I'll Never Let Go Of Anything.

I sometimes wonder why I am where I am.... most of the time... I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing.. I just make the best decisions I can... based on the information I have at that present time. There are many thoughts and ideas that go through my head during any given day. I figured for the most part... that people are generally the same... but I'm not so sure about that now.. maybe it's how we cope with the stresses of our lives that make us different. I'm the type of person to hold things in.. I won't bother other people with my issues.. in that way, I am somewhat passive... but if someone makes the effort.. to climb my walls.. and reach the point where I truly hide myself.. I am a very different person.. sort of like.. what someone sees on the outside.. really isn't me.. I try to be open.. and honest with the people who are open and honest with me.. it just seems as though I have a lot of trouble decyphering who that encompasses most of the time. I don't understand why people can change so much.. Part of me knows that maybe I never experience who a person truly is... People date for several months and then decide that a person isn't right for them.. it's not so unnatural to be rejected... I am trying to move on.. but it's always difficult. I've stopped listening to the radio again... there are just too many reminders that stab into my heart when I hear certain songs.. I suppose it was inevitable... I can't really apply logic to my life.. and I want to be able to do that.. When I can't see things.. it bothers me.. I want to try to understand... but that doesn't seem to be the case. The best I can do is to remove myself from the situations that cause me grief. I've seriously thought about just giving up my... "moral consciousness" and just trying to live in the moment.. every time I think about that, I realize that once I do.. I've lost who I am currently.. but I don't like who I am currently... and it seems that very few people do.  It seems that at every turn.. someone wants me to be different.. to behave differently..  I put my deepest thoughts and feelings here.. but even still.. there are a few things I hold back.. because I can't share them with just anyone.  It sort of makes me feel like I'm lying to myself... that I can't put down my deepest secrets... but I suppose I am just not ready to share them. I don't want to hide things.. but I can't expose all of myself to everyone.. I feel vulnerable as it is.. I feel raw from tearing away bits and pieces of myself..  In time.. I am certain I'll heal.. but I will still carry the scars..   no.. actually that is not completely true.. I don't know that I'll heal... I just become involved with things that involve my mind.. so that I don't notice the pain.. I really don't think the pain ever goes away... I still carry with me.. the pain of all my involvements.. and to be perfectly honest.. I've never let anything heal.. is that what I'm supposed to do?.. let it heal?  I have removed myself from the lives of each person who rejected me.. yet.. it didn't help the healing process. I still remember most every detail of my relationships.. and at times.. it gets to be more than I can bear.. I know I need to let go.. and I thought I had.. but perhaps.. I'll never let go of anything.