Under my Hat

Ok... I'm sitting here in the Las Vegas airport... after getting here  3 1/2 hours in advance.  I'm one of those people that like to plan on case things go wrong... and most often do... so now... after eating breakfast in California Kitchen Pizza.. and buying a couple of souvenir shirts for my daughters... I have 45 min to wait before boarding ...I shouldn't get too cocky... anything can still happen.  I spent the whole weekend in Vegas... and didn't leave the hotel... I did wander about the hotel a bit..  as there was quite a bit to see... and the $40 buffet was better food and more choices than any other 5 places I've ever been. I am behind a total of $10... in the gambling... so I am not worried about losing the farm, so to speak... I would run upon things that under different circumstances ...would probably be much more enjoyable... next year the conference is to be held in Orlando ... hopefully I will be at a better place in my life... and can get enjoyment f...

It is 4:30 am here... I'm in one of the most amazing cities I've ever been in... the room I am staying in is the size of a small apartment... when I walked in... the lights came on... the curtains opened to a spectacular view.. and everything is controlled by a remote...either on the large tv.. or by the tablet by the king size heavenly bed.. I won't say the bed was orgasmic... but I honestly got my first erection in weeks... just lying in it the first time... just a sensory overload.. hasn't happened since. The bathroom is three divisions.. all separated by glass doors... the toilet... the double sink area.. and the tub area... you can fit 2 people into it easily ...I'm pretty sure of that, anyway. You step out of the tub into a shower area... and I sort of think the water is mineral water..  The conference has taken up most of my time..  and I was jet lagged the first night... and crashed right after the meeting let out. I have met the authors of my text books.....

Figures... I started off at 4 am... had taken great pains to diligently pack.. I arrived and parked in long term parking thinking the walk would do me some good... after walking all the way to the terminal... I noticed that my laptop wasn't on my shoulder... so I had a decent amount of time... and it was only a 30 min round trip walk... so... I hiked back to my car...to retrieve my laptop... ummmmm... it wasn't there... I had walked off and left it... after a quick call home to confirm this... I made my trek back to the terminal.. and worked my way to the ticket counter... I approached one of the automated machines ...and proceeded to find my reservation ...in the middle of printing my second boarding pass... my terminal got a windows error and locked up.. after a few minutes, I got the attention of one of the employees... so... after a short struggle with the machine... we sorted it all out and got my boarding passes printed.  Now... off to have my personal space violated at t...

Off today... getting ready for my weekend in Vegas.. I know I'll be busy for most of it.. Conference will take up a great deal of time.. with just a few hours each night for leisure activities.. not that I'm really concerned about leisure activities anyway.  I am sometimes thinking that something will happen.. just around the corner.. to change my life. I had a discussion yesterday concerning relationships.. I think that most everyone is in such an unstable place that it's difficult to take on a relationship where you feel that you might be inviting more chaos...but unfortunately there is no one out there.. that has achieved enlightenment.. so there will always be more issues invited into your world.. these are issues that a couple will need to work out.. It would be nice if we were all in a place where we understood what was going on with our lives.. or at least had a clue... I suppose some people are more aware of where they are... at least more than I am.. I don't ha...

Just found this.. and thought it was perfect... evidently it's a common enough excuse to warrant an ecard.

I think I was able to sleep last night.. for the first time in awhile... I got about 5 hours or so.. which is on par for me.. plus I fell asleep for a nap about mid-evening.. so.. I actually slept more last night than any two nights in awhile.. I wonder what causes our bodies to tell us we need to sleep.. I mean.. I know we get tired.. and our bodies have the urge to shut down in order to refresh.. but what actually causes it... I may end up looking that up.. There are a lot of things that happen.. or that we do.. and feel.. that there are really no plausible explanations for... such as caring about someone.. I don't think we choose who we want to care about.. and who we don't.. I remember feeling such feelings of panic several months ago... when I felt my walls start coming down.. and finally.. I gave in.. and let them come down.. That was stupid of me.. of course we all do stupid things.. things which cause us to wonder.. "WTF was I thinking" ...take drama for insta...

