Under my Hat

I've learned long ago.. never say never.. and sometimes things change... but life is ever changing.. and we just need to roll with the punches.  I guess it's just something I need to figure out on my own.. whatever is going on in my life... is just something I will have to keep an open mind with.. I figure that I must make my own destiny happen, so I will do what I need to do to make an effort and keep my life going forward. I don't care who judges me or what they have to say.. I have no ill feelings for anyone.. and I will try to continue with that outlook.  Sometimes I wonder how things got to the point they are now.. but I don't see the reason to hold onto grudges.. they just keep your life from moving by keeping you in the past... and I have my whole future to look forward to.  Who knows what will happen?

I'm almost certain that fate has a tendency to sit back and laugh at me... I think we all have had moments in our life where we feel that way.  It's like having a porche sitting in your driveway but no gas to take it anywhere.  I have so much to give... and know that with the right person, I could have had a very productive life in all aspects... but at the moment... my car is out of the race.  That's all life is sometimes.. just a race to get to the next pit stop.  We rush around the track trying to get things done... for those few brief moments where we can pull in and stop... and know that everything is being handled by someone else... but guess what... I'm my own pit crew.. When I pull in for a break... I'm the one that has to jump out and change my tires.. and get my own gas.  It's horrible having the feeling that you really can't depend on anyone else to just give you a few minutes break from life each day...  So I refuel... and get back out on the tr...

I sometimes wonder what causes me to open my big mouth... especially when I have more on my plate than I can possibly get done... well.. I don't have a clue.... but when the idea comes up for us to have a barbeque.. the first question was... "who here can cook?" "Ummmmmm... I can." "Good... your elected." The thing is.. when that question was asked... they talked about throwing a small party for one of our instructors who will be retiring after 25 years of service.. I had no clue I was actually volunteering for anything.. nor that the party would grow to include the entire center...  So I have to shut down what I'm doing today at 9 am... so that I can go get this huge outdoor grill.. and get everything together from the cafeteria to cook.. Time that I could be using to do all this other stuff that I'm falling behind on... well.. such is life.. I find that the more I look at things... the more frustrated I get that people can't see comm...

So... what causes people to behave as though they have no sense.. I'd say its varied for varied people but for  me.. it was Angela Mills..... I won't say her last name to protect the innocent ...but in the first grade... I saw someone that my head got all dizzy every time I saw her... I stuttered.. and became literally a bumbling idiot..  I wrote her a love poem and she threw it away... it broke my heart... but that didn't stop my ineptness every time she was in my vicinity.. so she moved to another district.. and it was 6th grade before I ever saw her again.... but even then.. my head would sway and my tongue would become 10 times bigger whenever I was near her.. so I thought it best to keep my mouth shut... all through the rest of school, I would admire her from afar... and put her on such a pedestal that no one ever came close.. sure there were girls I found attractive.. and those I admired... but I always compared them to her... but I think in my mind.. I was only compa...

Lately, it's gone from the frying pan and into the fire at work... It seems as though everyone is trying to fix all these superficial issues at our center just so we can look good by appearances only... That's what most people seem to do... I know I've said that people judge you based on appearances.. but that doesn't change what's going on deeper. it makes no difference what is actually happening.. Is that how most people live?  Is that how most people find happiness?  To live with things not being completely as they seem?   I've been doing it for a long time in my marriage.. and it's kept down issues with my daughters..  I suppose that's how people view relationships sometimes too... is it better to just settle for what you can have.. instead of going for what you want?  I suppose then it means being sad only part of the time.. when reality sets in... instead of never being happy.  But then you get down to the issue of ... is it just a bandage on a bro...

I've always wondered why people can't see themselves from the outside looking in... sometimes I wonder if I have that same issue... I mean if so many people can't see it.. who's to say that I don't?  I have students that I sit with and counsel... and when I try to be general and not insulting, they don't usually catch on that they have some of the same characteristics I'm talking about... I think that's the way of most people though... and since I see that in most people... I sometimes wonder if I'm not like that myself....   I'm no longer on a road to enlightenment... I'm not even sure if I'm on a dusty path anymore... all I know is that I keep moving forward... if only a step at a time.  I have sort of lost track with my diet.  I've not gained a whole lot yet.. but I have let a few pounds pile back on... I think part of that is stress.. and part of it is a somewhat lower self-esteem...  That's going to sound strange, because I r...

