Under my Hat

Sometimes I feel like maybe my posts are a bit bi-polar... up sometimes... down the others... but such is the way of life. The holidays have magnified that tremendously... On the one hand, I was happy to spend Christmas with my daughters...  I enjoyed spending their birthdays with them. But it made it much more of a sad occasion to leave them... for another 5 months. I almost missed out going to see them. I was supposed to go back to Kentucky on the 18th. That was supposed to give me time to wrap presents and get everything in order for my trip... but I spent Monday and Tuesday in the hospital with pancreatitis. I had let my eating habits decline in the last few months.. I was eating pretty much everything I wanted without regard to my health. My blood sugar was 395....since the inflammation on my pancreas has subsided, I have been checking my levels at over 200. It looks like I might be starting insulin shots soon if they don't come down. But I got dismissed from the hospital in ...

It's been awhile... so much stuff to do at work..  ...and a whole lot of soul searching.  This time of year is much harder for me now that I am alone.  Even though I go see my daughters for 10 days or so... It makes it much harder for me to leave them knowing they really won't be a part of my life until the end of May. Lately, they have discovered kik... so I finally have a use for the app on occasion. We do a 3 way video chat sometimes.. I just feel like I'm not much of a part of their lives. My fire training has been put on hold... so there is another part of my life that is in a holding pattern.. it pretty much matches the rest of my life. I felt like my whole existence was in a holding pattern when I was married, but since I've been out and on my own, I realize that I put it that way because I always had expectations greater than what was happening in my life. I guess I still do, but I'm not willing to risk losing any more of myself than what I have already......

I've went out on a few  dates lately... but even though they seemed to go well.... I just don't feel a "click" ...I'm just being me... not putting on any kind of front... and I've learned I don't have a whole lot in common with many people... I have made a couple of friends... but I don't see anything long term happening. It's not that they aren't attractive... because they are... I think part of it is being conditioned by the sites to believe I can be and interact in a certain way... and that's okay... Online dating is soooooo much easier than offline dating. ...but I've said I'm not going to dwell much on relationships in this blog anymore... doesn't mean I won't be throwing thoughts out there from time-to-time... I still want to be open with what's going on inside my head... I have just learned to quell the negativity... and it is working very well.. I actually feel much more optimistic.. I feel more productive.. a...

I seem to be falling into a comfortable position in my new house. I haven't exactly got everything down, but I seem to be able to see me living here for awhile. I am thankful for a lot of what I have in my life at the moment. I'm still saddened occasionally that my daughters aren't around, but I will see them next month.  I need to start doing a bit of Christmas shopping and obtaining birthday presents. I know it's not all about gifts. I don't want them to think I've forgotten about them. ...at the same time I don't want them to think I'm trying to buy their love. I think with just about any divorce there is that fine line we have to walk to keep that balance. I would love to spend more time with them but they are so far away.  My ex and I had a talk about 2 weeks ago... and she said some things that hurt a bit, but she was right.... I wasn't a major part of my kids lives when I was home... I spent too much time at work... now I can't just expec...

Worked half a day today... then came home and worked around the house... now I'm debating going out and doing a bit of shopping. I find lately that I get charged up... only to drain fairly quickly. I think maybe I should remove myself from negative influences, but then I'd have to quit my job... it gets very negative there at times.. Luckily I can sustain a pretty positive environment... at least for awhile... then I start feeling the drain.  I refuse to give in completely though.. because I love this positive reflection I see when I stare in the mirror lately. It does make me a bit sad when I think of all the people who trick themselves into living in a state of negativity on a continual basis. It really is a choice... no matter how we choose to look at it... You can be happy with what you have.. and enjoy it... or you can look for more and more... and never really be truly happy.  I am not certain if I'm destined for happiness as it stands now... but I know if I stayed i...

