Hurting Is Part of Life

The official astronomical tables tell us that Mercury will become stationary at the end of this week. But the optical illusion has already begun. The ruler of your sign is moving at a snail's pace. It is dragging its heels. Meanwhile, you are trying to avoid what seems like a date with an undesirable aspect of your own destiny. Or struggling to attain progress in an unsatisfactory area of life. Stop trying so hard, stop worrying so much. You need to allow something to end, so that something new and wonderful can begin.

I just went back and read that.. it was written Saturday.. it was the horoscope for my week ahead... it was during this time that I was occupied on a weekend that I truly thought was going well... little did I know that I the cool breeze and the wonderful feeling was the feeling of falling.. and I didn't realize that the ground was so close.. nor so hard.  It is very difficult to put aside my past.. to actually believe in something.. and someone.. I did this.. one.. last ditch effort.. to save my soul from all the agony I had endured from a previous heartbreak. I think that I just wanted to believe someone existed that knew who they were.. and what they wanted.. Someone that cared to explore possible feelings.  I couldn't have known what awaited me.. I chose to jump in.. head first.. and fully trust again.. my walls were down.. I was completely vulnerable.. it was my fault that I let myself go.. I knew better. Basically what I've been told.. is that reality is different than online.  To me.. I let them be nearly the same.. sure.. sometimes we hold things back online.. but I had shared all that I could.. and the next step.. was.. meeting.. taking things to a real world environment. I did that. little did I know that what I felt.. in reality... and carried over into the real world.. was just an online fantasy for her. She may have not known it.. but it hurts just the same...  I am glad she told me the truth.. that she realizes when things go to the real world... it is different for her. I still don't know how to handle that.. I feel a bit ...mislead due to us broaching the subject once before.. but.. things are as they are.  I cannot change how someone feels for me.. that it wasn't ...real feelings.. but only ...online feelings.. I think that is what hurts the most... that it has to be different for some people. I have tried to blog here about this several times in the last few days.. and haven't been able to even begin to understand what is going through my head.  I have hurt.. anger.. confusion.. hopelessness.. cynicism.. doubt.. and so many other things vying for a space in my mind.  Even now.. I'm not certain that what I'm saying.. is exactly what I'm feeling.. it's just difficult to sort it all out.. I'm hoping that if I can get started.. then maybe some of the ideas in my brain can start to become coherent. I am going to try to continue to use this blog as a sounding board until I can sort something out. 

I cry.. almost hourly... I've been able to hide out in my office and just answer the telephone.. luckily I don't have students this week.. or next.. but.. I will need to focus on just being able to maintain my composure.. I'm not worried about not trusting anyone.. I really don't care that I won't be able to do that.  I don't want to walk down that path again.. I am thinking that will be nothing left of me if I continue on my path of self-destruction. I will be separated in Jan. I know better than to count on anyone but myself... I knew that already... I have friends that say they're there.. but I have difficulty believing in anyone at the moment.. I am trying to just get through each day.. until time to sleep.. get up.. and do it all over again... I am not.. depressed.. I'm not suicidal.. I'm just tired of believing. I will continue to try to forge ahead.. and not be weighted down too heavily.. I will continue my struggle to understand myself.. and those around me.. I will continue to do what I can to survive. It just seems somewhat pointless. I know things will change... I overcame being lied to for over a year... even though she maintained that it was real until near the end... I can overcome being misled for a few months.. I don't think she meant it as a lie .. only that she was unaware of things being only a fantasy until she took them to a real world setting. I get that.. some people cannot bring reality into the online world... it's just a fantasy for them.  I have always tried to stay focused on keeping the online aligned with the real world.  There are times.. when I have struggled with what I felt online.. where I wanted to make it more than it was... and I have hurt people in the process... but I set things straight... before taking it to an offline setting. To me.. it is difficult to ever maintain a friendship with someone who has evolved into something far greater and then led you to believe in the real thing... Meeting someone.. face to face.. does this for me.. I can never go backwards.. I will continue to move forward.. and just try to understand things as they happen. My horoscope basically says that I had to allow something to end... I guess I have.   There are sooooo many things going through my head that I want to say.. and eventually I will get them all out.. but for now.. I am going to digest things awhile longer before putting anything else down... as I really don't want to hurt anyone.. but am certain I probably will. ...Hurting is part of life.