Morning thoughts.

I thought that if I blogged... I could work through my feelings more quickly.. getting them out there.. and being able to find a release. ..but it doesn't work all that well..  My feelings are as strong as they ever were. I don't know what I'm hoping for.. I am not sure what could happen to give me a lift out of this low place I am currently in...  I am not certain I really want out.  My memories are still real to me.. as real as anything else I can feel.  I am working between 20 and 30 hours each week of overtime at the moment.  It should help out with building a nest egg. I come in each day.. and what few days I don't work over.. I play WoW.  At least it's something to do.  I am still certain that I won't get over my feelings.  I know that logically, the hurt I feel will pass in time.. but I am not sure if that applies if a person refuses to let go.  I want to hold on... even if it is painful.  I know that people might say.. it was only online..  but I took it further than that.. I took it offline.  It became a part of who I am. My relationship was as real as any I've ever had... at least to me.  I know myself pretty well.. I always have.  ...and knowing myself as I do, I know that I am still stuck.  Part of me.. a large part of me.. doesn't want a release.  I understand why some people can grieve the rest of their lives over a loved one.. and never move on. I won't allow any relationship to move beyond a certain point.  No one will be able to compete with a ghost... and that's what it would be.... a constant comparison of what I once thought I had.  It's not fair to put anyone through that... and even then.. Knowing what I do now... I could never be sure that I wouldn't be left again... that another person would decide that after turning over their heart to me.. that they would take it back..  and I won't allow that to happen.  It hurts.. for anyone to even get reasonably close.. they would have to be a martyr... because I am still going to push... and will continue to push people away.  I know I'm doing it.. but I won't trust anyone completely with my heart anymore..  I don't have it to give anyway.  My heart is still where it has been for the past year. Sooner or later, a person will realize that I can't be in that type of relationship with anyone else... and will move on.  I was in a relationship for over 17 years.. and still stuck with it for over 10 years even after knowing that it was doomed to fail.  I tried.. just not hard enough.  ...and the feelings I still feel.. are stronger than anything I ever felt with my spouse.  ...so I will be logical enough to know that eventually ... I might be able to put things aside.. but I also know it will be longer than 10 years. ...I once said that I would forgive anything.. and I will. I am not angry.. or mad.. or even upset now...  I am just sad.. that things are the way they are.  ...that I can't believe in the things that I thought I could.  ... that I can just hold to the few friends who can just be that.. friends..   for support.  Even after so long.. I think they will will be unable to deal with the low place that my life is resting in.  I can't offer much to anyone.  I just don't have it to offer, anymore.