Make The Most Of It.

Life sometimes seems so surreal.. I mean.. I get up.. and wander around the house for a few minutes of the morning.. everyone is still asleep.. and while my hot bath water is running.. I pop online for a bit.. then I usually just sit here and try to keep myself busy.. A lot of times, that is when I elect to blog.  thoughts about life and the way things are just seem to permeate my mind. I have lots of plans and lots of hopes.. but sometimes I think maybe it's best to just give little thought to those things, as it sets myself up for disappointment and heartache.  I think that people still get hurt when I say or do certain things.. but most everyone doesn't seem to listen to me at times... or they think I am just talking out of my ass. I really don't know what the case is... but I won't make excuses for who I am or the way I feel.  I don't always do the most logical things... but I refuse to live my life for anyone else.  I honestly don't believe anymore in the romantic love... and some would argue that you can't have passion without romance... but I believe you can. I can't see the future in any way.. even though there are a few people out there that think I'm psychic a bit. I know I'm a selfish bastard sometimes.. anyone that has spent much time around me should be able to vouch for that... but again I won't apologize for trying to grab what I can out of life. I don't think I come across as someone who will let anyone control their life.. at least I hope I don't.  I lost my ability to actually trust anyone completely awhile back.. and I don't fully believe in much.. I am sure there are people who think I'll change.. and yes.. I might go through some changes in my life.. but there are no certainties about any of it. My thoughts and attitudes do change on occasion.. but not just suddenly.. and I talk about when my ideas change.

I've been undergoing a metamorphosis with who I am and what I want... and I really am tired of being miserable. I don't know what it's going to take to make my life better, but I'm willing to try different things to bring at least a little happiness into my life.  Am I always going to make the smartest choices?  ...of course not... but they're my choices to make.  Anyone that isn't happy with who I am.. doesn't have to be in my life.. but as long as people are willing to be supportive instead of destructive, I never kick anyone out..  My ex's... they were supportive as long as we were together.. but then they found they wanted something else.. and honestly that is okay... but I can't prepare myself for someone who says something one day.. and the next is totally opposite.  I enjoy having the social interaction I have now.. and the friends and support in my life... and I will try to be as much a support to those that stay in my life... but it's time for me to venture forward instead of spinning my wheels in the same rut.  I don't really know what that entails.. but I know I have to learn to live my life without complete trust... I trust people not to lie to me.. but I don't trust in a future with anyone... and even after all this time.. I am certain this is something that will not change.  Words are somewhat meaningless to me when I hear particular things.. I know that life is somewhat superficial.. and all we can do is just make the most of it.

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