You Have To Live Your Life.

It's storming out... not certain that will add anything to my already long and arduous week.. My manager was there a total of two days.. and the assistant.. one.. during other times.. guess who was called on to fill in.. yup.. yours truly.  If I'm going to do the job, I think maybe I should be paid for it. I'm seriously thinking of applying for the management position just to see if I'd get it.. if not.. then no harm... but I am needing to drop some duties somewhere... as this filling in for the manager as much as I have.. PLUS doing my old job.. is getting old. 

I hear the rain on the roof.. and wish it could just wash away the "dirt" in my life.. all the bad things I've been through.. But those bad things are still there.. haunting me on occasion.. I have focused, for the most part, on my life as it is currently occurring,  but bits of my past still affect my outlook no matter how I try to put things behind me.  I think it's something like.. learning?  I still have the desire to want to believe in people..but I don't.. not because I don't trust them to tell me the truth anymore.. as I am just not inclined to believe that things won't change.. I'm not a lucky person.. at least I don't think I am... I have good things that have happened to me.. namely my daughters... I have a decent job.. as much as I complain about it.. and I'm in reasonably good health.. still I don't look for good things to happen to me anymore.. as they just don't.. or .. as the saying goes.. "every rose has it's thorn" ....at least that's what has been my experience.. so yes.. I will keep my pessimistic attitude for the most part.. but be optimistic about what is happening at the moment.. does that make sense?   I'm good with whatever befalls me today.. and I will continually strive to make today worth living.. but don't ask me about next year.. even 6 months from now.. because I refuse to make plans that far ahead.. give me a 2 month window.. and I can work with that.. but beyond that.. I can't even say I'll be working at all.  Of course none of us are guaranteed anything beyond the breath that we are taking at this moment.  I think that most people don't actually realize that... I miss so many opportunities by telling myself that I can't do this.. or I can't do that..   Sure.. I can't go out and quit my job... and buy a motorcycle and ride off into the sunset.. well.. I could.. but then that is setting up a lot of pain and suffering.. for my daughters anyway... and I will never abandon them.. but I have actually thought about the motorcycle thing..  If I'm given an opportunity for anything that I see no serious negative impact in the next month or two.. I'm going to take advantage of it.. after all.. you have to live your life. 

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