I sometimes wonder what I'm going to say next... is that common? We all go about the course of our day with no idea in which direction it will go. Most of us are more guarded as we grow older... until sometimes we tend to harden ourselves too much. You may know some people like that.. I was heading in that direction, but am trying to put a stop to it.  I am not sure what the male equivalent of "old cat lady" is... but it's not what I want to be.  besides... I am not a big fan of having indoor cats, anyway.  I realize there is still much left in life to explore, so even though I might not get around to delving into a whole lot of exploration, I have made it a choice to be open and optimistic.. but being smart about it all. I am not exactly certain how Christmas is going to go yet, but I'm working on a few contingency plans since that lottery idea seems to have fallen through.... and I'm not cut out to be a Deuce Bigalow...  I am finding it much easier to hav...

It seems as though I have been Netflix binge watching for the last little bit.  It goes to support my ideology that if you let one thing control your life, you're going to not be productive. I am cutting down on my Netflix now.. and will concentrate on the more productive aspects of my life for a bit.. even though occasionally, one must make time for the frivolities that give our minds some "down time".  I have pretty much recuperated from my training last week, but I still have several things at work to catch up on.. it's not like I'm ever going to get completely caught up there... as I still have too many positions to cover in an 8 hour day. I will figure it out though... I always do. I had someone recently tell me that I seem to make assumptions at times... I have learned that I best get along with people who can actually speak their mind without hiding things for such a long time.  I don't get my feelings hurt when someone can be bluntly honest with me ...

It's been a long, busy, interesting week... I've been in California... near Hollywood.  Of course I was only 3 hours from where I live... Both California and Hollywood are cities in Maryland.. It was an awesome facility. I was there to learn more about my role as a union steward. I did learn quite a bit. The training was very intensive. We started on Sunday. Our days started at 7am.. and went to sometimes 8 or 9 pm at night.  Then there was the "Feedback Inn". It was an open bar that was open from 8 - 11pm. Most of us went there to network with the fellow stewards in training, as well as the instructors. I skipped this most nights as I was worn out, and it wasn't mandatory. The training was well worth it... but it will take me a few days to get back to my normal self. I am currently binge-watching Reign.. it is an interesting storyline but doesn't really follow historical records. That is the way with most TV, even with "reality" shows. That is wh...

I heard that if you make your bed the first thing in the morning.. that you will have accomplished something... and then the day will start off in a positive light... I believe that..  I have tried to keep with that for the last month or so.. and I do believe it is making a difference... at least a bit of one.. in my attitude. I went so far as making it here in my room at the training facilities, even though the housekeeping staff will probably pull the linen off my bed anyway... Still it's the gesture that counts... I'm pretty sure I'll accomplish a whole lot during this week... I'm in training to be a union steward... I already have an idea of some of it.. but I'm going to keep an open mind and let my ideology be re-written. I should take that to heart with other aspects of my life... but no one is an expert... so who would do the re-writing?   I had dinner (supper) last night in a local restaurant/bar ...it was crowded, and the food was excellent, but I wasn...

Do you ever wonder why there is always so much to do?  I think that we tend to have more and more things put on us until we find our breaking point... at least that is what it seems like. Sometimes it is just best to say "No... I can't do that" ...but then that would be admitting our limits.. and that someone has reached them. We like to think that we can do almost anything... or at least do much more than people expect. No one likes to be reminded of their limitations, but we all have them. I am painfully aware of several of mine... but I am learning to be more and more comfortable with them.. Dad is still here... I don't know when he is leaving... and I'm thankful he's still alive... but it would be nice if he could be alive somewhere else for awhile. I haven't even masturbated for nearly 3 weeks now... which is quite a bit of time for me... The strange thing is I'm missing it less and less... the sexual feeling.... it was once something that stay...

Have you ever stopped for a few minutes and realized how big the world really is??  I mean... we see different stuff all our lives... and someone can say they travel extensively... but we will really never make much of a dent in who we meet... or what we see.. There are 7 billion people in the world.. If we lived 75 years meeting people... we'd still have to meet over 250,000 people a day to meet everyone... and even then that doesn't take into account the billions of people who would be born and die.. it's just something to think about... how many people are actually out there... it's astronomical... and I'm not even counting aliens.. or people from other dimensions ...lol I guess it's just a wake up call when you think about it... we think of ourselves as so important.. because we grew up being told how special we were...and we tell it to our kids... and our kids are special... to us... Everyone is unique... but the world was here before we got here.. and i...

