Under my Hat

Christmas Day... I don't really feel it this year. I mean... my daughters seem happy enough, but both of them know about Santa now.. and where I've tried to explain that Santa is the spirit of Christmas.. and dwells in every heart during the holiday season, I'm not quite sure they get it.  I realize that this may be the last Christmas morning I am woken early to open presents under the tree. I won't be here next Christmas... but that's okay. I know even my youngest has accepted the fact that I'm moving out... in fact she's asked me a few times about it.. and if she can have my room when I'm gone. LOL.... kinda seems a bit funny once you think about it.  They left "Santa" cookies on the table beside the tree.. and I took a big bite before realizing it wasn't actually a cookie.. but an ornament they made from homemade playdoh.. the mixture is 2 cups of flour and 1 cup of salt... I had already swallowed a small chunk before the salt assaulted...

Been through ice the last few days... lots of time to take off between now and the end of the year... but I will get it in. I tend to not worry about much of anything lately. There's no need.. life is perfect... or at least headed in a perfect direction. I am still irritated at my boss and don't feel that I can truly talk to her without wanting to slap some sense into her... and I'm not a violent person... I don't like the feelings she provokes in me. I haven't felt those feelings before. I would never contemplate seriously hurting anyone on purpose... but with her.. I just want answers... show me WHY you would do such a thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I will just ride it out until I can go elsewhere... it won't be much longer anyway. I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone...

It's strange that people usually don't take some of the things said at face value... I told everyone that I'm no longer doing the backup computer work.. in fact, I don't have that access anymore, as I had them remove it... but still.. they call me anyway... so I just pass the buck and tell them to call my supervisor... doesn't help though.. she's not there most of the time.  I'm not sure how people tend to get away with some of the things they do..  It's like few people actually have a conscientious outlook when performing their jobs.  Whatever happened to taking pride in your work.. I am certain I've touched on this in a previous blog.. but it's irritating to think there are so many people out there just coasting through their day... and what they do directly affects so many lives.. maybe not directly.. but still causing some effect anyway.  Even in manufacturing... someone lets something go through that isn't exactly up to par... well.. no...

So.. I've been doing all this extra work... and on Friday I got kicked in the teeth... I finally got my review.. and my supervisor gave me "meets expectations" on all three areas I was evaluated in.. First... is concerning my support in the center in it's overall mission... which is measured in numbers... well.. out of over 1600 trades at the 125 centers, my trade is ranked number 12.. boosting the center's numbers well beyond the scope.. so what more do they want out of me?... what else could I do besides that?  I have to be higher than the top 1%?  secondly.. they talk about effectively carrying out the duties of my trade.. I have done everything asked of me plus about 30 other things that I documented for them... on a regular basis.. I've taken on several other roles other than my own...  lastly... is teamwork and partnerships... I dare them to find one person on the whole center who I haven't done several things outside the scope of my work... plus I ...

So... my blog posts are a bit more infrequent... doesn't mean I'm going to quit blogging anytime soon.. it just means I must be dealing with my issues more responsibly... so I don't feel the need to work them out here... which is a good thing I suppose.. but sometimes I miss blogging. I did tonight.. that's why I'm here. I have so much happening in my life right now... it's a bit overwhelming... but I enjoy the change.  I did get another notice from the state IRS saying I owe 311.00 in taxes from 2011... and looking at it more closely, I think they're right... hopefully this will be the last time I get picked on... just another added expense that I hadn't counted on..  but it'll all be okay.  I think most of life's little setbacks are only just that.. setbacks... we should take them in stride.. and keep pushing forward with ourselves so that we can get to where we truly want to be. I think most people tend to lose themselves when they enter th...

Woke up this morning with a slightly sore throat... considering everyone in the house has had some sort of "crud" going around.. I figured it was only a matter of time until it got it's way to me.  Still... I'm hoping I have the stamina to withstand most of it.  I have been through quite a bit.. but I'm willing to go through whatever else I need to... in order to get where I want to go.  I am still putting forth as much effort as I always have in living the life I have now... but I want to work toward something new... I want to make certain I'm always pushing toward my goals. Most people will set out a goal.. and then fall short when it gets delayed... or seems unattainable... but I will never give up.  I know where I'm headed... and I also know that I choose not to get there at any costs... I prefer to minimize the costs...  My spouse and I talked yesterday about the lawyer she hired... luckily it was only a $75 consultation....  she told me the lawyer w...