Each morning I wake up.. as everyone else does.. wondering what the day has in store.. and for quite awhile, I have this massive black cloud  over my life.. only because I choose to let it linger there.  I really wish I could fix it.. but it will take drastic action on my part to make it go away.  I am always thinking that maybe things will get better if I wait long enough, but in reality, I need to start making plans.. now..  That way if nothing happens on its own, I am still ready to take over and do what I need to do. I think every Monday... I wake up with the idea that this week is going to be different. that something of consequence will happen this week.. and even though I'm not exactly sure what that will be.. as the week rolls on.. I realize that this week is going to be like any other.. and nothing is happening.  I need to learn to be self sufficient.. which I am mostly anyway... but I need not to worry about what is going on with others.. and just ta...

Sleeping is overrated sometimes... I tried to sleep earlier.. because I really felt tired.. but sometimes I just let life overwhelm me.... and I end up having my soul agitated.  There is so much going on at work.. that it all is starting to weigh heavily on me.. along with all the regular bullshit I get here at home... the stuff I've blogged about so many times that I'd feel unjustified in having to bring it up again.   We all have a set pattern of sleep.. for the most part anyway.... our bodies get used to it.. and then we develop a norm.. or routine.  Even now.. with me up at 1 am... I could stay up another hour or so.. and still probably my eyes would pop open at 5 am... I don't like that... well.. in one sense... in another.. it keeps me from being late at my job... I feel a certain loyalty or dedication to my job.. even if it doesn't have a dedication to me.. the same as people.. I feel a certain bit of obligation to be there.. even though I really don't have t...

So I play dragon city on facebook.. it's okay to play... just because it involves breeding dragons to get new combinations.. and I guess the main reason I still do it.. is because my daughter will come in and want to know which new dragons I have.. so we spend time looking at the dragons.. she's into horses.. dragons.. seahorses, and unicorns.... oh.. and also pegasus items.. She tends to be more of a dreamer than her sister, although my oldest daughter does enjoy art and reading... I have never been all that into art.. mainly because I never felt I had the talent... but I encourage my daughters to follow their heart and do what they want... within reason of course... it's nice to be able to dream.. but the reality of this world.. and society in general is that in order to succeed, a person must generally conform to society's standards.  I've had students that have had a bit many piercings... or tattoos... and where it's okay in some circles.. it still doesn...

I got to thinking recently.. just because I erase people off my yahoo list.. does not take me off theirs.. I sometimes wonder who still sits there and watches me pop on and off.. but for the most part.. it doesn't really matter.. what's funny is I'm sure there are still people with such a bored life that they watch my light come on .. and go off.. and have nothing better to do.  What does it matter if I'm on your list or not.. I just thought it was an interesting observation... My list has narrowed down to less than half a dozen people.. and most of them are infrequent chats.. and mainly just in passing... I don't even know who all reads my blog anymore... but I'm sure some do.. as the bottom number keeps changing... I just wonder why?  People leave my life for a reason.. then go.. if a person doesn't wish to be my friend.. I don't have a problem with that.  Those who are still in my life.. are here because they want to be.. they don't observe.. they...

...another victim of incompetence... that's pretty much a norm for me.. I took my students out yesterday as I always do.... and bought them lunch at an all-you-can-eat buffet.. Chinese..  I took my debit card to the counter.. and ran it through... there was a ... "glitch".. so they ran it through again.. another "glitch".. so they ran it through again...  and again... finally it showed rejected... I didn't have enough cash on me to cover it... so I pulled out my backup card... it expired last month... yes.. that was my fault... so I took up a collection from the students.. but it still wasn't enough..  one of my students called a parent.. I had talked to this parent a few times... and been very helpful when she needed something.. so she offered to  pay and I could send the money through her daughter... I didn't want to do that.. but it was my only option... so.. using her card number.. it glitched again.. same as with mine.. I told them not to run it...

Today is food commodities day.... I've been active all week doing whatever I need to do.. There has been a lot of rumors still floating around about everything... and nothing is really being said.  No decisions have been made..   It seems sad that I have to base decisions on something else happening.... but that's the way life is.  Have you ever noticed that life seems to be a chain of events strung together.. and where things might not happen the way we want them to... it does pretty much link.. in a "cause and effect" sort of way.. I guess that's just the way things are meant to be.. It sucks... and not in a good way. I become more and more frustrated with my situation.. with where I am.. and at the moment.. just a few months seems like a lifetime.  I sometimes wonder if the concept of time.. somehow plays havoc with our minds... because I know when I'm enjoying something.. it seems like it's over in just a second.. but when I dread things happening... o...