Back to work.. teaching the same things to people who haven't a clue about much involving computers... nor life in general for that matter.  Not saying I'm much better.. The older I get.. the more I realize that I know less than I thought I did previously.  I hate dealing in absolutes.. because absolutes.. are generally wrong.. very few things in life.. are absolute.. I know this sort of comes at odds with my feelings on everything being black and white.. but... if you look at it.. it doesn't have to.. I cannot say all people are.... something.. just like I can't say all women are... or all men are...   ..it's just not correct. I still feel like certain people.. are a certain way.. and they spend a better part of their life on a road to self-discovery.. so why should I be able to expect them to be open with me about who they are.. if they're not sure of who they are, themselves... I know I am finding out more and more about me.. so.. in the same sense.. I'm ...

I sometimes wonder why I am where I am.... most of the time... I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing.. I just make the best decisions I can... based on the information I have at that present time. There are many thoughts and ideas that go through my head during any given day. I figured for the most part... that people are generally the same... but I'm not so sure about that now.. maybe it's how we cope with the stresses of our lives that make us different. I'm the type of person to hold things in.. I won't bother other people with my issues.. in that way, I am somewhat passive... but if someone makes the effort.. to climb my walls.. and reach the point where I truly hide myself.. I am a very different person.. sort of like.. what someone sees on the outside.. really isn't me.. I try to be open.. and honest with the people who are open and honest with me.. it just seems as though I have a lot of trouble decyphering who that encompasses most of the time. I ...

I can slowly feel myself adjusting to the way things are... and it's completely okay. Do I feel sad?  ...of course.. but I know that I am the only one I can count on to understand who I am. I'm no better.. or worse.. than anyone else.. just different. I accidentally click on a history link to one of the sites.. reached to main page.. and panicked.. It bothered me that it bothered me so much to be there... if that makes sense.  I just want to put so much behind me.. but I know it'll take awhile. I've so many raw emotions attached to some of the people there... maybe in a way, I've traumatized myself.. but even thinking of interacting on the sites now just sends my brain into an utter state of chaos.. I'm not the type to ignore people...because that bothers me just the same... so I sit.. available for my friends.. and acquaintances. There is a part of me that never wants to socialize again... not on a wide level in any case.. I would be perfectly happy with a very...

It's really odd... but I think a person can talk themselves into almost anything... I am not a huge fan of deserts.. because many years ago.. I decided that I wasn't going to like them anymore... I can still eat them.. and they're okay... but I would much rather have another helping of a main course.. than desert.  I am wondering if my issue with sex will be the same.. I am now at the point where I don't want to have an erection... so I haven't.. I'm surprised, actually.. it will be 2 weeks tomorrow since my last one.. and I was a bit concerned about that at first.. now.. I have mixed feelings.. I think it will keep me from thinking with my small head.. and allow me to be a bit more conscious of my actions... but what if I decide at some point that I might want to have sex again.. I suppose things will take care of themselves...  I can see it being a test for my future mate... a quest.  How will I know? ...because I got a "stiffy" ...that's sort of...

Am I a good friend? .. probably not to everyone.. I am me... I don't have to declare that I am someone's friend.. I don't have to say.. I'm supporting you.. I don't have to ask to be anyone's friend.. I just have to be.. who I am. Those people who choose to be around.. to interact.. that's great.. but don't try.. just because you feel an obligation.. be who you want to be.. who you need to be.. and if we're friends.. it will just be.. there is no need to label friendship.. it just... is. Once you start labelling then you have.. casual friend?  good friend?  best friend? I treasure the people in my life.. but I don't want them to bend over backwards.. or be required to do anything to be my friend... there should be no.. expectation.. it should be natural.. ...or that's what is most comfortable to me.. still..that's telling someone how they should behave... to be a friend.. and that's wrong... a real friend.. should never have to declar...