So... my boss is wanting me to work on my program... to get the things I need... but at the same time... she wants to cut our funding for Network+ certification. I don't know where things are headed, but I don't like sending people out not getting the necessary training for the computer jobs that I'm supposed to be finding them. It just seems like more and more things are getting screwed up where I work... and I really don't want to be involved in it if it's going to change that much.  I'm looking more diligently to get transferred to another area. I think about the future a lot now.. how things will change... but I don't want to be so wrapped up in looking to the future.. that I forget about where I am now... I seem to keep hoping things change.. but then I become lazy sometimes... hoping that things will just change themselves.. I see that.. I think most people are like that to a certain extent... maybe not exactly "lazy"... just not motivated t...

I am slightly bothered by my spouse going to a lawyer... but I understand why she did it. I mean.. she doesn't know if I'm going to try to take the kids... even though it should be apparent that I don't want to put my daughters in any environment that they would prefer not to be in.  I understand that their bond is with their mom... and I would never take that away from them... Did she think I wasn't telling the truth about how much she would receive from me?... Well..the lawyer only reinforced what I said... I was not planning on balking about anything... I will support my daughters to the best of my ability.. I think I'm becoming a bit paranoid about trusting her though... I have set my laptop screen saver to 2 minutes.. instead of the 15 minutes I had... because she had been looking through it when I left it for a bit. What purpose does it all serve?  I am not even certain she doesn't have someone reading this blog.. but I really don't care... I try not ...

It finally looks like another step is happening... my spouse confronted me with my online habits... she knows.. she has known quite awhile.. she's heard me through the walls.. but it's okay.. she still thinks it one particular person from a long time ago... but I told her that is over.. I didn't say when.. or how long it was.. no reason to throw things out that may or may not hurt her... I did tell her that I was a member of a flirting site since 2009... Dec.   The funny thing is some people in her family are telling her that I was married "online" in May 22, 2009.. I think that was just the day I noted on facebook that I was married.. but I'm not sure how to change or fix it... can't seem to delete things from your timeline.. so her relatives..at least the ones that can see my facebook page are trying to tell her I had some sort of online marriage then... which couldn't be farther from the truth.. and I told her so.  She has visited a lawyer... but t...

Sometimes I wonder about a lot of things... but occasionally things just happen.. things that I have no control over... and I just am thankful they do happen.  I have begun a journey that I have never been on before... one where I can see a probable future.. and there are no issues with it. I've always thought I'd know for sure when I met the right person... and at times I thought maybe I had... but I'm glad I've always said things happen for a reason... I don't mean to disrespect anyone I've ever been involved with, but I guess that it's good that things happened the way they did. I wouldn't have thought so at the time... but my life has nothing but positive energy flowing through it now.  I don't have to be anything different than who I am.. and I'm accepted for that. I've had many wonderful deep conversations and have learned that I don't have to be worried or concerned about anything anymore. Yes.. I've fallen off the deep end.. ...

We have the big boss lady and her entourage coming in this week.. all the managers are flipping out.. but there's not really anything they can do.. except try to baffle them with bullshit as they usually do and hope they fall for it.. I am kinda thinking that the center should have closed a long time ago.. but for some reason, they can't seem to see the obvious. I don't want anyone to lose their jobs.. well.. that's not true.. there are a couple that need to.. but in any case... I think the center could be such a much better place.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone there can really make that much of a difference while we still have the management in place that we have.  There is so much secretive talk and dealings going on behind the scenes.. sorta like in real life I suppose... but I am always trying to stay away from being drawn into that. I really can't say what is going to happen.. and I have very little say-so in any of it.. but I want to be out of where I am so b...

