It's The Only Way I Stay Sane.

I can slowly feel myself adjusting to the way things are... and it's completely okay. Do I feel sad?  ...of course.. but I know that I am the only one I can count on to understand who I am. I'm no better.. or worse.. than anyone else.. just different. I accidentally click on a history link to one of the sites.. reached to main page.. and panicked.. It bothered me that it bothered me so much to be there... if that makes sense.  I just want to put so much behind me.. but I know it'll take awhile. I've so many raw emotions attached to some of the people there... maybe in a way, I've traumatized myself.. but even thinking of interacting on the sites now just sends my brain into an utter state of chaos.. I'm not the type to ignore people...because that bothers me just the same... so I sit.. available for my friends.. and acquaintances. There is a part of me that never wants to socialize again... not on a wide level in any case.. I would be perfectly happy with a very few people that I knew I could trust.. I know I'm not the only one to go through a broken heart.. and some of what my friends tell me.. makes sense.. That doesn't make it any easier for me.. and now for me.. the downs.. aren't worth the ups.. I've been pretty high on life.. chose to believe in things that wouldn't last.. I had the wrong attitude then... If I had known they wouldn't last... or even guessed .. those relationships wouldn't have happened in the first place.. Now.. I carry the pain.. and the failure of having lost something dear to me.. along with me.. People say... live in the moment.. but when you put forth as much of yourself into something as I did.... if it ends.. you wind up losing pieces of yourself.. much like with anyone you truly care about.. take for instance.. if you have a child.. and you get close to that child.. but... on  it's 10th birthday your child is gone.. taken away from you.  Just because you had 10 good years.. it's okay for them to move on... you can go out and make another child.. right?  It doesn't work that way.. when you invest your feelings as deeply as I do.. Every loss.. digs into your soul.. and takes a part of it away... I've lost more in the last few years than I can deal with at the moment... To be honest.. the loss of my previous relationship is still a fresh wound to me.  There are still so many things in life that remind me of the people who have walked out on what I thought we had.  It gets more and more difficult to deal with things in my head... with each passing month.. So.. I put aside the memories.. the events.. the emotion.. I can't deal with those thoughts... They are stored in a place in my mind... but.. even as time passes... I still have triggers that pull out those events in my head... and they hurt  to think about. I have a tendency to push people away... because that's my coping mechanism.. Right now.. it's the only way I stay sane.

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