimes it doesn't take much for my dad to set me off... I had said something about doing computer work for someone and he asked me where.. and who.. and how long and everything else.. now.. if it were because of something important, I'd be touched that he cared that much.. but my dad is OCD.. he wanted to just drive me there.. and wait for me to be finished.. I know that he means well.. but I've felt like my life is enough of a prison as it is.. I don't want my furloughs from prison to be under armed guard observation.  I don't know what his problem is.. and at some point... he is going to have to be put in a home.. because I can't deal with him if he gets alzheimer's... like several in our family have.. he's got a way of looking at things.. and it's going to be that way.. if there is anything in his power he has to say about it.  I know that things will eventually boil over between him and I.. I'm not looking forward to it.  There are times w...

I almost forgot today is my 19th anniversary... if not for a reminder from my daughter.. I would have not remembered it at all.. but as I think about it.. it is just another day.  I haven't said anything about it to my spouse yet.. nor has she mentioned it.. but I'm sure she may have thought about it.  I'm not getting her anything for our anniversary.. I used to.. a long time ago when I thought I might have a future with her.. but I have no desire for any more interaction with her than t I have to have. So.. it was a short day at work.. government usually gives 2 hours off early before major holiday... and this time I got to take advantage of it.. not sure what advantage I got though.. I got to come home 2 hours early.. big whoop... I would have just been as happy.. if not happier at work.   I know my  spouse understands I'm unhappy here.. we've actually talked about it before... a few times... but I think she's afraid that she'll lose her meal ticket if I ...

Another day passes.. and we are still in the same place we were yesterday.. at least most of us are.  We  can't seem to get anything accomplished. I think that people have good intentions... and want to move forward.. but most can't summon the strength to do so... we are all our own little planets... orbiting in our tried and true pathways... we can't seem to venture closer or farther from some fixed point.  It's like the universe mocks us and gives us reasons to stray from out path.. but in all actuality.. all we can do is move forward.  In moving forward, we try out the same pathway again and again... until we do finally realize we've been running around in circles.  Our lives seem to almost be planned out for us at times.  That's one thing I have been thinking about... If you really look at life.. it's a series of decisions we make.. choices... that put us in one particular set of circumstances... or on location... from there.. we make decisions based on...

Try as I might.. there are just some things I will never be able to understand..  I have blogged about so much here.. but in retrospect, I realize that my mind is sometimes at a very dark and dismal place.. I'm not like that in person... I have so much pain and turmoil to get through sometimes... and this is the place I do that.  I don't count on other people.. because at some point most other people in my life tend to walk out of it.. or maybe they're carried out by someone or something else. I do have trust issues.. I have abandonment issues.. I have self-esteem issues at times... we all have issues though.  It is how we act on the emotions that surface when we face our conflicts that define who we are.  We can hide from the world... or we can actively work to overcome the obstacles keeping us from being happy.  Whether we are productive or not doesn't matter.. at least we made the effort.. We can wallow in self-pity all we want.. and many times that is a temp...