For the rest of my life.

I'm seriously trying my best not to fall into my frame of mind I was in a few months back... but it's getting difficult not to... My dad is probably coming for a visit today.. which makes things that much more annoying. I don't ask to feel this way... had I known this was a probable outcome.. I would have never went back online in February. Why do people not realize what they are capable of...BEFORE they make certain commitments.... to me.. if I meet someone.. that means I truly care about them enough to make sacrifices in my life... to turn my world around... I suppose my world did get turned around... just not in the fashion that I expected. This weekend seem so much colder than last weekend..  It was over 100 each day.. and just miserable to do much outside.. this weekend I just don't have the strength or desire.. to really want to do anything. I understand relationships end.. and to be perfectly honest... I pretty much expect all of them to now.  I fell hard... just when I was starting to actually believe again... I don't cry nearly as much now..  a couple hours a day...  maybe a little more.... I woke up crying in my sleep last night.. several times.. I think I might actually look into seeing a psychiatrist if I don't stop... I can't concentrate on work yet.. I sit.. and watch movies.. and sometimes it takes my mind elsewhere.. I have a weekend in Vegas coming up for work.. and I will see what I feel like during that... maybe I can distract myself a bit there.. Right now.. there are just so many reminders of the past.. it's almost like I ripped the scab off and am bleeding again.. There are times when I just want to go to sleep.. and never wake up... I don't mean that I would ever cause anything to happen to myself.. it's just that sometimes.. I feel like I'm ready to go. It's not because of any one event.. or any one person... I just see that life is always going to be a struggle... I've been struggling the better part of the last 15 years.. and I'm tired.. It just seems that life... has won this one. No.... I'm not suicidal... I won't EVER do that.. I am just.. indifferent.. I do what I can to get through each day.. to make it to the next... I exist.. and I will continue to exist until some force beyond my control decides that it's my time. I will continue to try to sort out my feelings.. and I will do what I can.. to provide for my daughters.. even that.. I feel will be more difficult when I go... why am I going? ...because I cannot bear the lying.. leading people to believe that my spouse and I actually ARE married.. I am.. legally.. but I still lie on my bed.. in my room each night.. my head tucked into my pillow.. and I realize that maybe this is it.. alone each night.. for the rest of my life.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Everyone has an agenda.

How do we know how what repercussions will arise tomorrow from our actions.  I am atop my tower... watching the world from up here.. I see so much lies and deceit from up here.. I honestly do trust a few people now.. to a varying degree.. I just don't know when they can be sucked into a situation.. or do things they wouldn't normally do... based on misinformation.. or their perception.. I see so many people get tricked.. into making poor decisions.. People are gullible. The world is full of traps and deception. I think sometimes people get the idea that life is a game.. that dating requires intimacy... I see people start into online relationships.. and they figure that the first thing on the agenda is to explore the sexual chemistry... online relationships.. if they're truely ever going to mean anything.. need to be treated like real life.. you don't just jump into bed with someone you are just getting to know..  the online world.. moves at a much slower pace.. as far a...
Read more

Better Off Without Me In It.

When I read over some of my past blog entries... I feel like I come across as psycho-depressive.  Sure...I'm not as optimistic as I once was... but life tends to do that to people over a period of time.. There really isn't much wrong with me other than having a very cynical viewpoint on life. I don't mean to make it seem like I've been done wrongly.. or that I am never going to function in life.  I know a lot of what I post is about how I am okay.. but I can't stress that enough.  I don't really need much more than I have now.. except maybe a change of scenery with where I am living.  Any one of you who has felt trapped in a room for years and years would probably come across being just as cynical. ...I am not saying I've had it worse off than anyone else.. I'm just saying my experiences have been different... so to judge who I am.. or what I am.. or am not capable of.. is completely unfair.. of course... life is pretty much given to be unfair in the fir...
Read more