What If?

I've been sitting here at work.. needing to get some work done... but distracting myself with anything I can find... now.. I'm blogging.. not that I really felt I needed to.. but just because I feel I've put in enough effort in anything this week.. and at the moment.. blogging doesn't seem to be an effort.  I watched some youtube videos earlier.. just what I could do to be totally passive.. I could sleep, but then I might not wake up before I have to leave.. plus there is that chance that my supervisor could come in and catch me sleeping.. besides... I've never slept on the job.  Really.. I should have taken today as a mental health day.. or something like that.   I can't really focus. I tried earlier to do some training.. and a 30 minute assignment ended up taking me 2  1/2 hours.   I am sure I'll probably make myself feel badly about goofing off so much today... later.. but for now I'll just deal with it.  Most times we tend to behave in such a manner anyway.. doing what we want to do.. and dealing with the repercussions later.. after all it's much easier to ask forgiveness than get permission.. isn't that what they say?   ...and who is this "they" ...I may have touched on that once before.. but I still wonder about it... is there a secret society of people who set up what sayings should be or should not be.. I do recall touching on this... when I was talking about how if a saying isn't true.. then it probably wouldn't last long... because people would look like idiots for saying it.. not that most people don't turn out to look like idiots on occasion anyway... including myself.  There is way too much incompetency in the world.. too much apathy.. too much deception... too many players.. and to be honest.. I'd say that most people don't even know they fall into this category.. they've just set a standard for themselves based on what they're used to.. and the planet is covered with people who promote negative behavior.. the online world just seems to be a worse place for it. I've misplaced my trust so many times to people and found myself hurt that I still am uncertain how much trust I can give.  I've even found myself doing mistrustful things in my past...  but I've removed myself from the environment conducive to supporting this type of behavior.. and I feel much better about myself.  I'm no better than anyone else.. but I try to be more aware of myself.. so that I don't mislead anyone.. We tend to more irreversible harm than we realize when we act without thinking things through.. so I try to avoid making any decisions of consequence anymore.. I suppose that is one of the reasons my life has become so void of ...life.  I don't look to live anymore.. I just exist.  There are times when I think about things being different.. where I think about taking action... but then I end up just getting more frustrated thinking.. and thinking.. and thinking.. but never acting.  The world is full of possibilities.. but sometimes we just get tired of saying.."What if?"