Is there a force in the universe.. that just wants to antagonize us?  ...sometimes it feels that way... it seems as though each day is an antagonizing battle.. just to make it to the next day..  We spend our lives trying to protect ourselves.. but then we forget how to live... so we have to ask ourselves is it better to avoid all the pain... or to live an uneventful life?   We hide from life because we convince ourselves that the conflict out there isn't worth the risk.... and in some cases we are right.. I live the way I do.. because of this perception I have based on past experiences.. but just because I find it near impossible to trust anyone.. doesn't mean that I should give up on life and some of the other things it has to offer.  More and more times we tend to put things on hold in our life.. based on someone else doing something.. or something else happening.. in all actuality we should be savoring life on a daily basis.. it's just somewhat hard to do at times...

Why does someone choose to change gender?  ...I guess I don't.. and won't have an answer for that.. but one of my students.. currently a female.. is and has been undergoing the change for close to a year now.. has been on steroids.. I don't know what else.. as I really haven't been all that interested... I figure God gave me a body.. and made me who I am.. just like everyone else... I don't have any issues with homosexuality.. because people are just following who they are... instead of trying to change ....but then.. there's the question.. should we try to improve on what we are?.. are we saying God made a mistake?... or do people even believe God has a factor in determining sex.. male or female... I could sit and debate this all day.. and take either side.... but I'm leaning toward less tolerance for people who feel like it's not good to be one sex or another... embrace your thoughts.. and your inner person.. as well as your outer person... because tha...

I believe most people are full of crap... but there are a few truly sincere people in the world.. Either things give us issues.. or it's a benefit... you know in most languages everything is masculine or feminine.  The English language developed the term "neuter" ... this is supposed to be objects devoid of sexual characteristics...   what about people?... well.. I supposed they can be neuter... looking at my marriage I can relate to that term very well.... but I'm still confused on certain items... sure.. a skirt.. can probably be considered feminine.... and maybe boxer shorts masculine.... but what about a rock?... it's hard.. does that make it masculine?   Trees... they house and nurture animals.. feminine?    Who gets to decide all of this?  I want that job... I could really screw up a language then.  I think about how there are so many things in this world that might seem insignificant.. but really have a much greater bearing on life in general......

There are many times in our life when we don't listen.. we don't listen to ourselves.. we don't listen to our friends.. we don't listen to the universe as it screams at us not to do something... and we always end up paying the price in the long run.. If we can be completely open.. then we don't allow ourselves to get caught up in things that tear us down. I'm a strong believer in that... the universe has a plan.. and if we will just pay attention.. things go much easier for us.. it's when we balk.. or try to do our own thing.. when we get pummeled by life... or fate.  I have worked hard not to be so closed minded.. but most everything I'm subjected to is a negative thing.. My work.. my home.. my spouse.. my dad.. there is so much negativity around me.. I don't want to let it control me.. sometimes it's very difficult to overcome it.  ...and you know the old saying.. pride goeth before the fall.. well.. it's true.. sometimes we refuse to admit...

There is no use revisiting the past.. I had a few minutes today to stroll down memory lane.. by reading some old conversations.. why I did it, I don't know.. but I did it just the same... all it brought forth was more wondering of why people say things they don't mean.. I try not to do that...  nevermind.. I'm beating a dead horse again.. I've just been sitting here most of the day by myself.. my dad had to stay with my grandmother.. so it was late before he would be free... my sister took him out to eat.. she invited me, but I really didn't want to go... besides she invited my spouse and daughters... and they were gone most of the day.. oh... btw.. It's Father's Day... just another day around this house... they came back just a short bit ago.. and gave me my present... I got a jar of peanuts. I know.. some of you would think that is inadequate.. but I just appreciate the fact they got me something... what it was.. doesn't matter.. my youngest let me hug...

Have you ever wondered why there are so many useless things in this world?  I remember when I had my gall bladder removed.... thinking... wait.. don't I need that?  ...and it does aid in digestion... but I function just fine without it.. same with appendix.. or tonsils... people have them removed all the time.. and go forth with a fruitful life without much adjustment at all. I spoke yesterday of my "bucket list"  ... this is an ever changing list..  I suppose since my thoughts and attitudes change somewhat.. but there are still things on it that I truly would love to accomplish... the cruise.. is number one.. deep sea fishing would be up there... visiting or staying overnight in a castle.. there are many more items on my list.. but I'm hoping just to accomplish a few of them.... when I was younger.. a threesome was actually on my list.. but my attitude has changed to the point where I would no longer consider it...  I would like to see the pacific ocean at some...

