I Can't Go Back To That

"You're a good site boyfriend"  ...I was told that recently by a friend of mine.. I know what was meant.. I don't stray because I'm loyal.. I won't overly flirt with anyone else.. I don't do things behind someone's back.. I'm public enough to be a partner.. and will flirt back and forth in the threads with the person I'm with and do it with wit and intelligence.  I am very sexual in private.. can be very creative with virtual sex.. and have a distinctive phone voice...  and I am very accessible. I'm not attached in my homelife.. and I'm leaving my spouse.. so.. all in all.. I make almost the perfect cybermate.. I suppose I set myself up making people believe that maybe there's nothing wrong with me... and then when face to face.. they realize that I'm a  regular human being... with just as many flaws as the next person.. so.. the fantasy ends.. and the reality of who I am.. cannot compare with the fantasy I have created. I don't think it's that I'm such a poor partner.. as much as it is... I don't think I live up to the image I create in someone's mind. I'm not what I would call.. handsome.  I'm not overly athletic.. I have a prosthetic right eye.. there are several things that would single me out as not the perfect real mate.... probably more than I can list here.  It is wrong of me to think that there is someone out there that can see into the real me.. and overlook all of the flaws I have.. and focus on just the positive things.. I realize that things are different in real life too.. and I see past the minor flaws I discover.. even a few major ones.. but to me.. the flaws are perfect in a person.. because no one is perfect.. and it just goes to make that person more human.  I've sat and thought a lot about things... well.. mostly lied awake in bed... and thought about things.. but I realize I don't want to be with someone who can't put forth the effort to care about me despite the flaws that exist.  Maybe it was the fact that the online relationships are a bit fantasy.. and that's all some people want.. not to have anything real.. but to live forever in the fantasy world. I would not be leaving my spouse.. if she would only have been open.. and communicated with me in an open fashion.. But after so many years... our marriage is beyond repair.. Beyond the effort I'm willing to give to try to see something there that isn't. It took 12 years for me to give  up on it.. after she and I started drifting apart.. so I don't feel like I just walk away from a commitment.. I actually still haven't walked away.. because I do have an obligation... mainly to my daughters... but I will focus on them .. and make certain they have what they need. I hope I can provide for them once I'm away.. that's what bothers me the most.. It's a big step.. actually moving out.. but I can work on that for a bit longer... I've set my goal.. and I will stick to it. Once I'm free of my marriage.. and my commitment.. I can focus more on me... the real me.. and then I can leave the superficial fantasy world as just a memory. I can't go back to that.