Under my Hat

I can trace back most mistakes in my life... to making spur of the moment.... or rash decisions.. then I develop this attitude that I just want to live day to day and not worry about things... I don't think that works.. I feel like I will end up making more mistakes... because of past experience.  If there is one thing about humans.. we should learn.. and learning involves using our brain to remember past thoughts.. or ideas.  So when I say I want to forget the past... and not live in it... that's not entirely accurate. Yes.. the past does have some control over me... as does it over everyone else... We learn.. we grow.. we develop certain attitudes based on what we know.. what we have seen.. and heard.. we were given 5 senses for a reason.. These are collectors of information.. that feed sensations into our brain... it's our brain that learns to interpret what we see... or hear.. or smell.. or taste.. or touch... To forget all of that... it's just not possible... we r...

Lying there.. my body warm anticipating with excitement as I see her approach... I feel a yearning growing inside the pit of my stomach... my sexual desire at full force as is evident by my body's reaction... I feel her body as she crawls over mine.. our skin creating a fiery friction as she straddles me.. then I wake up... and all is quiet.. the room is lonely.. and I am left in my present state.. Such is my life.  I have memories to hold on to.. but currently that is all I have.. I miss the touch of another person.. the tastes.. the sounds our bodies make.. but all of it is only brought about through vague recollections and fleeting dreams.   I don't like living this way.  I think that it is unnatural for us to go without human contact or face-to-face interaction.  I've adapted whatever was I could.. and am okay with just a bit of normal social banter... because I have to be.  But I honestly don't know what my mind is capable of believing in.  I'd like t...

I think we're lazy.. as humans we search for the easiest way to do things.. even if it takes 3 times the effort to do so.. That's why the U.S. has gotten to an overweight status... not that I really care much about any weight issues... it's just that most of us have gotten used to having things done for us.  Think back 50 years ago.. when we didn't have the 5 minutes meals.. we didn't have the magic of the internet to find things for us.. it took legwork... no remote controls.. I mean.. think about that.. we're too lazy to go touch something.. but we'll spend half an hour looking for some type of remote to a device ...instead of approaching the device and pushing a button... What's the deal.. are we that sedimentary in our lifestyle?  We will pay people to mow our yards.. to wash our cars... to do things that we say we don't have time for.. then we end up spending time goofing off.. or on something that is a complete waste of our time. We also hav...

I'm a witty, charming person.. I know that.. I can be verbally manipulative... I sometimes lack drive and ambition. I have been known to get carried away sometimes.. verbally.. sexually.. but I have a decent heart inside.  I really care about people in general.  It's just that certain people have turned me off to the idea of being in a relationship.  I will always be suspicious.. and I kind of doubt I will ever overcome that. Sometimes I wonder what the motivation factor for most people are... and to tell the truth.. I think we're all a bit selfish at times... we do things we want.. for ourselves.. and honestly I feel that's perfectly fine.. The problem is that most people will use others to get what they want.  I think that I've been guilty of doing that myself.. maybe not even knowing at the time that's what I was doing.  We all like to feel we have some worth.. that we belong somewhere.  I feel less and less like I belong... at work.. here at home.. eve...

Kinda think I'm starting to get things together... even with the occasional waffling on what I'm going to end up doing.. I still am keeping a positive mental outlook.. or at least trying.  One thing that has always eluded me.. why do people feel it is in their best interest to bring up things over and over... I know I have that tendency to do that.. and in the past... I might have said a comment here or there to get my feelings known.. but I try to not verbally attack anyone directly... unless I feel they have directed a verbal attack on me.. Once I do that, I've lost control. For someone to be able to cause me to lose control.. means that I really care a lot about what they say....  and for the most part.. I've learned to just let most comments just pass. I am guilty of pushing other people's buttons on occasions.. and I know that other people have said or did things.. just to push mine... well.. this remote is out of batteries.. I won't let other people contr...

Ever wake up with the feeling that it was going to be a rotten week?  ...This is a short week for me... again.. as I will be off Friday... so I'm calling today Tuesday again.  Who cares if it's not... to me .. it is.  I just woke up with the "blahs" this morning... I can feel the pessimistic attitude starting to try to creep back in. I don't want to be that way... it's just that most of my life is geared toward pessimistic events. Maybe it's just the way I look at things... I mean.. things happen for a reason.. right?  When one door closes... another door opens?  ...I'm not so sure I can continue believing that.  I tend to walk right into walls.  I am enjoying life though.. even if I'm not certain about any positive future events.... I can still say that right here.... right now... it's not horrible. By the same token, I can't say that things have really changed all that much. I'm supposed to be getting together a plan for my program...

I sometimes wonder why I'm a witty person... and yes.. I'm not modest about it.. I feel that at times I can be very witty.. but where does it come from?... I mean do we have a gene inside us that gives us the ability to look at something and poke fun in a humorous sort of way?   I try not to be hurtful about the things I say... at least not deliberately... but sometimes I might rub someone the wrong way... tough. I also try not to apologize for things I did that I would do again... I really don't care if I alienate people, as sometimes I feel that I end up pushing most people out of my life anyway. Maybe it's a defense mechanism... I honestly find it impossible to trust people. No.. don't break out the soapbox... I'm not going to turn this blog post into a lecture on trust again..  I just realize that my interaction with most is going to involve me pushing.. I guess if someone really wants to stay in your life.. then they will.. no matter most of the circumstan...