Why is it that people feel the need to explain themselves... to try to justify doing something they have done?  Does that change anything?  no.. it does not.. Do they think it's going to be all better after they unload their burden.. maybe for them I guess.. but there's no reason to believe that it's going to make things all better. I've lost my trust. ...simple as that.  It really doesn't matter what anyone says to me at this point... I'm going to have difficulty believing it completely.. For me.. the actions are what says it all..  My actions right now.. probably tell everyone that I don't give a rat's ass.. and for the most part... that would be a correct assumption. I can't let myself care.... or believe.  Am I supposed to believe that reality changes in the blink of an eye? We all have our problems... our.. demons that we deal with.. I understand that.. I think we all have emotional issues that we have to work through.. I was willing to be a sup...

It's hot.. humid.. not comfortable at all.. but I don't really mind it.. it has matched my mood as of late.... miserable.  I have not made much attempt at all to contact anybody.. and I don't know when I will.. I figure those that care about what I'm going through.. will understand... those that don't.. well.. it doesn't really matter anyway... I probably am not the best friend material at the moment.. I do what I can.. I respond.. it's really all that's in me.. but I'm not going to take any initiative in anything at the moment.. I don't have the strength.. I'm using it all to keep from sinking back into a depressive mood. I've made over 300 posts in this blog.. ranging the whole range of emotion.. but most seem a bit depressing.  A lot of life is depressing.. I know that most everyone is not in much better shape than I am in.. or if they are.. they've learned how to be superficial.. I just never could get the hang of it.. I even trie...

"You're a good site boyfriend"  ...I was told that recently by a friend of mine.. I know what was meant.. I don't stray because I'm loyal.. I won't overly flirt with anyone else.. I don't do things behind someone's back.. I'm public enough to be a partner.. and will flirt back and forth in the threads with the person I'm with and do it with wit and intelligence.  I am very sexual in private.. can be very creative with virtual sex.. and have a distinctive phone voice...  and I am very accessible. I'm not attached in my homelife.. and I'm leaving my spouse.. so.. all in all.. I make almost the perfect cybermate.. I suppose I set myself up making people believe that maybe there's nothing wrong with me... and then when face to face.. they realize that I'm a  regular human being... with just as many flaws as the next person.. so.. the fantasy ends.. and the reality of who I am.. cannot compare with the fantasy I have created. I don...

Reality.. is actually that.. reality.. all we can do is choose to see things for what they are.. or try to, anyway.. or live in the fantasy. Fantasies... for the most part.... have an ending... I believe there are a few people who might be able to live most of their lives in the fantasy... but those are far and few between. The reality of my recent situation.. we chose to believe in something.. we wanted to make it a reality.. it was too different for one of us.. and then it was over... I can see where people can get caught up in the passion.. choose not to see things for the way they really are.. and then choose not to believe in it any longer.  For my understanding.. a good relationship takes work and commitment.. something evidently ours wasn't worth.. for her anyway.. So.. the only thing I can take from it was.. she realized that it wasn't enough to sustain itself.. at least in her eyes it wasn't. I can't help that I was totally involved in it.. that I gave everythi...

Ever wonder what's going to happen next?  ...that sometimes we think we have a handle on things.. and have it all figured out.. then BAM! That speeding truck of Fate comes from nowhere and knocks us flat on our asses. I have people in my life that are trying to reach out to .. help me?  ...but I don't really need help.  I'm not.. depressed.. not anymore.. I accept life at face value... which is just not quite as valuable as I once thought... I mean.. we live... we do stuff.. we die... what the "stuff" entails.. is entirely up to us. We all like to be happy... and do what is meaningful.. but when it comes down to it.. what actually is meaningful?  We have to set our certain code of standards... and live up to them.. but just because one's set of standards isn't as high as another's... doesn't make that person a bad person.. just different. We seem to all pass judgement on people based on our "higher" standards.. I am very guilty of that.. ...

