Under my Hat

Sitting in a waiting room again... I'm not fond of waiting.. I hate being rushed also, so I've adapted to being a bit early... and having to wait.  I was rushed yesterday when I blogged... I felt like I wanted to put something down..  but it bothered me to stop it short like that.  I don't even remember now what all I wanted to say... I have all these opinions... and that's just what they are... my opinions. I have certain beliefs that rarely change... I feel that people can accept that.. or go away... I'm a realist. I am done getting caught up in the fantasy. I know I step on toes from time to time.. but I can't help that.  The problem with most relationships is that someone says something they think the other person wants to hear... just to avoid conflict... or to get them to like them more.  The problem then becomes.. does a person adjust their  attitude?  ...or is it necessary to come clean at some point and say it was a lie. If someone is complet...

So.. it's been a few days since I've blogged.. no reason really, other than the fact that I spend my mornings tending my restaurant in Chefville (Facebook).  It's something I can do and occupy my mind.  Even though it feels like I'm accomplishing something, I'm really not doing anything.  I have thought about quitting it several times, but there is something inside me that feels like other people there are counting on my assistance with their games.  I know it's silly, but it's nice to help out.  World of Warcraft new expansion came out 2 days ago.. and I haven't even considered getting it yet.  I suppose I will, since I am still paying 15 dollars a month for it.  I am still lacking in motivation. Maybe I just need to relax and let life happen.. instead of worrying so much about things. I try to be open and honest... but I think at times, I am very calculating.. I am afraid of life and things that might happen....so I try to strategize the best poss...

I'm thinking that there are too many passive people in the world. People tend to hang on to their feelings so that they don't make waves.. and I know someone already that thinks this is about them... it might be somewhat.. but it's about several people.  The fact is that most people are afraid to communicate what is going on.. because they don't want to deal with the outcome. I have had people shoot some pretty harsh realizations on me.. all of a sudden. Yes.. it would be nice to know things that are going to take me completely off guard.. in doses.. but I do understand that sometimes people have to just blurt it all out. ...this.. a lot of time stems from the fact that there is so much kept inside. Everyone has all of these emotions.. or feelings that they are afraid to share.. maybe because they think it will piss someone off... or maybe because they're just hoping that the conflict they feel inside will work itself out.. or go away... this is nonsense... If there...

Mobile blogging... I'm on my way to the city with my students. I always wonder what kind of effect I am going to have on them. I am hoping it is always a positive one, but we never know exactly how we will affect anyone whose life we become a part of.  I know I said this before, but we can only be affected as much as we allow ourselves to be.  I have become numb to the idea of letting anyone too deep. It has become almost a fear. I ran across a list of phobias last night... a huge one. I got to thinking about it, and I suppose a person can develop a fear of almost anything.  I don't really have many fears, anymore.  I am just cautious. There are people who have touched my life and probably don't even know it... just as I am certain I have touched other's lives without even a clue.  There is really nothing we can do about that, but we are much more of an influence to those people we let close.  We can severely damage someone if we aren't careful. I think eve...

Sometimes I just don't feel like getting up.  I didn't sleep very well last night.. I had trouble falling asleep.. then I was up and down all night. I sometimes wonder why I have nights like that.  It wasn't any one thing.. I just have my mind going all sorts of directions sometime and have difficulty  concentrating.. I do that when I am awake too.  I am certain.. with today's doctors.. if I was a younger person, they would try to put me on some sort of ADD medication.. I actually don't believe in medication for personality modification.. except in extreme examples.  I have seen so many of my students come in on that.. and that's part of the reason behind why they are in our program. These medications have changed their behavior so much, they weren't able to fit into the normal public schools. I counted at one time that close to 50 percent of my students fell into this category. I think it might take a little more effort for some people, but for the most par...

No results.. no surprises.. just.. nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. I didn't really expect much. I just stumble through another day... no worse for wear.. for the most part.. more blood drawn.. another shot in the arm.. just routine for now. I try not to let anything get me down anymore... and for the most part.. it seems to be working.. no major ups.. so.. no major downs.. maybe I've found the secret.  It's like skydiving without a parachute.. that has to be the biggest rush ever.. but it also is the most down following the up rush...  maybe life is all like that.. there has to be bad.. to have good.. sad.. to have happy. pain.. to have pleasure.. I don't know.. just a guess..  We are pretty much in control of what we feel though.. no one can make us feel anything.. it's ourselves.. that let us get so attached to something as to give it power in our lives.  No one can make us feel horrible.. unless we have given them the power to do it. Some...

What do we need?  ...really, if you think about it, there's not much we need. But there's always things we want. We tend to interact with others in order to get those things we want.  ...in a sense, we use each other.. I think most people are aware of being used.. and using others.. but it's an unmentioned issue. We use each other as sounding boards.. as companionship.. some use others to feel loved or wanted.. there are so many ways in which we interact with others.. but to some degree it's all about using or being used.  For the most part, I am okay with that.  it's a mutual satisfaction that most people seem to share. The problems seem to start when a person cannot determine to what extent that they want to be used.. or use another. It seems as though most people are afraid of commitments.. or maybe prior commitments take priority.. or maybe it's just fear of commitment altogether.  As we gravitate toward the other people that come into our life, we have to d...

