My Walls Are Strong Enough to Handle It.

It's hot.. humid.. not comfortable at all.. but I don't really mind it.. it has matched my mood as of late.... miserable.  I have not made much attempt at all to contact anybody.. and I don't know when I will.. I figure those that care about what I'm going through.. will understand... those that don't.. well.. it doesn't really matter anyway... I probably am not the best friend material at the moment.. I do what I can.. I respond.. it's really all that's in me.. but I'm not going to take any initiative in anything at the moment.. I don't have the strength.. I'm using it all to keep from sinking back into a depressive mood. I've made over 300 posts in this blog.. ranging the whole range of emotion.. but most seem a bit depressing.  A lot of life is depressing.. I know that most everyone is not in much better shape than I am in.. or if they are.. they've learned how to be superficial.. I just never could get the hang of it.. I even tried.. but wound up going much deeper than a superficial level.. it's just not in me to carry on a superficial relationship for any length of time.. or at least what I feel is superficial..  Once I learn there is nothing to a relationship.. except convenience... I pull away.. Anytime I am dealing with someone.. and I suspect they really are just there for the time being... I can't continue it.. My problem is that I find it difficult to believe in anything else anymore.. my walls are at the highest they ever have been.. and where I have a few friends that contact me.. I can only maintain my sanity by allowing myself to believe that I won't ever go... into a deeper relationship than friendship.. ever again.. anytime I think about something more substantial.. I just want to run away from life.. from everyone and everything.  There is never a way to determine if someone is in your life because they want to be.. or because they have nothing better to do... maybe that sounds a bit harsh.. and I'm sorry if it does.. but.. my mode of thinking has revolved around that as of late. I have been a matter of convenience for several people in my past.  I have been what they wanted to me to be.. there.. supportive.. caring..  ...but sooner or later.. all that ends.  People move on.. just as I've said so many times before.. it all seems so temporary sometimes... I don't want it to be.. but.. people push for things they want.. that I'm not.. so.. they walk away... It doesn't really matter anymore.. there are a few people in my life that would hurt a bit for them to walk away.. but.. I can handle it when they do.. my walls are strong enough to handle it.

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