Everything Is Just So Frustrating.

Back to work.. teaching the same things to people who haven't a clue about much involving computers... nor life in general for that matter.  Not saying I'm much better.. The older I get.. the more I realize that I know less than I thought I did previously.  I hate dealing in absolutes.. because absolutes.. are generally wrong.. very few things in life.. are absolute.. I know this sort of comes at odds with my feelings on everything being black and white.. but... if you look at it.. it doesn't have to.. I cannot say all people are.... something.. just like I can't say all women are... or all men are...   ..it's just not correct. I still feel like certain people.. are a certain way.. and they spend a better part of their life on a road to self-discovery.. so why should I be able to expect them to be open with me about who they are.. if they're not sure of who they are, themselves... I know I am finding out more and more about me.. so.. in the same sense.. I'm not always completely honest with who I am.. although I choose to share my revelations to those people in my life that matter...  I suppose everyone matters to a certain extent... I have never meant to close anyone out of my life... but sometimes.. I have to distance myself from some people in order to keep them from hurting me as much.  I hate giving people the power to hurt me.. but I do so.. when I choose to open myself completely to them.. Relationships are tricky... even the short term relationships.. it's sort of like a catch 22... in order to draw the most from relationships.. a person has to let yourself go.. mind.. body and soul.. when I do that.. I share it with the person I've become intimate with... a very powerful experience.. but then... it also opens me up to lose that part of myself when that person pulls away...  I never know when that will happen.. because I'm not prepared... if I were.. then I wouldn't let myself go completely.. I would hold onto a part of myself.. but again.. that's not in my nature.. I am just saddened that I cannot do that anymore.. I can't risk losing more of  myself than I have.. I can think of 5 relationships in my life.. that have taken a great deal from me.. one being with my spouse... I have slowly lost a large part of who I am over 17 years.. but I do it as such a slow pace, I've been able to deal with it.. to a certain extent.. it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.. it does. I spent 2 years in a relationship in college.. only to have her cheat on me... to need something more than I was able to provide.. that seems to be the case with all of them.. only with my marriage.. it was communication.. we lost that years ago.. and then the trust went.. I guess I still trust her.. as a person.. I will never look at her as a wife.. a companion.. that's why I have to separate myself from this situation.. because she is slowly destroying the passion I have for life.. and for living...

My extramarital activities have been very selective.. I tried.. unsuccessfully to find someone who I felt could grow with me... but had minimum ties to their old life.. that's not really fair of me..  I have ties.. some of which I am trying to sever.. but I am still stuck in my situation for just a little while longer.  I want things to be different.. but I am unwilling to make any sacrifices now because I don't truly think I can let go of everything.. and it's not fair of me to expect anyone else to do so. I am trying to focus on the positive things in my life.. but unfortunately the negatives are fairly strong..

I am always trying to improve myself.. but sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.. and am always  working to accept people for who they are.. I never try to intentionally hurt anyone.. but sometimes.. I end up hurting people anyway.. because I have to protect myself.  When someone attempts to integrate themselves into my life.. I am skeptical now.. I can't help but feel that way.. it's a defense mechanism.. but I will respond to people.. unless I am so hurt by them that it is painful for me to respond.  I don't want anyone to think badly of me.. but I understand that people draw their own conceptions of who I am.. and they develop who they are... I never want to stifle a person based on my conception.. even though I'm certain it has happened at some point in time.. I know that maybe I appear unapproachable.. sometimes that's because I'm trying to sort things out in my head.. and all I can do.. is just exist..  I've thought long and hard about the way I treat other people.. and I don't mean to be snobbish.. or egotistical... I am me.. I've said before... if I'm your friend.. you don't have to ask me.. nor I you... things are the way they are..

I did it again.. I had so much more typed.. a very baring of my soul.. and accidentally "ate" most of my post.. now.. I'm a bit.. distraught at losing most of mfy post.. so.. I'm going to stop with what I have.. and learn to disable my touchpad when I blog in the future... Everything is just so frustrating..