I have a bubble.. it's sort of a zone around me that I keep almost everyone out.. the bubble isn't a place where just anyone is welcome.. Although I have nothing to hide.. I really don't care to throw everything of who I am.. out for just anyone to see anymore.  I don't find it easy to trust anyone now.. and if you want me to trust you.. tough. I have seen a lot of things in the last few years.. and for me to change my attitude toward someone.. just because they want me to.. well.. it doesn't work that way. I may not be the most charismatic person when I get into one of my little rants about how untrustworthy people are.. but I really don't care. I am not becoming someone just to be popular.. I actually don't care if anyone likes me anymore.. There are several people in my life that have come to realize.. I'm not putting forth the effort anymore.. it's just not worth it to me to have friends... especially if it takes an effort.  People can deal with ...

Another weekend passed.. not that it makes much difference.. it's just sorta like I drift through most of them. It's about like any other day... just trying to make it to the next day.  I really don't see that big of a deal about why weekends are so special.. at least not for me.. I am fine having something to do.. working.. or whatever... I sat in my chair most of the weekend.. playing Chefville on facebook. When I wasn't doing that I was watching some online TV.. that's pretty much what my leisure time has come down to.. and to tell the truth.. it's actually good enough for me. I don't need to get out.. and be active.. it's not like I have a huge selection of activities staring me in the face.. I still live in BFE.. with any town being an hour or more away. I was going to get my hair cut this weekend, but I never found the motivation to get that done. It would have involved me actually getting out of my chair and going to town..  I am a bit worried abo...

Life is a journey.. and too many times we set ourselves up for failure... the reason behind that is because we can't be honest with ourselves.. or maybe it's because we really just don't know ourselves very well... part of that journey of life is the road of self-discovery... I don't know myself completely.. but it seems as though I'm quite a bit more aware of who I am.. than many of the other people I encounter. ..it's sort of sad really.  I know that I am thought of as being insensitive.. or brutal with my words on occasion.. but that's sometimes what it takes to keep from lying to ourselves.. you can dance around the truth all you want.. or avoid conflict by choosing to omit words.. but when it comes down to it.. it's a lie.. I find myself lying at times.. to keep from being bluntly honest.. but it's a rare occasion when this actually happens. If you can't be true to yourself.. who can you be true with?  I put down my thoughts.. and deepest fe...

Cause and effect.. that's what life is supposed to be about.. we are affected by the things we cause.... or subject ourselves to.. for the most part.. so why is it then things come out of the blue and then we have to deal with them?... things that we had no control over... things that have no bearing to anything we've done.  I am dealing with a few things in my head at the moment. I have to make decisions that I really don't care to make.. and it has little to do with my family life... it affects me personally.. no one else. I am going to go for a biopsy two weeks from today.. and the thought is a little unnerving.. no matter the results, it is going to be a path I really don't want to think about.. but I have to. I wasn't going to blog about it, because I am still going through it all in my head... but I had to get it down.. sometime I can read over.. and think about.  I have talked to my sister, the doctor, and she gave me some helpful advice... but no matter what...

I have reluctant bulimia... but don't worry.. I plan on kicking the habit as soon as my stomach stops pretending that it is on a rollercoaster ride from hell.  I've lost over 10 pounds in the last 12 hours... I don't see how bulimics can do it.. it really must be some sort of screwed up in the head thing.. even worse than I am.. because I could never develop it as a lifestyle.. The thought that more is coming up is enough to send my mind racing ...trying to think of anything else but the inevitable purging of bad germs from my system. Yes... I am sick.. maybe a virus or something.. I won't go into details here.. but I really don't think I'll be in any eating contests soon... I hate when things cause our systems to be sent into a state of panic.. I don't like being sick.. physically or mentally... it can be argued that I am mentally sick.. and have been for awhile.. I think that mentally.. I'm just a little off kilter.. possibly something I might be able ...

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again.. expecting different results.... but how many times do we actually do that in our life... I can think of several instances I have opted for insanity. I don't think we realize it when we actually do it.. but I believe we all have thoughts in our head that something we don't know about has changed.  If you think about it, this doesn't really hold water... because if you move a saw back and forth long enough.. the tree will reach a point where it no longer has support to stand.. and will fall.. that is a different result than just cutting a tree with a couple of back and forth motions of the saw.. or.. if you tap on a rock over and over.. finally it will crumble... just as we will if we are bombarded with the same issues.. over and over.. there comes a time when a maximum limit is reached.. and we cannot take any more. The problem I see is that most people don't know just wher...