It seems like more people become interested in what's going on with me.. when there is drama involved.  I really do try to stay away from the drama.. but it seems to find me.. no matter how passive I tend to be.. the latest drama.. was definitely an active reaction. I should never have "let off steam" ...posted crap about anyone.. or anything.. at least not on the sites I frequent. All my thoughts are going to be contained to this blog.. it is my haven.  I won't be on the sites for a long, long time anyway... if ever... I figure anyone that actually cares.. or wants to get in touch with me.. can.. most everyone that needs my messenger has it.. even though that list is fairly short.  Even so, I am probably going to trim it farther... I will try to occasionally check on the few people that have shown me some kindness and concern... but there are so many people who don't want anything substantial.. even in the way of friendship... I won't have room in my world fo...

Another day... after another restless night... last night it was cloudy.. so there was little moonlight.. the room was actually pretty dark. I lay there and thought about things.. I have lost a lot of my motivation. I had a strong work ethic.. but sometimes I wonder.. why?   what has it gotten me?  ...just more and more work to do... Sometimes I want to re-evaluate who I am.. I am not certain I like me at the moment.. and I need to work on that.. I think that at times.. we all.. stray.. from the path we put before ourselves. Some of us have ideas.. or plans.. As for myself, I'm a planner.. but it doesn't matter about a lot of what we try to plan for.. there are too many inconsistencies in the universe to really believe in anything substantial.. I have enough problem maintaining who I want to be.. sometimes I want to just say... "Fuck it... I've done all I feel like doing.. and now I just want to exist."  I'm tired of putting forth an effort. Maybe that's p...

I am still sort of ...drifting... I think many times when we are completely taken off balance.. it's okay to just not have any expectations of anything. I sometimes feel like I'm expected to do.. or say something.. but it isn't in me to live up to anyone's expectations right now. I can be okay with being me.. if I can figure out exactly who that "me" is.. I don't want to hurt anyone.. but I know I have.. I don't want to involve myself deeply in anything.. I'm afraid of any type of commitment. I don't even know how much of a friend I can be. I find difficulty in concentrating on any one assignment at work... I keep drifting back and forth to many different assignments.. I can't even really trust that I'll have a job in a few months anyway. I was contacted by the Veteran's administration in Milwaukee to reapply for a position I was passed over last year.. because I didn't have my time in... I could probably have it.. or at least q...

I said I'd never resort to sleep aides to help me sleep... but I am seriously reconsidering that statement. I am able to grab a few hours a night.. but most of it is spent lying in the darkness.. wondering... trying to reason out in my head who exactly I am.. who she was.. and what the problem was... I'm a logical thinker.. most of the time... I sometimes get derailed by emotion... as I did last week.. but logically.. none of what happens makes any sense. I try to piece it together.. but I'm still completely clueless. Everything was great.. we were happy.. we knew who each other was.. we met... she wasn't happy with who I was anymore.. or her thought processes about "us" ...went in a different direction. In either case.. it was brought about by her meeting with me.. no matter how you look at that.. it was our meeting that shed some light on what she felt... I was no longer what she wanted.... there is only two ways to look at that... either.. I disappointed he...

I have dreams.. these dreams are not sexual... but they're so...realistic. I wake up at all hours of the night.. Most of the time.. I can just shut my eyes.. relax.. and go back to sleep... but not lately... Right now all I can do is stare into the darkness and think. My thoughts are not always pleasant ones. I need to take back control of my mind and my heart... what little of either there is left. I don't even reach out to my friends.. I don't have the strength.. I respond ...when someone contacts me.. I still have that amount of decency... It's so difficult to maintain my composure when every moment I breathe reminds me of my inadequacies.. I try to keep myself occupied so that I have other things to think about... but even that is difficult in itself.  I am coherent enough to know that time will make the wounds heal.. but I'll always carry the scars.. and right now... I don't have many places left without scars. I don't want to fall into the "poor p...