I wonder if what you eat affects your mood... I'm actually sure it does... to a certain point... but I'm not talking about short term mood.. I'm talking about your outlook on life.. for an extended period of time.. that is if you get your eating to follow a certain manner.  I have tried to get a handle on my eating.. and maybe not eat completely healthily, but not to glutton as much as I had a tendency to do... and I'm feeling much better... I'm working on getting my life back on track... and my plan is in place. I am just happy that fate and kismet seem to be supporting me now. I am all but certain that people believe my life is in a certain phase.. and that's perfectly fine by me. I would never tell anyone else how they should believe.. the fact that someone has something to believe in at all is a wonderful thing. We should always try to have some belief... even if that idea is completely foreign to those around us. I had a discussion not too long ago, and I ...

It's amazing how our bodies are sorta like this complex machine.. we're made out of all kinds of minerals put together in an extraordinary fashion... and somehow.. someway... it all just works.  It's really fascinating if you look at it from a science perspective... but it's miraculous if you look at it from a spiritual standpoint. Each and every one of us are a miracle in our own right.. we just don't see it... at least most don't.  Everyone is so worried about what happens next.. what are we working toward... and all other kinds of bullshit that in the end.. doesn't matter. Most people forget to live in the present.. and they end up watching their lives pass them by.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't think about the future.. and work toward a goal.. all I'm saying is that life is a journey... enjoy the trip. We get caught up in everyone else's lives and how they influence us... but that should be the other way around... I might come off as...

I haven't been as steady with my blogs as I have in the past... I guess there's just a lot of things that I post about and get out of my system. Still there is quite a bit in the way of opinions I have... whether that's a good thing or bad thing remains to be seen. I suppose there's always things we can talk about whether we feel an extreme amount of passion for them or not. For the most part, I think maybe I've gotten a bit lazy and am in such a good place I choose to just relax and not stir the pot.... but sometimes.. the pot needs to be stirred.. people need to have their thoughts provoked a bit. I don't like creating drama, but I still have an opinion and I'm going to share it with those people who want to read it. I am fairly active on two sites at the moment.. one of which was recently hacked to the point where it is currently being rebuilt. My whole outlook is are people so freakin' desperate that they just want to cause problems?  I mean.. if ...

On my path to self discovery, I've sort of lost sight of why I was getting there. I want to be happy... but I need to maintain my focus in order not to lose myself completely. I currently have the support in my life that I feel I need for that. I don't have to be any certain thing for any particular person.. I can just be me.. and that's good enough. It's not often that we can feel that way... most of the time, we get locked into having someone depend on us for one thing or another... not because they intend to.. but just because they are so lacking and needing something in their lives so badly... they want someone to fill that void. I'm glad to have found someone that enjoys my company the way I am.. I've always said.. I want to be with someone who WANTS me to be in their life.. but doesn't NEED me there.. a type of independence if you will. Still it's my fault that I made myself an integral part of the lives I've touched... causing a certain depen...

October is going to be a wonderful month.. I just know it.  I'm actually positive.. did you ever think you'd see  that again?  It's actually an amazing feeling... and  I'd forgotten how good it felt..actually.. there are some new feelings.. they're wonderful.. but completely indescribable. There are some people in this world that believe in soulmates... and to be honest, for me.. the verdict was still out.. but when you find someone who can finish your sentences... that shares the same brain in.. not only one or two.. or even a dozen things.. but in EVERYTHING... it's difficult not to believe.. Scary thought huh.. that someone can have my thoughts.. my attitudes ..trapped in another body.. It's freakily uncanny at times.. I wonder if things can be "too perfect" ...I have already let myself do something I said I never would again.. fall.. well.. climb down from my tower.. I won't even say she came up.. it was entirely me. She never pursued me.....

My daughter is having an MRI done on her knee this Tuesday.. they don't think it's too serious, but they are being cautious.. I completely agree with that stance, especially since it's my daughter.. She is growing up quickly... she's already an inch taller than me.. and she's only 15. She is somewhat of a recluse.. I think part of that is because she is trapped out here like the rest of us... we don't live close to anyone or anything.. and maybe she is afraid of what is out there.... my spouse has made her live a reclusive existence... she is sort of like me in that respect.. I would love to see her in a less rural setting.. and making more friends.. I know she has a decent head on her shoulders.. I just hope she uses it when she does start getting out. I worry about them.. and probably always will...  well.. I won't say worry.. as much as I have concerns... but life is our best teacher... we have to go through certain hardships to learn and build experienc...

