Only Time Can Tell That.

Am I a good friend? .. probably not to everyone.. I am me... I don't have to declare that I am someone's friend.. I don't have to say.. I'm supporting you.. I don't have to ask to be anyone's friend.. I just have to be.. who I am. Those people who choose to be around.. to interact.. that's great.. but don't try.. just because you feel an obligation.. be who you want to be.. who you need to be.. and if we're friends.. it will just be.. there is no need to label friendship.. it just... is. Once you start labelling then you have.. casual friend?  good friend?  best friend? I treasure the people in my life.. but I don't want them to bend over backwards.. or be required to do anything to be my friend... there should be no.. expectation.. it should be natural.. ...or that's what is most comfortable to me.. still..that's telling someone how they should behave... to be a friend.. and that's wrong... a real friend.. should never have to declare it.. I have come to the conclusion that most people have an agenda... people grow together.. and people grow apart.. I have determined that I should just be happy with myself.. because ultimately.. that's who I have to depend on.. okay.. so I can get some words of encouragement from someone.. I've had people who hate my guts give me words of encouragement... that doesn't make them my friend.. I have had people walk out of my life after declaring their feelings for me.. I've been in relationships where that person doesn't have a clue about whether they want to be around me or not for any great length of time.. it's all.. temporary.. The best friend I ever had.. was a guy named Jeff.. we spent a lot of time together.. then we sorta led different lives.. followed different paths.. but we were able to get back together.. whenever either of us needed the other.. possibly after a few months without any communication.. and we were able to take back up where we left off.. I actually never told him he was my friend.. and he never told me.. we just were able to be ourselves.. I met him in 6th grade.. and he passed away just a few years ago.. from a heart attack.. he was 4 months younger than me.. Did he and I always agree?.. of course not.. but that was the beauty of our.. friendship.. we could disagree.. and still accept each other for  who we were.. I am not seeking to replace the wonderful friendship I had with him. I have very fond memories.. but that part of my life is gone now.. When he died... he took a bit of me with him... When I put a piece of myself into someone else's life.. and they walk away.. and I'm sure they're never coming back.. it hurts.. I am an emotional person.. but I look at things logically.. I suppose a lot of my relationship problems occur.. when I try to define what I want.. maybe I'm looking for a commitment that a person won't jump out of my life on purpose... but it doesn't really matter what anyone says.. there's always the chance that they will leave.. and take another piece of me with them. I suppose I am trying to be certain before I give a huge piece of myself.. that I won't end up losing it... but again.. one can never be certain of that.. I've lost so much of myself just in the past few years.. by trying to be selective about who I let close.. but it doesn't matter how certain I can try to be.. people will still take a piece of you... and then disappear.. There is not a whole lot of me left.. I'm very wary of trying to give much of me out.. so.. as I said before.. I am me.. that's all I can be.. people can learn to accept that.. and be a part of my life.. but don't ask me if I'm your friend... because only time can tell that.