Will power... I've always said that a person can do anything they set their mind to... the problem is that most times people aren't willing to put forth the effort it takes to do anything major.  The greater the reward.... the greater the effort will take. Sometimes I wonder if there is much reason to put forth any effort.  Right now I know that any effort toward any changes will be somewhat fruitless... but I still continue to strive to be the best person I can be on a continual basis... What does that entail?  ...I might consider myself a good person.. but what about the people around me?  Does it really matter? It seems like the deeper I dig into this.. the more questions I come up with.. In seeking answers, sometimes we tend to wind up more confused than ever.  There are times I want to give up putting any effort into my life whatsoever.. but then I can't complain if I don't take an active part in it.. I don't like being passive.. and at this point, there's ...

Still no budget worked out yet... but they've made speculations that student enrollment will be cut by 1/4... The way the program works... we get so much money for each student...so that means our budget will be cut by 1/4 also... but again... this is just rumor.. because nothing official has been announced.  Doesn't matter.. my plans haven't changed... just slightly delayed again... Waiting on my 3 year mark in August.. then I'm out of there. I could use a week or two off... I don't know what I'm going to end up doing during that time.... but I will end up taking some time off.  We are supposed to have our review in July.  It is at that time where I look for the shit to hit the fan.  If these people have any intelligence whatsoever, they'll see all of the deficiencies at the center... and we'll be gone soon afterwards... of course there have been major issues since I got there... and it steadily gets worse. I am just not feeling the blog today.........

I'm a prostitute... or at least sometimes I feel that way. I sell my services each day and feel like I get screwed many times in the process.  I get used for my talents... and provide a wide variety of services.. even beyond the realm of my position description.  I provide relief for most of the people there.. not sexual mind you... but I am supporting the center in so many ways... I don't really enjoy having myself used the way I am... but I am tolerant.. it's the only fucking I get nowadays...  But seriously.... I have felt compromised several times in supporting the center.. when I see that a lot of what they do is completely asinine.. I almost don't want to be considered a part of any of it.. and I never want to be grouped into the same category as the person who makes such ignorant decisions concerning some of the policies and procedures... or lack thereof. For some reason.. it gets easier and easier to get worked up over my job.  Makes me think that's a cue ...

I have to say I am not thankful enough... I tend to look upon the negative things in my life... and overlook the positive.... doesn't matter that the amount of negative outnumbers the positive.. it's just something there to bring me down.. and I won't let that happen.  I tend to gravitate toward the path of least resistance.. sort of like electricity ;)  ....but I know I have too many good qualities to let life get me down  ....at least for very long.   We all tend to work toward goals.. and we all have to overcome the trials and tribulations of life... some of us lose sight of what we truly want.  I have the ability to make changes in my life... if not major ones at the moment, then at least a few things to make it a bit better.  I need to stop wasting my life and actually get on with it... to do more constructive things than I've been doing.  I can't complain about the way things are if I don't take an active part to change what I can. As much as I h...

I know I've mentioned it before.... but I believe in ESP.. I'm not sure to what extent I believe it.. but I think we all get.. feelings... or things that the universe has a way of telling us about what is going to happen..   maybe not in great detail... but a gentle nudge.  I also think that most people are so wrapped up in their own life... or so out of tune with themselves that they usually miss it.  I cannot see what I want to see.... nor do I see great detail.. but when it happens.. I just know things... sometimes we can misinterpret the signals we get.  I rarely get them for me.. usually it's someone else I know... but often times I think I just need to keep quiet because I'm not sure what I'm seeing or feeling.. in that respect.  I know it almost never works for myself.. or in my favor... but that might be because of my pessimistic tendencies concerning my own life and future.  I do work hard to try to overcome that... but it's so difficult at times. ...

Not sure that I really wanted to blog.. but I figured I would start typing and see what comes out.  There's not really much on my mind right now... as I seem to have been continuing in my rut in life... I don't need to worry about things until they come to pass. I believe that people spend too much time worrying.  I also believe that people spend too much time hiding from life in general.  We all have ways of coping with the stresses of life.. and most of us retreat into one thing or another...  Sometimes we have people in our life that we use to deal with our inadequate environment.  We become complacent in being sedimentary.... not moving forward  or living in the past... where we don't have to put forth any effort. I think maybe we don't have the confidence in ourselves to do the things we wish to do... and most of our life is spent cowering from who we wish to be... so we live out our lives doing what we have to do to get through it... to catch brief gl...