Dad is trying to convince me to contact my sisters... as no one in either household will respond to either of his two phones now... he is worrying them to death... he stays on the phone about 60 percent of the time... either dialing or leaving messages... I told him no... I wouldn't be a party to his paranoia... and if they wanted to talk with him... they'd leave him a message... in the short time it has taken me to type this... I've heard his phone open and close several dozen times... he really has a problem... and I'm not going to feed it... He's come up with every excuse he could think of why he needs to talk to them..... but he can't come up with a reasonable one...  "Their phones don't always work and they don't always get the message."  "They were supposed to put the trash out for me last night, and I just needed to make sure they did"   First of all... he.. if they hadn't...what are you going to do about it now?? ...secon...

I feel like rearranging stuff... I've only been living in my house a little over a month... and already I've made some rearrangements of my furniture... I keep making minor rearrangements to make things more functional and convenient... but at some point I'll figure it out.  I do enjoy cleaning a bit more though.  It is something that is for me... because this place is mine.. even if I do owe quite a bit on it... I will make it more mine as time goes along.  I haven't hung any pictures yet.... or worked much on decorating... I think at heart I'm more of a functional person anyway.. I have always preferred having things that served a purpose as opposed to those things that just look pretty or cool.. Even growing up, I would ask for Christmas presents that served a purpose... Things break... or get worn... or you even get used to the beauty of your surroundings.  I think functionality is much easier to respect and appreciate.. at least on my level.  I'm a substan...

I am no longer blogging about relationships here... I seem to be tainting my own viewpoint... so this is the last entry... I might still occasionally blog about events... or my family... or even things I want to share with the public... but my noggin has gotten to be a bit of a dark place and needs it's own space. I have other avenues I've discovered about doing that... I won't even share the other avenue with my closest of friends... so if you're my friend... please don't even ask. I appreciate the words of advice I get from those few people who words carry weight with me... and I am looking forward to opening a new chapter in my literary undertakings... I am not doing this to hide from anyone... quite the contrary... I'm doing this to keep my negative thoughts at bay... and turning off my locator wasn't quite doing it as I still felt there might be a slant to my conversations... I appreciate all those who took time to read what I've written... and I...

Been busy and not... trying to not let my dad have much fun this time... he's talking like he really doesn't care if he goes back home or not... I can put up for a few weeks.. but then I'm going to training... and I'm not giving him a key... so if he wants to stay here while I'm gone.. he'll have to break down a door or something... one thing is for certain... if he's here too much, I'm moving... I can't deal... and he doesn't listen when you tell him to leave you alone for a bit... My sisters know all too well that he doesn't pay attention when you tell him not to come back.. he's not welcome.. because they have told him that... and he still shows back up.. and just walks in... I've taken great pains not to give him a key... and I'm not showing him where the extra ones are... I told him yesterday that I understood why no one there has much time for him... he tries to run everyone's life.. and he doesn't listen... he alwa...

It's the middle of the night.. and I just can't seem to sleep.  I let too much weigh on me and it is taking its toll.. I think most of it is work stress.. There is a crap ton of stuff going on.... and I need to get a handle on it... I keep getting farther and farther behind... and I actually worry about my students... as well as the fact that I have a very high work ethic... and need to make certain the things I do are done correctly.  There still isn't enough time to do everything... as I'm covering so many positions... but there are still important things that aren't getting done... I'm supposed to be teaching my students how to hold a job... and they can't even clean the bathroom to my satisfaction. I wonder if maybe I just don't think like a normal guy... but the guys in my classroom aren't what I would say very domesticated... I don't really look at myself as highly domesticated either... but I work on making stuff clean... I think that mos...

