It Seems To Be Growing.

It seems as though I have lots of thoughts in my head.. but lately they don't build up enough for me to sit down and blog them... I am wondering if that is because I post in the forums... or maybe I just don't have a clue as to what is going through my head.  I know that forums are places where you have to be careful... because you never know who is who.. and what is the truth.. I haven't forgotten that it is much of a fantasy world... but I also know there are real people there.  Most people are locked in their lives and have no chance of escape... and given the opportunity will say whatever they think will help them to break free of the mundane existence they have found themselves trapped in. I suppose there is a part of me that is the same way.... I just try to keep a hold on the person I am inside and not let the passing fantasy influence me to a irreversible point.  We all like escaping to a fantasy every once in awhile...whether it be picking up a book.... or immersing ourselves in a TV show or movie... the main difference being... at some point.. we know that show or book is done.. and we are no longer a part of it.  Too many times we get so disappointed when a series is cancelled.. or maybe we wouldn't know what to do if our favorite series was no more... it's because we let ourselves become a part of it... even if only for a short while each week.. it's somewhere we can escape to. But we all develop habits... something that keeps us occupied... and we might think we aren't controlled by anything... but that's only because we've changed one habit for another.  Whether it be.... watching movies... posting in forums... drinking coffee.. playing online games... shopping.. blogging.. sex.. masturbation.. The list is endless.. we can become involved in something to a point where we look forward to the next time we are able to engage in this activity. This realization doesn't make it any less of a fantasy for us.. a place to escape... but we all need that.  We need somewhere we can escape from this issues of the world.. because there are so many pressures put on us by everyday life.  I said at one time I was going to try to meditate to find a balance... I've realized when I try to meditate.. that I just sit and think of everything.. This in itself isn't a horrible thing.. but it sometimes causes inner buried issues to rise to the surface.. and sometimes, I'm just not ready to deal with those.  We all have things we've hidden deep inside... that we choose not to face.. I suppose part of mine.. is my past... it's still there.. whether I choose to look at it or not... I still remember what people can do to you.. and how they can fool themselves and you at the same time... it doesn't matter how much time passes, I'm not certain I can ever put aside those feelings of cynicism as far as relationships go..  I know I'm broken.. but so are most other people online.. at least in the forums.. they're there searching for an answer.. something to fill a space inside themselves.. and maybe there isn't anything large enough to do that... some of us have a black hole inside of us.. and it seems to be growing.