I'm Always Here.

I sometimes wonder why I'm a witty person... and yes.. I'm not modest about it.. I feel that at times I can be very witty.. but where does it come from?... I mean do we have a gene inside us that gives us the ability to look at something and poke fun in a humorous sort of way?   I try not to be hurtful about the things I say... at least not deliberately... but sometimes I might rub someone the wrong way... tough. I also try not to apologize for things I did that I would do again... I really don't care if I alienate people, as sometimes I feel that I end up pushing most people out of my life anyway. Maybe it's a defense mechanism... I honestly find it impossible to trust people. No.. don't break out the soapbox... I'm not going to turn this blog post into a lecture on trust again..  I just realize that my interaction with most is going to involve me pushing.. I guess if someone really wants to stay in your life.. then they will.. no matter most of the circumstances.. true friends don't walk away.. but are always there if you need them.  I honestly may have pushed a few people... but I've never walked away from anyone.. instead I push to the point where they walk away. The problem is.. I have the ability to hit on truths that cause people the reaction I want to get from them... so in a way.. I am very manipulative.. but I still try never to lie about things... once I do that.. I lose a piece of myself.. so what's worse.. being manipulative with the truth?  ...or lying to make someone feel better?  ...Most people would say the first is far worse.. but I'm not that kind of person.  I live in a lie.. and I can justify it all I want that I do it for my daughters.. but  it's still a lie. Even by omission.. I still end up lying here.. which is one of the reasons I need to get out of here... I feel that a huge chunk of my soul has been eaten away... and I'm afraid I'll lose what's left of it.  I've said several times.. what I say.. might not be what you want to hear... but it'll be the truth... so I keep silent about a lot of things at home... I don't throw every card on the table.. call it keeping the peace.. call it cowardice.. whatever you want to call it.. it still makes me abhor the environment I am living in.  I look daily through job postings to get out of here.. I am 5 days from being career permanent with the government... that'll help my chances quite a bit.. I'm being as good of a worker as I can at work.. just to get one more high rating on my evaluation.. but even still I would do everything I need to do.. I'm just that type of person... but the wearing on me.. at work.. and here at home... is starting to take its toll. I have me that I can depend on.. I'm always here.