Timing... most things don't work if the timing is off.. an engine has to be timed just right so that the shaft is turned by the cylinders as they fire... life is like that too.. If the timing is off.. some relationships never stand a chance...  Many times we think we know what's best for another person... or we tend to ignore red flags... and we end up making more of a mess of our lives than ever. There's just no way that a person can know what our actions will end up screwing up... Sometimes it's certain timing of events that get us to thinking about things.. Even if things seem like they might be going well, it becomes obvious at some point that maybe life has different plans for us.  It can be extremely frustrating to fall victim to the nudges of Fate. I sit alone in bed most nights wondering what might be the next thing I screw up... because it's pretty obvious by now that it's only a matter of time before I become a victim of my own overthinking. I have a ...

I find that I seem to lose focus of the lessons I learned...and however helpful I might think I am... or how much of a friend I try to be... there are so many things out of my control. I come across as this person who has an answer for everything, but it's actually just an opinion.. my opinion based on experiences. I will most times throw things out that go through my mind... just to find out I may have hurt someone in the process... that doesn't mean I didn't mean to say it... it just means that I lost my ability to try to tactfully say something. I feel like sometimes I invade the lives of my friends... and there are even times when I get close to someone... but I have to learn when to draw the line... because no matter how close I get... I can't change life circumstances... even if I wish things were different... all I can do is cause more of a conflict.. and that's wrong of me to even think in those terms... I recently had my eyes opened up to this fact... Peop...

Dad has decided he's on his way up today... probably... at least that is what he said yesterday evening. Who knows anymore... I don't really count on a whole lot happening until it actually happens..It's okay to prepare for the negative stuff, but until it comes about, there is no use in spending precious time worrying about it. Unfortunately, many times there are things that take us by surprise... and then we have to deal with it. I would love the lives of my friends and my own life to be as stress free as possible, but there is no way to avoid all the stress. All we can do is figure out the best way to deal with it.  I know that years ago, I let slip to my oldest daughter a major hint that I might be involved with someone... I still remember that well... it ended up with us talking about it.. and she cried... I haven't really told anyone about this... because it was a very difficult moment for me. When it comes down to it.. we do things that maybe we feel we shouldn...

Okay... so I awoke with a headache... I RARELY get headaches... I don't think it's a caffeine headache... or lack of water... so something else must be the cause. It seems like a lot of things can go wrong with a person... and sometimes they never even know it.  I know that even though we are resilient.... any kind of malady could happen at any time ... with anyone.. and then that is a game changer. We make all these plans.. even if we try to live in the here and now.. we can't help but slightly plan for the future... but who knows what will hit next.. We all try to stay away from heart attack.. stroke.. and definitely cancer... but there are just limited things we have control over.. and even then.. a malady can occur with almost no notice.  I think sometimes we just overlook the signs. Our bodies shouldn't hurt... get a little tired, maybe... but I think pain is always a sign something is wrong. I'm not saying that a person should become a hypochondriac.. because...

So it's been a decent weekend... even though I haven't accomplished much of what I needed to do... I just felt.. calmer... I'm not exactly sure why that is.. other than the fact that I'm not concerned about being on a timetable to getting everything done. I think that's caused me a bit of undue stress.. and that it's much better to just enjoy each day as it comes.. I do get a bit down on myself from time-to-time.. but I deal with that as it happens.  I think that maybe I'm instigating the setting of expectations that others may have on me.. I joke about how I'm always right... I do see myself in a positive light most of the time... but I try not to focus on my shortcomings... and I don't need people to be led into thinking I'm more of a friend than I actually am. I enjoy witty banter... I try to see the positive of both sides of a discussion.. and I work to not set expectations myself of any others... But for all of that... I know there are a lo...