I think I'm letting work get to me... I wasn't able to sleep well last night.. as I woke up from 3 - 4 this morning.. then grabbed about a 45 min of nap time... There are a few concerns in my life.. but most of it I think might be anxiety.. I want to get away from where I'm working. ...don't get me wrong.. I love doing what I do.. I feel I do a terrific job of it.. I just feel that the management at our center is completely steering us in a wrong direction.  There is a lack of communication... a lack of respect.. a lack of accountability.  Because of this.. and my need to be out of this location, I feel like I am overly anxious to get another job and get moved.. This might be part of what is keeping me awake.  Another part of me is worried about my daughter... she hurt her knee last year in phys ed.. and it bothers her every once in a while... well..now it's bothering her consistently, so she is going today to a specialist. I hope it's something easily correcta...

I seem to get closer and closer to what I have been seeking for years now... some freedom... but it still seems just out of reach.  My spouse has a dependable car now.. My daughters both know I'm moving to another state.. my dad is certain of it too.. he just refuses to accept the way things are... and ignores any and all comments. My daughter has hurt her knee... we're not sure how it happened, but she is suppose to have a specialist look at it Friday.  I'm a little concerned over that, but I have faith that things will be okay. My daughters seem a bit more open now that my spouse and I are talking regularly.  Most of what she and I talk about are plans we are getting together for the divorce.  I'm still trying to work out how to pay for that... although I'm still waiting for a bonus I was supposed to get at the end of last year. My union says I've won my grievance... but my local officials tell me I should just be glad we still have a job. Sounds like a bunch...

Sitting here in the doctor office..hoping this will be my last visit here... I'm fairly certain it will be.. just noticed a news announcement about a shooter in the DC area that open fired on several people in a Navy yard there.. I don't understand how people can do something like that.. but even less do I understand why we make such a big deal of it.. yes.. it is tragic.. yes it needs to be reported on to give the public information.. even since there might be two more people involved.. but don't sensationalize this. It seems like I've heard recap after recap monitoring all that has happened. This just gives fuel to those people who may be unstable enough to want the attention... good or bad.  I think at times we all tend to enjoy some attention... Children seek it and will act out to get it. We as adults tend to focus our actions in a more positive manner .. but still occasionally there are those that have never grown up.. the people in this group are susceptible to i...

Time just seems to stand still sometimes.  You know that moment in your life where you see a wide variety of endless opportunities... I appreciate where I am currently, but I don't want to make many mistakes along the way... I've made enough already. I know I'm going to make more. I can't always know exactly what is going to happen, but I have to just trust that I will make the right decisions when it comes to the important things in my life.  I haven't blogged in the last few days.. mainly because there is so much on my mind that when I sit down to blog, I get overloaded with things to say... even now.. there is so much I want to say. To my ex-involvements.. I know I wasn't always the perfect person.. and it was partially because of that... that we didn't work out.. although I won't take all the blame.  I suppose I wasn't what you needed in your life.. and I'm glad you discovered that although I wish the timing had been somewhat better than i...

I'm going to be happy... I am going to take each day as it comes.. and I am going to do for myself.  Had another talk with the spouse today.. and the conversations are getting easier and easier. She has already talked with my oldest and my oldest is just wondering why I haven't made a decision.. I think my youngest will be okay too.. my only concern is my dad.. he's been working both angles.. my daughters.. and me.  He knows my weakness.. he says something about me abandoning my daughters or putting them through hard times.. just about every time he talks to me.. and I let him get to me.  He is trying to manipulate me to get what he wants... he's always been that way and it's part of what irritates me.  Everyone knows that I am moving out.. I am certain my dad sees it coming.. he's just doing his best to delay it as long as possible in hopes that I'll give up on it. Anyway my spouse talks about how I will be dating and all she asks is that if I have someone...

I find that sometimes I'm wrong.. sometimes I'm right.. but most times.. it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. Things are still going to happen. I am certain I've done more than my share as far as upsetting people is concerned. I am okay with that. It seems that others all have their idea of what is good in their life.. and no one needs to consult me about it.. likewise I have no one to answer to.. but there are people in my life I like to let know what is going on. I think that various people fulfill different roles in our life.. and sometimes  it just seems that we end up leaning on other people at times. Then there are the users.. the ones that need to use people up and then move to another then another. I never want to be thought of that way.. but it doesn't matter if I am.. I know I'm not.  I have had many people in my life.. some have moved on.. and others have stuck it out for awhile.. but I need to find a balance in my life.. I am somewhat happy wher...

