That Was My Big Mistake
I am still sort of ...drifting... I think many times when we are completely taken off balance.. it's okay to just not have any expectations of anything. I sometimes feel like I'm expected to do.. or say something.. but it isn't in me to live up to anyone's expectations right now. I can be okay with being me.. if I can figure out exactly who that "me" is.. I don't want to hurt anyone.. but I know I have.. I don't want to involve myself deeply in anything.. I'm afraid of any type of commitment. I don't even know how much of a friend I can be. I find difficulty in concentrating on any one assignment at work... I keep drifting back and forth to many different assignments.. I can't even really trust that I'll have a job in a few months anyway. I was contacted by the Veteran's administration in Milwaukee to reapply for a position I was passed over last year.. because I didn't have my time in... I could probably have it.. or at least qualify for it now.. it's a computer job.. but I am not going in that direction.. it's freakin' cold there.. and I just wouldn't feel comfortable in that city now. I am concerned that I could be offered a position in Oregon.. but I am not sure how I could go there either now. It's not like I have any ties there.. I'll figure out what I can do.. once they offer something somewhere.. for now.. it's just "business as usual" here.. I'll do my job.. and probably won't know anything definite until the day they announce the closing of the center. I can do that.. at least I'm sort of prepared for that. I've had a lot of issues in my life that I haven't been prepared for. I suppose I'm a bit of a control freak.. I like planning for things.. knowing what's going to happen.. I'm okay with some surprises.. but as a general rule.. I'm not enthused by the bad ones. I tend to focus on a lot of negativity in the last little bit.. but I will overcome that as time passes. I will spend more effort trying not to involve myself very deeply with anyone.. it's too much of a devastating blow to my soul when bad things eventually happen. I suppose most of it is my fault. I am still non-commital. I don't know how to make any promises.. that I know I can keep... so.. it's best not to make any at all. I am better off not having any expectations.. nor anyone having expectations of me. I really can't do it again.. I can't make myself believe in a whole lot.. I do believe that tomorrow will come.. and the next day.. and the next.. and I believe that I should try to prepare myself for the few things I am certain will come to pass.. but in retrospect.. I guess I should never have had any expectations of anything that's come before. That was my big mistake.
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