I really don't know what I want to blog about... but something is wrong.. somewhere... I can just feel it. I don't even have it narrowed down to any specifics... Have you ever gotten that feeling?  I can try to chalk it up to paranoia, but that doesn't seem to cover it.  I think maybe I'm a bit strange at times. It's not like I want anything to be wrong.... Maybe I've forgotten something... but then if I've forgotten it.. until I remember what it is.. it won't get fixed. I know I'm behind at work... but that's pretty much a given these days. They are not approving any overtime, even though I am covering 3 positions at work... which really sucks pond scum. Dad is coming back Monday... he had surgery on his broken arm yesterday to remove a bone fragment. He was a bit out of it during our afternoon phone call. I really don't mind him coming up occasionally, as I can deal with it... but it is almost a monthly thing now... and I don't know ...

I have things about myself that I need to work on... the first thing might be the way I become an asshole and shoot people down when I feel like they are starting to get close to me. I can't really help that... I love the flirting... I enjoy the banter... but there are very few people I will allow to get close to me... especially if you haven't earned my trust... so... I am pretty frank in my statements. I told someone that we would never be more than friends... there are a lot of reasons why it would never happen, but the main one I sited was the fact that she was polyamorous.  I won't bounce back and forth to a lot of different people.. I've stated in no uncertain terms that I was monogamous... and I meant that... I might come across in a flirty manner at times... but I refuse to be intimate with more than one person in a given era... even if that happens... it's still my business, because I have many mental hurdles to overcome.. The trust issue is still huge for...

It's amazing what one sees if he or she pays attention... I'm as much of a busybody as anyone else... at least as far as my observations are concerned.... but I try not to get involved in drama if I can help it.. especially if it doesn't concern me specifically... or someone close to me.. still it's strange how certain people can do things... and not expect it to be obvious.. or that no one will find out. I'm not sharing specifics about anything I find... but it still all adds to my cynicism.  It's like people will say or do something...and they expect that to remain a secret.  Unfortunately, online, people have no secrets. Information gets passed along under the most tight-lipped crowd. My outlook is that I really don't care anymore... I'm living for me... for the day I'm currently in... and I refuse to address this issues of unfaithfulness... or cheating.. I made that post several days ago and I meant what I said.  The odd thing is that maybe some...

So ...I wrote about my dad visiting earlier.. and now I'm not so certain he'll come... Seems he broke his arm.. and it's in a cast.. or splint ...or something... The thing is.. my dad is the type that would do something like that.. just to gain sympathy... I am not saying that he did in this case, but it was just after an argument with my youngest sister... and they're still not sure how he could have broken it in the location he was in... but it is possible. You would think dad wouldn't be coming now, but that remains to be seen... he's stubborn enough that if he wanted to come... he'd still brave the 11 hour drive with two broken legs if that were the case. I guess I get some of my stubborn streak honestly. I know I'm a stubborn person... and when I was younger... I was spoiled.. always wanting to have my way about things... I still want my way, but I'd like to think that I have opened up my viewpoint to compromising on things... and am understand...

I'm having a motivation factor issue. I want to get stuff done, but I seem to sidetrack myself.  It seems something always comes up... or maybe I'm just good at focusing my attentions elsewhere. I have many things I want to work on... but I tend to end up just rehashing some of the work I've already done... My dad called this morning and says he's coming back up... AGAIN... I thought I'd at least get a month or two of a break... but it seems not. I need to get a mattress pad on the bed he's going to sleep on... I don't know if I can talk him out of coming or not... He is irritated that my sisters won't talk to him... and I know why... most of our conversations are spent with him telling me what I need to do... and when he comes it's no different... I think I'm not going to go out anywhere... and I will spend most of my time in a different room... I've made it too fun for him by getting out and going places... at least if he comes this time, ...

I recently made a post in a forum on one of the sites I visited... the thread was titled "Jealousy and hurt feelings" It went like this: I've been off and on this site for quite awhile... and only once that I can remember did I ever concurrently get intimate with more than one person at a time.. that was way back when I was a noob and didn't realize that the site was full of people who were here just seeking someone who would listen.. understand.. and perhaps identify with what was going on in their life. As weird as it sounds, I was monogamous in any relationship I was in.. because it was a place of refuge from my non-existent relationship with my now ex-spouse. I still say that there are a varying degree of interactions here and the main thing to avoid hurt feelings or jealousy is for anyone who choose to engage in those interactions to be on the same page... I can understand when people are stuck in a marriage that they cannot leave and no longer feel the ...