Yesterday drained a lot out of me.. sometimes I think... maybe I am getting too old.. You know the old saying.. you're only as old as you feel.. well.. I'm sorta feeling it now. I spend a little time on the sites.. but not enough to get anything out completely... I banter every once in awhile... and then log off.. I really don't care who I banter with.. it's a nice social interaction.. and I banter with the guys as much as the gals.. because I'm not wanting anyone on the sites to think I have more than a passing interest in them. I enjoy the communication I get on rare occasions, but I'm not going to get sucked into the world of the online and lose myself... I've almost done that in the past.  It's all about maintaining that balance I've talked so much about... well.. I"m doing a shitty job of achieving that balance in my offline world.. why should I think I can do it online.  My spouse and I are talking a little more.. and several of our conve...

I started to write a blog covering the same things I always cover.. rehashing thing over for the umpteenth time.. but instead I just want to relax for a bit... not worry about life's daily grind on my soul.. and just be. I really have a lot going on in my head.. but there is no.. catharsis to help me release what I have.  I do have to say... I miss sex... maybe I'm not the best at it.. but I don't think I'm horrible.. at least not with the right person. I am not really all that worried about sex in general.. I've learned exactly what I had at the doctor.. and it took them 18 months to figure it out.. but finally.. it has been treated.. and everything is back to normal.  What is normal anyway... my life certainly doesn't have much in the way of normalcy in it.  I have begun to realize that forever doesn't exist.  Sometimes I am closer to my own mortality than I care to be. I see people going through various stages of cancer.  I am exposed to people who are w...

So... another week is here.. not sure what I want to blog... as there are so many things floating around in my mind at the moment... but I thought I'd start typing and see what came out.  Sometimes it's difficult to put into words the feelings we feel.  I remember in college... I lived with a roommate for over a year... we became friends and had some really intimate times together.. not sexually of course.. but we did things together.. and became very good friends... well.. he moved out and went to Nashville and we sort of drifted apart a bit as friends but he was still friends with my uncle.. The thing is.. I really have nothing against anyone... but to invite them into my life.. and give them close access.. well.. I expect them to be honest with me.. and there are many types of dishonesty... If I had known he was homosexual.. it might have affected our friendship a little.. but by him not telling me.. I felt a bit of a betrayal.. it's difficult to recover from something ...

Most everyone has a tendency to lie... whether they're trying to just be agreeable.. or not.. it doesn't matter.. I have a spouse who is too much like that already... agrees to anything.. is okay with anything.. will say anything to avoid a confrontation.. and then doesn't have the strength of character to do what she wants to do. I want my spouse to go out.. and find someone... and make herself happy... her happiness shouldn't be dependent on me.. or my happiness.. because we don't have that type of relationship anymore. I kind of think maybe I promote my spouse being in limbo as well as myself.. mostly because I don't take any action to stop her from thinking that way... maybe she thought I'd never leave... but recently she's come to that realization.. that things are just a certain way.  I know things couldn't have been easy for her... as it's difficult to not make things personal.  still I've learned a long time ago that no matter what p...

It's sometimes strange.... just imagining life a bit different.  I know I've talked about moving out now for awhile... and I will get through it.. and on with my life... but my daughter tonight talked about when she would be growing up.. and moving out.  I found it the perfect opportunity to talk to her about how I understood that she and I wouldn't always live in the same house.. but no matter where she lived.. and where I lived... that I would always be there for her if she needed me.  ...and I intend on holding true to that promise... I think maybe she is somewhat prepared for me not living with her... or maybe she senses something is happening soon.  I am not going to broach the subject in detail until I have something worked out in a bit more detail.  I did some job searching today... strung some fishing reels for my fishing trip with dad tomorrow... I might let him know what is happening soon... but part of me is saying.. just wait until I have a plan in ...

Divorce isn't all that uncommon these days... but sometimes it is difficult to get the ball rolling.  So many unknowns that go into causing a worrisome mentality about the whole thing.  My spouse and I had a much deeper conversation... apparently, several members of her family have been telling her for some time that they can see we aren't happy.  I think she will have the support of several of them... I just don't know if that will be enough.  I don't want her to suffer.. but being together.. we're both suffering.. and we both know it.. I feel like I am just floating through each day.. trying to wait on things to happen.. but we both know that we have to start taking action.  She is actually looking at getting a job in a town close to my daughters' schools... so that when I move out, they will be able to move into that town and live.  I am not sure what we need to do in order to get things started.. but in reading.. I can move for a legal separation... bu...

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...