I always seem to have a gazillion ideas running around in my head.. some good... some.. not so good... so.. what causes these many conflicting ideas rummaging around in my brain?  I wish there were some sort of order to them... or reason behind some of the more prevalent ones. I have a bad habit of sharing just any idea that wanders through my head at random... and I call it being honest... in a sense.. it is.  It is what I'm thinking about ... but not always everything I am thinking.  That would keep me on the computer blogging 24/7. I only touch on things inside my head at random... but usually it's what is predominant in my brain at the time I'm blogging... If things get too mind-consuming, then I will sometimes blog haphazardly.  I seem to be unable to sort through a lot of issues in my head... so they end up coming out here... after all, isn't that what a blog is all about? I have a doctor's appointment this week... sometime.. I have an appointment c...

So.. I haven't posted in the last few days... I'm just tired.. not of anyone.. or anything.. but just.. tired.. I have difficulty finding motivation for doing most anything anymore. It's sad when the most motivated thing in my life is my chefville game in facebook... I've gotten 85 mastery stars in just a short time.. which is near the top of my list.. I think to myself that it's just a waste of time.. but then I realize that when I was going to the sites... it was the same waste of my time.. not really working toward any goals of actual consequence. It's all a fantasy world... the sites... my facebook games.. world of warcraft.. but at least with my games.. everyone calls it a game.. I don't think anyone can face the fact that most of their life is a game.. we look to get through each day.. but for what?  ...to get closer to the end?  I honestly don't relish the thought of spending my life just waiting for the end to come.. so.. what are my options?  I ...

At first I thought I might not blog this morning... because there is really nothing going through my head that hasn't been said a number of times. It's somewhat asinine that people need to hear the same thing over and over in order to actually absorb what is being said.. I can understand repetition for things that require memorization word for word.. or if something is very technical.. but my life.. and the things I say.. aren't that complicated.  It may appear that way on the surface.. but I'm not a man that has exotic, complex tastes.. yet I've always been told by people.. that they can't be enough for me.. or that I'll need more.. I'm still trying to figure out how that sack of shit still floats.... I mean.. look at my life.. it's not complicated for the most part... basically all I was looking for was.. support... communication.. I've become somewhat independent.. even now to the point that I don't know if I can accept support now if I wa...

I hate sleepless nights... you know the ones.. where you're up every half hour.. just looking at the clock.. wondering when you are not going to be able to try to sleep anymore... just when there is no longer enough time to get any more rest.  I seem to do that every once in awhile.. I had so much difficulty falling asleep last night.. no reason in particular.. just laying there.. trying not to think about anything, but still thinking about everything.. all the crap in my life.. all the issues I've had to deal with.. and the ones that are probably coming.. I know in the grand scheme of things.. there isn't much to worry about.. we are born.. we live awhile.. we die.  That seems pretty simple, doesn't it... but nothing is ever simple.  There is so much that happens in that span of our life.. and so many other lives we touch. I don't see how things got to where they are now... where I am in my life.. but it's all due to a series of events that I created myself... ...

I know that I come across as heartless sometimes...especially to those that just might be trying to help.. but I can't get it through to them.. I don't want help.. I am okay with where I am. If you are trying to change my attitude.. or where I am in my life.. you will draw my fire...  I let my guard down a few times.. and paid the price for it.. I said some pretty harsh things last night to someone who for all practical purposes was only trying to be supportive.. but the problem is.. I don't want that kind of support.. I only want acceptance of who I am now.. not wanting anyone to try to "fix" me.. or change me.. I really do want to be in the place I am now... I don't want to strive for something I no longer believe in... if someday it happens to find me.. then we shall see what goes on..  I've been told that I treat a few people horribly.. and they keep coming back.. I say to that... I only treat people with malice when I sense them trying to alter my lif...

Sometimes I feel like it's all a lie.. why even search for the truth... I mean.. we like to believe whatever we want to believe.. and most of us are to the point that we aren't going to change our opinions... I have gotten to the point where I just treat everyone like they're probably lying to me.. but maybe they don't know they're lying.. Most people end up lying to themselves anyway... it's when they come to that realization that the shit hits the fan.... then they wind up saying.. it's not your fault.. when deep inside they really believe it is your fault... and truth be told.. it's everyone's fault.. all people involved in anything play a role in the outcome of bad events.  We like to think we're the victim.. but in reality.. none of us are the victim.. we just set ourselves up for the crash and burn situations.. we close our minds to the reality of the situation.. and choose to believe what we want... because it is our fantasy.. it's som...

A gloomy, rainy weekend.. I have spent much of it on facebook.. just wasting time with games.. sometimes I wonder what is the point?  But... that can be said of about anything.. I think that sometimes we all are just trying to make it through to the next day.. then the next.. The pressures of my job are starting to get to me... as well as the issues I deal with in my home.. I really don't want to share a lot of what's going on in my head... not that I have anything to hide.. but I really can't make a lot of sense of life. We all tend to gravitate toward things we know are going to cause us pain.. and suffering.. just for a few moments of ...happiness?  I believe people need to think long and hard on what happiness truly is. What is being happy for a bit.. worth... I see people do things daily that appear so stupid... but I am certain that people outside looking in can see things just as objectively... making things I've done look equally as foolish.  I have been warned...