It's A No-Win Situation.

Sometimes I feel like I'm betrayed by my own body... before my circumcision.. I was content to be asexual.. I was okay with thinking about never having sex again... it wasn't a desire not to.. but I felt I could live without it if need be.. but because of that tiny scrap of skin gone.. and the design of my penis.. I am back to the way I was years ago.. maybe it's all the new sensations... or maybe it's the fact that there seems to be a patch of nerves that are exposed on the underside... I don't know what the case is exactly.. I just know things aren't the same.  I went for a long time without manual stimulation hoping the sensations just went away.. but over time that grew to be too strong of a temptation... and I succumbed.  Where I once saw myself being able to live in isolation, I know as things are now.. I cannot do that.. I don't know if I will find the strength to be able to either..   I felt myself getting slowly sucked into the habit of relieving the pressure several times a day.. but I'm able to withstand that desire for the most part... purely out of willpower.. That's because I don't want to be a slave to anything or anyone.. I don't feel any less of an urge.. I am just learning to control it better..  

So.. what do I do about it.. are there any solutions?   ...yes.. I know that I have rough plans on my living situation.. but what then?.. what until then?  ...I honestly don't know how long it will take me to reach the point where I need to be.. not where my daughters are still involved.. I've just never been able to think in terms of a one night stand.. too many issues.. and I don't need more complications in my life.  So then I have to figure.. are there no options left?   Most people look at my situation and think.. he's just out to get off.. and then leave.. but it's not like that.   I actually think I could become involved with someone given the right circumstances..  It would have to be someone I trust not to lie to me.. which rules out everyone already... okay.. so .. then I need someone who understands what my situation is.. and can know me as a person..  someone I can develop a mutual respect for.. the problem then stems from too much involvement.. I have always tended to believe that every involvement had the possibility of "forever" ...I no longer believe in "forever" ... I'm not even sure if I believe in "a long time" ...as far as relationships go.. Can I look at a mutual respect and understanding.. and realize that it's just for a short time?   even a year or two.. or three.. I don't know if I can do that either...  I've always had so many... "rules"... I have my 6 month rule.. I have my ... monogamy rule.. those will always stay in effect.. but then what about my other stipulations... to be honest.. I'm not that dead set on anything else..  but the biggest problem with me.. is the trust.. no matter what "rules" we have in place.. can I really trust someone to stick to them?  I've always felt that rules cause issues.. but I still have my standards..   Sounds kind of funny huh... I have standards about having an affair?  ....ummmm yeah.. right. Doesn't matter how strange it sounds.. I won't just jump into any involvement at the drop of a hat.. and anyone that would.. I wouldn't  be able to trust what is there..   I am able to negotiate in my mind and compromise certain things.. but does that mean I've lowered my standards?   I'm contemplating things now only a few months back I'd never conceive.  I will still continue to be careful about my decisions.. and to be honest.. I don't see me ever becoming involved in any more sites.. they're just a plethora of fantasy involvements where the partners just dance for a little while.. then move on to the next one.. plus I live in the middle of nowhere.. and never talk to anyone.. so.. I honestly don't see any of this actually becoming a reality.  I have much more to think about on this subject.. but I don't see anything changing anytime soon.. It's a no-win situation.