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...

I only work a half day today...  Spending this evening at my niece's wedding.  Her fiance was hit by a car on Tuesday while he was jogging in Louisville.. on a crosswalk.. damaged his leg, so they won't be able to spend 2 weeks in Ireland like they planned.. but he said he was going through with the wedding.. even if he had to be pushed in a wheelchair.  I want to scream to both of them.... Wait!  ...Stop!  ...Run Away!!  but maybe they'll be one of the few lucky ones that can make things work.  My dad is coming by and letting me drive up there... because he isn't sure about where it is.. and I actually know the place... I take my students testing on the same block where the church is located. It seems as though the transition at work to the new acting director is going along decently.. he actually passed through the classroom yesterday... which center directors never do.. as they are always too busy. We are trying to put bandages on a center that's ...

Federal investigation yesterday..  the day ended with our director being "reassigned" indefinitely... so I suppose that just adds more drama to the mix.  I don't know the full details, but the rumor and innuendo is flying about all sorts of misconduct with him.. and another of our staff members... I have never been stupid enough to even consider something like that.  I've always maintained my professionalism at work.. for the most part anyway... I joke around.. but I don't ever let sex or sexual connotations be involved in the work environment. I just know better.   Of course if I was getting some of the benefits that are being discussed... who knows.. I might have just let him have his way with me as well... (I am kidding of course)  ....still it would be the most sex I've had since last year.   No.. I'm not about to "switch teams"  ...and I wouldn't ever consider it.  I maintain an open mind about most things.. but that's just something...

I'm irritated... I got my midyear review. The director says he's going to do mine.. even though he doesn't observe me 99 percent of the time.  My direct supervisor was instructed to go over my review with me. He was as shocked as I was over it.  I got an outstanding rating in doing my part of the job and in my interaction with others... but the most crucial element... doing what I can to promote the mission goals of the center.. I got a "meets expectations"  ...okay... so they want a mediocre job... that's what they are going to get.  I have dozens of duties that I'm currently doing that are not a part of my job description because I am trying to promote the center and help it in any way I can... those will cease almost immediately.  If I am being told that it makes no difference how hard I bust my ass and pick up all other kinds of responsibilities, that I am average... well.. I need to go ahead and look for work elsewhere.  I will continue to stay with t...

All our lives we work toward something.. most of us are working to get more financially secure... some of us just want emotional stability. some just want to enjoy life and what it has to offer. There is no way that we can determine how our life is going to go.. because outside influences cannot be accounted for.  We can plan all we want.. but people are fickle.. I've said this before... and because there is so much inconsistency in the thoughts and actions of some others.. we can't base our happiness on them.. we have to watch for ourselves the actions we take.. we have to be prepared to be disappointed many times in life... but we also need to figure out exactly what it is we want.. and stick with it.. because if a person keeps changing their goals... they will almost certainly never meet them.  I've said before that most people don't have a clue what they really want.. that's one of the reasons that people are never happy for long periods of time.  I've been ...

Have you ever wondered where time goes? does it take energy to move time along?  Are we having that energy absorbed from us?  I know these are strange questions.. but I kind of wonder if we get older and more worn because the energy for anything to happen.. has to come from somewhere else.  I can even sit in my room and wait.. and I feel my body aging.. or at least I think I do.  I don't want to waste the time I have left in preparation for what might happen... I need to make things happen... I am looking forward to the next few days, because I am almost certain that a few questions about my job will be answered.  I need that.. I need just something to move forward in my life.  I am at the point now where I don't care whether I'm satisfied with the answers.. I just need answers to what is happening next.  I can deal with things.. I always have adjusted..  I have backup plans in case the center doesn't close... but I can only do things based on wha...

We all give things power in our lives.. when we devote a significant amount of time... or prioritize things at the top of our list of things to do.. that gives those things power over us.  I don't have a problem prioritizing my daughters in my life.. as I have said they will always be at the top of my list... but I feel sometimes that I do other things and let things I should be doing.. suffer.  Any time I need to get something done.. and I don't.. because I was doing something I wanted to do.. I have shown that I don't have the maturity to handle my time management skills properly.  I never want to put unimportant things in my life as a high priority.. I suppose that's why I have been to very few music concerts.. or don't have a set plan in my life most of the time.  There is nothing of major importance in my life that I need to devote the time and energy to.. except now I need to start studying.. in fact I've done a little bit of that today... I am able to tak...