I'm seriously trying my best not to fall into my frame of mind I was in a few months back... but it's getting difficult not to... My dad is probably coming for a visit today.. which makes things that much more annoying. I don't ask to feel this way... had I known this was a probable outcome.. I would have never went back online in February. Why do people not realize what they are capable of...BEFORE they make certain commitments.... to me.. if I meet someone.. that means I truly care about them enough to make sacrifices in my life... to turn my world around... I suppose my world did get turned around... just not in the fashion that I expected. This weekend seem so much colder than last weekend..  It was over 100 each day.. and just miserable to do much outside.. this weekend I just don't have the strength or desire.. to really want to do anything. I understand relationships end.. and to be perfectly honest... I pretty much expect all of them to now.  I fell hard... just...

Have you ever noticed that almost everyone has a way of looking at things.. that is based on their perception of a situation. Most often, the truth lies somewhere in between opposing viewpoints. People on either side of any conflict tend to gravitate toward what they want to believe. We lose all logical thought in those instances.. no matter how logical we say our thinking is.  Many times, most conflicts are a result of a misinterpretation... or miscommunication. The human side of us wants to believe we are always justified in the way we act.. and I realize that isn't quite always correct. I make my share of mistakes as well as the next person. The best I can do at the moment is to not add to that. I appreciate the things I've learned over the last few years...  I can actually say that I've learned a lot about the actions and perceptions of people.. but I seemed to have had a sharper learning curve with the online world than I have ever been subjected to in the real world. ...

I did a lot of thinking yesterday... maybe too much... Yes... I'm hurt.. but there's no reason for me to take it out on anyone. I've been hurt before... just in a different capacity. I said a few things that might be considered as cruel.. but anything I've said.. I have the statements logged to support it. I suppose there are any number of ways in which we can interpret what people say... and right now.. I am trying to use logic to interpret the words I hear. I know I've made some people upset.. and for a short period of time.. I thought about just posting everything here... all the conversation... just to show all I've said is true. ...but that isn't what this is about.. and all that would do.. is be antagonistic and cause more hard feelings for everyone. I am needing to back away a bit... not for anyone else.. but for me.. I had been wrestling with that for weeks now.. I still don't know why I hung around for as long as I did. I am not.. running away.....

So I had a chat with a few people... and no matter what I'm feeling.. this is still my blog.. some seem to think I should get over it and move on as though nothing happened... some seem to think that I should get it all out.. to be perfectly honest.. I don't know what I'm going to do... it was wrong of me.. to even imply that I was "lied" to... I think there were a lot of mistakes.. I believe that it takes two people to screw up a relationship.. and evidently mine was doomed from the start. I don't know how to be.. other than who I am.. I've always said that... and I am in real life.. nearly the same as I am ...online.. maybe there is something I'm not seeing... maybe something IS different about me that I'm just not aware of... I know that I couldn't put more into a relationship than I do... I do put everything that I am into caring for someone.. and I am completely devoted to that person. Maybe that's my mistake.. I don't care if it i...

The official astronomical tables tell us that Mercury will become stationary at the end of this week. But the optical illusion has already begun. The ruler of your sign is moving at a snail's pace. It is dragging its heels. Meanwhile, you are trying to avoid what seems like a date with an undesirable aspect of your own destiny. Or struggling to attain progress in an unsatisfactory area of life. Stop trying so hard, stop worrying so much. You need to allow something to end, so that something new and wonderful can begin. I just went back and read that.. it was written Saturday.. it was the horoscope for my week ahead... it was during this time that I was occupied on a weekend that I truly thought was going well... little did I know that I the cool breeze and the wonderful feeling was the feeling of falling.. and I didn't realize that the ground was so close.. nor so hard.  It is very difficult to put aside my past.. to actually believe in something.. and someone.. I did th...