I'm Paying For It Now

I almost forgot today is my 19th anniversary... if not for a reminder from my daughter.. I would have not remembered it at all.. but as I think about it.. it is just another day.  I haven't said anything about it to my spouse yet.. nor has she mentioned it.. but I'm sure she may have thought about it.  I'm not getting her anything for our anniversary.. I used to.. a long time ago when I thought I might have a future with her.. but I have no desire for any more interaction with her than t I have to have.
So.. it was a short day at work.. government usually gives 2 hours off early before major holiday... and this time I got to take advantage of it.. not sure what advantage I got though.. I got to come home 2 hours early.. big whoop... I would have just been as happy.. if not happier at work.   I know my  spouse understands I'm unhappy here.. we've actually talked about it before... a few times... but I think she's afraid that she'll lose her meal ticket if I move out... I really shouldn't talk like that... I think she tries to actually cater to my desire of being in my room away from her... but surely she can't want to live like this for the rest of her life.. I have no plans to bring up the topic of this being our anniversary.. not to be mean.. but.. because I just want to get away from this predicament I have put myself in.. sometimes so badly I contemplate walking out and driving off.. but my daughters will never be subjected to that.. I maintain my sanity.. because I have to.. for them.
I have spent a bit of time with my daughter for the last two days.. she and I have watched movies.. played games.. sang songs.. I try not to show I'm sad around her.. because I don't want her to think she has anything to do with it.. and I never want them to know I'm staying here only because of them.. I would hate to think that about my parents.. although I know better.. my dad and mom had their problems.. like almost anyone does.. but they learned to put up with each other... I am not certain I could have that much patience.. what is it they say.. don't find someone you can live with.. find someone you can't live without.. well.. I screwed up there... but it's my mistake and I'm paying for it now.

Comments

  1. ironyJuly 4, 2013 at 11:00 PM

    Sometimes things happen like that special k.... it seems like you are the tide trying to wash away the footsteps left by heartache.

    It sucks, I know. You used to game to create the happiness you need... is it possible to try that again? Find an in game gf or something. Nothing serious, just find an emotional connection? Silly I know but those emotional connections are what make the world seem less dull. Just a suggestion.

    Oh and p.s. I think its good that you have the facade around your daughter, stuff like that sucks to find out.

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