My Shovel Isn't Big Enough.

I'm a witty, charming person.. I know that.. I can be verbally manipulative... I sometimes lack drive and ambition. I have been known to get carried away sometimes.. verbally.. sexually.. but I have a decent heart inside.  I really care about people in general.  It's just that certain people have turned me off to the idea of being in a relationship.  I will always be suspicious.. and I kind of doubt I will ever overcome that. Sometimes I wonder what the motivation factor for most people are... and to tell the truth.. I think we're all a bit selfish at times... we do things we want.. for ourselves.. and honestly I feel that's perfectly fine.. The problem is that most people will use others to get what they want.  I think that I've been guilty of doing that myself.. maybe not even knowing at the time that's what I was doing.  We all like to feel we have some worth.. that we belong somewhere.  I feel less and less like I belong... at work.. here at home.. even in the woods where I live.  it's just difficult to put my finger on.. but it's like I'm waiting on the world to change.. and it may never do so.  I am trying to make my attempt to make changes myself.  I guess, like the government, I am slow about implementing things.. I am looking to make a few changes I can do.. and hope that gives me motivation to move farther down my path.  I don't know who around me might be looking to me for advice.. but I hope to become again the man I once was.. I just don't know if he's still there.. and I'm doubtful he is. I'm still trying to dig through the mountain of cynicism to find him.. but it seems I'm in the wrong place to try to dig... as I just keep getting more and more covered. ...and my shovel isn't big enough.