For some reason I keep waking up early... like 4:30... Actually I woke up a couple of times before then.. but was able to go back to sleep.  I'm really NOT a morning person.. although.. I can keep saying that.. and evidently I am becoming one. I have this fantasy of being awoken by oral sex.. and then moving into a sexual session that lasts all day... not being able to move after 8 or 9 hours... Just a fantasy.. I still have them.. even if I don't actually have the sex itself. I think our hopes and aspirations are what keep us moving sometimes.. Other than that.. my life isn't half bad... of course my job could be better.. but there are positive things there too. My home life needs improving... but I know I'm just in  a temporary stasis there too.. so I can handle things as they are.  I was beginning to wonder if things were actually going to change for awhile there.. but I am more hopeful now than ever before.. so it has given me a second wind. I've been "pla...

Public service announcement.. if  you don't want to hear another one of my blogs about trust.. just stop right here.. because that's pretty much what I'm gonna rant about.  People trust me.. or they don't trust me.. and if they don't.. it's not my issue. I don't trust most people either.. that's just the way life is.. but at some point.. you have to trust someone.. at least to a certain extent.. It's been said to me.. if you like me.. you'll trust me.. no... I will listen to you.. and try to work through my feelings of mistrust... I have few people on my yahoo list.. do I trust them completely... of course not.. but I trust them quite a bit.. some more than others.. When I first start talking to a friend.. and I can remember one friend in particular.. she said.. "We are friends"  ...my response was.. no.. not yet.. but we have the capability of being great friends.. and over time.. she's given me nothing to mistrust her about.. so ...

I can trace back most mistakes in my life... to making spur of the moment.... or rash decisions.. then I develop this attitude that I just want to live day to day and not worry about things... I don't think that works.. I feel like I will end up making more mistakes... because of past experience.  If there is one thing about humans.. we should learn.. and learning involves using our brain to remember past thoughts.. or ideas.  So when I say I want to forget the past... and not live in it... that's not entirely accurate. Yes.. the past does have some control over me... as does it over everyone else... We learn.. we grow.. we develop certain attitudes based on what we know.. what we have seen.. and heard.. we were given 5 senses for a reason.. These are collectors of information.. that feed sensations into our brain... it's our brain that learns to interpret what we see... or hear.. or smell.. or taste.. or touch... To forget all of that... it's just not possible... we r...

Lying there.. my body warm anticipating with excitement as I see her approach... I feel a yearning growing inside the pit of my stomach... my sexual desire at full force as is evident by my body's reaction... I feel her body as she crawls over mine.. our skin creating a fiery friction as she straddles me.. then I wake up... and all is quiet.. the room is lonely.. and I am left in my present state.. Such is my life.  I have memories to hold on to.. but currently that is all I have.. I miss the touch of another person.. the tastes.. the sounds our bodies make.. but all of it is only brought about through vague recollections and fleeting dreams.   I don't like living this way.  I think that it is unnatural for us to go without human contact or face-to-face interaction.  I've adapted whatever was I could.. and am okay with just a bit of normal social banter... because I have to be.  But I honestly don't know what my mind is capable of believing in.  I'd like t...

I think we're lazy.. as humans we search for the easiest way to do things.. even if it takes 3 times the effort to do so.. That's why the U.S. has gotten to an overweight status... not that I really care much about any weight issues... it's just that most of us have gotten used to having things done for us.  Think back 50 years ago.. when we didn't have the 5 minutes meals.. we didn't have the magic of the internet to find things for us.. it took legwork... no remote controls.. I mean.. think about that.. we're too lazy to go touch something.. but we'll spend half an hour looking for some type of remote to a device ...instead of approaching the device and pushing a button... What's the deal.. are we that sedimentary in our lifestyle?  We will pay people to mow our yards.. to wash our cars... to do things that we say we don't have time for.. then we end up spending time goofing off.. or on something that is a complete waste of our time. We also hav...