It seems as though I'm at an impasse. I start back to unpack... and I get distracted.. most of the time it's me that distracts myself. I want to get finished, it just seems as though all the stuff I have left is small stuff that requires a unique place to store. Sometimes I feel like just throwing a bunch of stuff away... but at the same time, I know I will use it.. and then I'll have to go out and buy it again.  I've discovered one thing through this whole move... I have more things than I ever thought I had.  Work is going decently, but there are these possible plans that weigh heavily on me... Yes, I have the new union steward position where it will require me to go to training next month for a week... so I will be just south of DC for about a week. I'll have to figure out someone to watch my house while I'm gone. I'll be leaving a month from today... it's going to be an interesting training session. I also have fire training using GIS equipment...

Sometimes I wonder about how much of a friend I actually am to some... and exactly how much of a friend they really are to me.  There are varying levels of friendship. I try to exhibit the same levels that are afforded to me by people... so that I don't mistake something as a close friendship when it is only a casual one... or an extremely close one.. as one that is only a close one.. It's really difficult to determine how much a person actually trusts you. I have a very few close friendships... and there is actually no one that I've opened myself up completely to.. only because no one completely opens up to me.  I've learned over the years that we all keep our secrets... which is completely okay.. I am pretty direct.. very straightforward.. and I know quite a bit about 2 or 3 people... as they know quite a bit about me.. I guess those could be considered close. I have no qualms about sharing anything about myself. I do it here.. but my feelings are a different matter....

I've been offline for awhile... not having cable or internet sucks pond scum... but even when I had it back on... I was hesitant to get back on for a few days... I've been spending the weekend being productive. I haven't even plugged up my computer... as what limited access to the internet I've had is through my phone... but I'm all moved... mostly unpacked... (I still have about a dozen boxes... I've done laundry out the wazoo... and have placed most of my stuff as I unboxed and cleaned it...  My kitchen still has a way to go... but that's going to be a focus for a little while now as I have to buy some organizational tools. I was contacted by a friend today with something that actually made me laugh... that I was pining away for her... we haven't spoken for years.. but still don't text all that much.. not on a regular basis anyway. It seems someone has a weird idea that I'm pining away for her and that I'm so distraught that I can barely...

Yesterday was a tiresome day... today will be even moreso... I keep adjusting my plan. If I can find a truck, I might have everything moved this weekend... then I can just concentrate on getting stuff unpacked and cleaning my old place. I spent most of yesterday moving boxes I had packed already.... now that I have a bit more room in my apartment, I will try to get everything else into boxes. It's sort of sad that I can pack my life into boxes for the most part.. I only have 7 pieces of furniture... and none of those are really big... except for my couch.. and it's not huge.  I need to concentrate on getting more furniture at some point.. when I can afford it, of course.  I am moving most everything myself.. Dad has been good at supervising... apparently, that's his self-appointed job.  Still, he is driving his vehicle and saving me a bit of time driving back and forth... so that's something. I'm just looking forward to getting through this. I am supposed to get ...

Roto-Rooter... that's the word for yesterday... that's what I felt like afterward... that I felt hollowed out and groggy... I didn't like any part of it.. I already knew I wouldn't make a good homosexual... but my suspicions were confirmed... that and pegging.. definitely wouldn't want that either. I have gotten into the moving spirit.. at least just a bit... I've started making major impacts in my packing... so I won't be blogging as long as I can channel my energy into a positive direction like that. I hope to get it all done within the next week or so. but as I'm sorta alone in all this...as usual.. I think it'll be a slow go most of the time.  Sure, my dad is here... but I don't think he will make much of an impact on my move in a positive direction... he gets around slowly and can't carry much at a time... he sometimes stumbles a little as he is walking... but he IS my dad.. and I love him.  I will deal with what I have to for the tim...