Reality Sucks

I have dreams.. these dreams are not sexual... but they're so...realistic. I wake up at all hours of the night.. Most of the time.. I can just shut my eyes.. relax.. and go back to sleep... but not lately... Right now all I can do is stare into the darkness and think. My thoughts are not always pleasant ones. I need to take back control of my mind and my heart... what little of either there is left. I don't even reach out to my friends.. I don't have the strength.. I respond ...when someone contacts me.. I still have that amount of decency... It's so difficult to maintain my composure when every moment I breathe reminds me of my inadequacies.. I try to keep myself occupied so that I have other things to think about... but even that is difficult in itself.  I am coherent enough to know that time will make the wounds heal.. but I'll always carry the scars.. and right now... I don't have many places left without scars. I don't want to fall into the "poor pitiful me" frame of mind.. and I know how that crap sounds like to those people that consider themselves my friends.. It's easy to say how we will never love again.. that we'll never take that chance.. I thought that 2 years ago.. then 11 months ago.. so strongly I almost lost it.... I feel much more rational now.. it does hurt.. It feels like I made someone a part of my life.. and she died. The only way I could cope initially was to lash out.. to get what I was feeling out. I am able to sit for lengths of time and not cry.. if I can only keep my mind occupied..

I am concerned though... I am a very...sexual person... I cannot remember a time in my life where I went for this long without an erection of some sort.. I didn't say masturbation.. I've been for a month without that.. but as a general rule.. I have an erection many times a day.. I was conerned the other night and tried to watch a porn clip.. but nothing.. I really don't care about that anymore.. I can't even keep a fantasy thought in my head. Maybe this will pass too... My concern isn't about not having sexual thoughts.. nor my lack of erection... my concern is my indifference about it.... I should be worried about it.. right?  Maybe it's an instinctive protection thing. I don't claim to know a whole lot anymore.. as a matter of fact.. I know very little. I can't choose how I feel.. I can just try to cope with things as they come along. I have become more cynical than before about relationships.. and love. I feel sorry for anyone who might think they can find love online.. it's difficult to even find love offline.. much less in the online world.. where so many people have lost who they are in their fantasy picture of themselves. People say they are real.. but they still hide behind fake photographs.. behind phrases that put forth an idea  that they are another person.. maybe even one that they themselves have incorporated to a point of being complacent with this image. I'm sure I have done the same thing to a certain extent... without even realizing it. In the grand scheme of things... we are much happier living in the world we create for ourselves.. whether that world is a reality or not... because for the most part.. Reality Sucks

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

Stay Out Of Things Where I Don't Belong.

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...
Read more