Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm wasting my life away one day at a time.. because I'm refusing to see the bigger picture.  It's not like I make many plans anymore... I have all sorts of good ideas.. and great intentions... but when it comes down to it.. I never act on much of anything.  Is it laziness?  ...or just plain apathy?  I almost feel sometimes that I am developing an apathy for life.  I talked yesterday briefly to my spouse again... about how I'm here for my daughters... and how I am applying for an open position elsewhere... but that there is no use in the girls being uprooted if I get the position.. as we won't be together much longer anyway... she didn't say a whole lot.. but my reminders are going to get more and more frequent... Maybe I won't be away next month.. or in 5 - 6 months.. I really don't know yet.. I will do things as I can... and make the best of it when I do.

I sort of dread going to work this week.. as I figure I'll have to pile 5 days of work into 4.. I am only working 4 days for the rest of the year... no furlough.. I have that much leave time to burn before January gets here.  I have thought about donating some of it to someone in need.. but maybe I'm a bit selfish... I want that time to me.. to do whatever I feel like doing.. I might actually go fishing this next weekend.. my dad was talking about it.. and has been for awhile now. I'm just not sure that I can survive the aftermath.. about him talking about everything we did in detail for weeks.. I know he's just lonely.. I understand that.. after all, my mom was most of his life.. and he still makes time for her every day. I feel a little sad that I probably will not ever know something like that... but I've made my peace with it.. and can keep moving forward.

I know that people who have been in my life for any length of time have witnessed a change in my attitude.. and yes... I've adjusted it a bit. I might be a romantic deep inside.. but I'm a realist more than anything now.. my experiences have made me so... I really don't worry about.. what comes next all that much.. a few weeks.. or a couple of months at a time.. is all that I can concern myself with. I'm doing much better with that frame of mind.  I have been told that I will fall.. at some point in the future... I don't worry about it.. I won't even deny it.. but I find it difficult to believe in anything I will not allow myself to see as more than temporary.. Temporary can take on a meaning of a year or so.. but a lifetime?.. I'm just not so sure that exists anymore... there are too many obstacles in life that pummel us from letting that happen.  I can be the most certain ever about who I am.. or what I feel.. but I don't completely trust in who anyone else is anymore.. it's something I cannot help....something that has been emotionally beaten into me.. Something I have learned well.