There is a lot of pain in this world... but there is some good stuff too.. Sometimes it is difficult to see the good because we're focusing too greatly on the pain.  When a woman is in labor... she is given something to focus on.. to help her through the discomfort...   Well.. I shouldn't say discomfort.. that's like saying having your balls ripped off is a minor dislocation. Still.. the pain is always there.. whether it be an immediate onslaught.. or things that haunt you from your past.  We all say that we are over it.. and that we've put things behind us... but it's our experiences that make us a part of who we are.. and why we see things a certain way.  Whether that is a good or bad thing... doesn't matter.. that's just  the way it is.  I can no more change what has happened in my life than I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. ...and honestly.. it's no ones business what we've been through..  We don't have to justify who we are.. to ...

It's storming out... not certain that will add anything to my already long and arduous week.. My manager was there a total of two days.. and the assistant.. one.. during other times.. guess who was called on to fill in.. yup.. yours truly.  If I'm going to do the job, I think maybe I should be paid for it. I'm seriously thinking of applying for the management position just to see if I'd get it.. if not.. then no harm... but I am needing to drop some duties somewhere... as this filling in for the manager as much as I have.. PLUS doing my old job.. is getting old.  I hear the rain on the roof.. and wish it could just wash away the "dirt" in my life.. all the bad things I've been through.. But those bad things are still there.. haunting me on occasion.. I have focused, for the most part, on my life as it is currently occurring,  but bits of my past still affect my outlook no matter how I try to put things behind me.  I think it's something like.. lear...

Yesterday was a lousy day... literally... I am sitting at my desk in my office.. and one of my students comes up to me holding his finger out and says... "Sir.. does this look lice to you?"  ... Okay.. I said I've pretty much prepared myself for any surprises.. and as far as emotional roller coasters in my life... but this took me completely off guard.. "Ummmmmmmm...", I said as I glared at the tiny moving speck on his hand.. "Where did you get that?" He proceeded to tell me he removed it from the hair of the young lady sitting next to him... and all I could say was... I think we better go to medical... so I sent them both up there...and spent the next hour scratching my head.. Then we we spent the afternoon going to their dormitories and washing all their clothes.. as well as spraying down their beds.. So literally we had a "lousy" day. I did end up shaving my head yesterday as a precautionary measure... no taking chances here.. so my he...

I honestly must have a sign on me that says..."Give me your extra work"... Sometimes I wonder when things will lighten up.. I kinda thought when we got a new acting manager.. that things might take a change for the better... but that only happens in a life that has some positive aspects to it, I suppose. I get to rant here in my blog.. for me... I dislike having to do the job of two people... or as it has been the last 2 days... three people...  I do what I can.. and screw the rest of it.. it'll happen when and if I get to it.  I find myself focusing on work a bit more... I need to get myself ready to go job hunting.. in three weeks, I will become career permanent with the government.. and  barring a huge catastrophe... I don't see anything interfering with that. Don't you just wish sometimes you could have a do-over on a week.. or a month.. or even a year..why?  even if you make different decisions, most of the time you can't avoid the dramatic effect some...

Some mornings.... you just feel like lying there.. eyes shut... head against your pillow.. and just waiting for the world to pass you by... I mean.. it would be so easy... right?  But then here comes that bastard.. your subconscious... and whispers naughty little four letter words in your ear... work.. wake... rise.. These are not the naughty words I want to hear.. nor who I want to hear them from.. I kinda think that fate picks out the most annoying sound and drives it into your brain when it is time to wake up.. I sort of wonder what jolts us awake... I know sometimes our subconscious works at us through our dreams... integrating all types of mumbo-jumbo into our minds while we sleep.. and we're powerless to do much about it.  One of the things I do to determine if I am dreaming or not.. is I find something and read it... if I read it again and it reads something else entirely.. then I know I'm dreaming... or on a bad acid trip.. which would be amazingly uncanny as I never ...

It seems as though I have lots of thoughts in my head.. but lately they don't build up enough for me to sit down and blog them... I am wondering if that is because I post in the forums... or maybe I just don't have a clue as to what is going through my head.  I know that forums are places where you have to be careful... because you never know who is who.. and what is the truth.. I haven't forgotten that it is much of a fantasy world... but I also know there are real people there.  Most people are locked in their lives and have no chance of escape... and given the opportunity will say whatever they think will help them to break free of the mundane existence they have found themselves trapped in. I suppose there is a part of me that is the same way.... I just try to keep a hold on the person I am inside and not let the passing fantasy influence me to a irreversible point.  We all like escaping to a fantasy every once in awhile...whether it be picking up a book.... or immer...

I woke up this morning in an okay mood.. then my dad shows up. Let's just say, when dealing with my dad... I give up trying to reason with him a long time ago... the yard was mowed 3 days ago, but because he thought he wanted to now it, I get to spend my Saturday mowing and trimming again... he wants to trim.. because that's supposedly the hardest job.... so I get on the mower and try to figure out where I just mowed so I can go over it in a uniform manner... but truth be told...if dad went inside for awhile, I could just say I mowed it, and he would never know the difference.. so.. that leaves dad... walking around the trees and trimming... he hit most trees 3 or 4 times... partially because he is senile and can't remember where he has been... but honestly he can't remember either... so we finally get done stirring the grass around the yard.. and now after cleaning up... he wants to head to the city to eat.. he says every time.. let's go to Ryan's Steak House.....