That's The Way Things Are.

Off today... getting ready for my weekend in Vegas.. I know I'll be busy for most of it.. Conference will take up a great deal of time.. with just a few hours each night for leisure activities.. not that I'm really concerned about leisure activities anyway.  I am sometimes thinking that something will happen.. just around the corner.. to change my life. I had a discussion yesterday concerning relationships.. I think that most everyone is in such an unstable place that it's difficult to take on a relationship where you feel that you might be inviting more chaos...but unfortunately there is no one out there.. that has achieved enlightenment.. so there will always be more issues invited into your world.. these are issues that a couple will need to work out.. It would be nice if we were all in a place where we understood what was going on with our lives.. or at least had a clue... I suppose some people are more aware of where they are... at least more than I am.. I don't have an idea where my life is headed.. or what is going on.. It would be so much easier not to worry about things being headed into a state of disarray all the time.. I don't think that's very possible..

One of the things that bothers me.. is something I said in a previous blog.. that there were some things that I couldn't disclose.. is that because I'm afraid of what people will think?.. or is it because there are just a few things that I need to keep for me.. I still have to weigh that out.. but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I've lost some of my candidness because of my concern of how people will take what I say... I believe I can work on that.. If someone reads something here.. and it becomes an issue.. then there is nothing I can do to change that.. this is the way I'm feeling at the time.. I suppose sometimes I am too vague about the things I say.. because they have meaning to me.. but at the same time.. they're elusive to someone who doesn't know me or the situation very well..   I can think of several instances where I have used that tactic to express myself.   I want to be able not to censor myself.. but that doesn't mean what I say now.. will be the same sentiments as what I feel next week.. or next month..

I do care about my friends.. I occasionally will try to reach out.. and just say hi.. but there is a lot of doubt on who I can actually consider a friend.. I am trying not to even think about that.. I am not going to label someone as a "friend".. or not.. I can talk about friends in the general sense.. but I believe most of us will have a varying degree of interaction with any number of people in our lives.. Those that want to be a part of my life are more than welcome.. those that don't.. are more than welcome to walk.. I don't want anyone to feel they have to stay in my life just because of circumstances. I occasionally miss talking to people from my past.. but it's evident that they are doing their own thing now.. and are doing much better without me.. at least that's what I'd like to think. I don't wish any ill will on anyone.. not that I wish them good will either.. It's not like I want to be reminded that I was a negative force on anyone's life.. and how much richer their lives are without me in it.. but that's the way things are.